First, a little background: as I am the reporter of this momentous event, it is only fair to reveal that my background was thoroughly investigated by the RNC--just to make sure I would be up to no mischief. They asked me questions about my educational background an work history. Briefly, because my C.V. is far shorter than my tail, I explained to Reince and associates that for many many years I worked with sewerage--which, is, of course a malodorous job. I explained that I came by this trade because a large number of my relatives have, should I say, made their living off New York City sewerage--no, not Trump Tower, but those underground tunnel thingies. I further explained to the interlocutors that I was now retired but I have kept my keen interest in sewerage, as manifested by my passion for politics (and politicos too, yum!) Having mollified these folks with a solemn pledge to report only what I actually heard during the debate, so as not to interject an reportorial bias, I was allowed entrance.
So, I was escorted into a section of the big auditorium, the name of which escapes me, where I could observe and report what I saw and heard. In keeping with my solemn pledge to avoid any taint of bias, the responses of the candidates will be reported in alphabetical order.
There's a funny thing--an orange squiggle always appears some where in my reports--but I digress.
Alphabetically sequencing here, the first candidate whose remarks I report is John Ellis Bush, who shall be referred in the body of this report as Bush 3.0. This is to distinguish him from Bush 2.0, who I believe once occupied the White, to which his younger brother now aspires.
BUSH 3.0
Bush 3.0 responds to: "How Big?"
Bush 3.0 modifies previous statement: "No, this big"
BTW: in keeping with my pledge, I asked none of the questions. Other journalists did, hereinafter (love that phrase) referred to as "reporter".
Reporter: "Is it true that you will cut taxes for the rich?"
Bush 3.0: "This much"
Repoorter: "That doesn't seem like very much. You have a reputation for being business friendly".
Bush 3.0: "Got me there. I really meant 'This much' (gesturing--upper right)"
Reporter: "Is it true that your most trusted adviser on foreign affairs will be your brother, Bush 2.0"?
Bush 3.0: "First of all, my big brother, georgie, has has never been involved in foreign affairs; they have all been domestic, with fine, upstanding American women. Secondly, it is true that my bro, Bush 2.0 as some of you refer to him, will most definitely be my prime foreign affairs advisor."
Reporter: "Now Governor Bush, do have any other experience in foreign affairs"?
Bush 3.0: "Yes, of course I do. When I was younger, I was very experienced at playing 'Risk', you know, the board game."
Bush 2.0's reaction to being told that he has been mispronouncing "nucular" for decades
As enthralled as I was by these sage pronouncements, it is necessary to give press time to another Repub. challenger.
The female counterpart, this time around, to Hillary on the Blue Team, is of course Carly Fiorina.
Carly Florina
Tough-talking Carly Fiorina
Reporter: "Mizzz Fiorina, I have wondered about your first name for quite some time. Can you tell us the story behind it"?
Carly: "Well, it's a little long, but I need all the camera time I can get. When I was born, I came out with dreadlocks. So my Daddy wanted to call me 'Dread' but this name my mother would not tolerate, so after combing my hair, it was curly--so mom told the registrar of births that my name was 'Curly'. However, the registrar couldn't write very well, so it came out as 'Carly' ".
Reporter: "I understand that in a previous press conference you stated you had unique business experience, unmatched by your presidential rivals."
Carly: "Yes, that's true. Before I cashed in on my golden parachute, er, retirement bonus, I was the head of the world's largest tech company".
Reporter: "But what about Apple--their book value is way more than HP's"?
Carly: "Apple, Snapple! Apple is not a computer company, they make watches. We shouldn't even be talking about them".
Sensing that this interview had run its course, I then went off to hear "Bobby" Jindal.
Bobby Jindal
Bobby Jindal explaining how he seasons Peshmerga
Reporter: "Governor, you are the chief executive of a fairly small state; can you explain to us, what your background in foreign affairs is"?
Bobby: "First of all, let me reassure you, as well as my fellow citizens of Loooziana, that our state is not endanger of becoming even smaller. This talk about global warming is rubbish!
Secondly, I, like the eminent ex-governor of Florida, gained great expertise in foreign affairs by playing 'Risk', however being more computer literate, I naturally gravitated to the computer version of the game."
Reporter: "No, seriously, Bobby what do you think about the the Peshmerga"?
Bobby: "Oh, this a delightful curry-based dish from south India. I personally prefer mine with a bit of ginger."
Reporter: "No, I was referring to the Kurds".
Bobby: "Thank you for the clarification. I actually like them very well in my yogurt".
At this point, it was time to move on. So I went to see Rick Perry's interview.
Rick Perry
Rick Perry preparing to testify at his criminal abuse of power trial
Reporter: "Isn't it true that you have put stilts underneath your house because of the
extraordinary amounts of rain your state has experienced due to climate change"?
Rick "Let me be very clear about this. There is no such thing as climate change. And by the way, the world is only 4500 years old--says in the Good Book."
Reporter: "You mean those books that the Texas Board of Education hasn't banned because of their failure to include creationism in the text"?
Rick: "Untrue. We only want a balanced telling of the story of creation as was told in the Good Book."
Reporter: :Sir, isn't it true that you are being indicted for criminal misuse of power while serving as Texas Governor"?
Rick (after conferring with several of his many lawyers): "I respectfully decline to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me".
Reporter: "That question bears no legal risk to you".
Rick (after once again conferring with more of his attorneys): "I'm sorry, I must decline to answer under the basis of…now, which Amendment was it"?
Rick Perry wondering whether the handcuffs will fit
Well, with so many other candidates yet to report on, and this diary being already taxing for the average Fox Spews viewer (to wom we tailor our reportage), I will simply defer coverage of the many other Republican Presidential candidates.
But, in the interest of…well, of something, please answer the following poll--by the way Rick, you can answer this poll too!