Convinced his state only needs some splashy seductive PR, Arizona Governor Doug Ducey has set aside a cool quarter million bucks to come up with a new brand for the Grand Canyon State.
Gov. Doug Ducey has said Arizona's image problems can be fixed, in part, with better PR and a world-class pitchman (himself). Now, he has embarked on a campaign to re-brand Arizona’s image to the world.*
*Not from
The Onion
After all, we don't need a governor who isn't owned by the chamber of commerce, ALEC, Koch Brothers and private prison industry, among other corporate dunderheads. Nor do we need a real legislature in place of the mean-spirited, bible-thumping bigots at the Capitol, who seem to take glee in denying people shit, after passing corporate tax cuts, and who've been wrong about nearly everything.
Arizona certainly doesn't need better schools, now that it's cut K-12 and higher ed more than any other state in the last eight years, earning us 47th place in just about every important indicator. Nor does the state need a better economy, because it's doing fantastic creating jobs for call centers, fast-food joints and the service industry, while shitting all over workers' rights at every opportunity. And don't even think about helping the hundreds of thousands who've been booted from Medicaid and welfare. Yeah, need a slogan.
And law officers? Of course we don't need better county sheriffs, because good old Joe Arpaio is doing an excellent job arresting teenagers who're flipping burgers and mowing lawns, while ignoring real crime. And all the while he's running up a $75 million tab for taxpayers because, oh, his men killed inmates or the sheriff fucked with the wrong people, like judges and shit. And let's not wipe SB 1070 completely off the books, let's maintain a degree of bigoted dignity, say legislators who pal around with Cliven Bundy and think the world is 6,000 years old.
Nor do we don't need to worry about taking care of our majestic but fragile environment, especially Native American sacred lands, because a big mining company will take care of that for us, with a decade of help from Arizona's US senate offices. Need a slogan.
Everything is keen, the news is hunky-dory, nothin' to be done. Except we need a motto, a slick slogan, a memorable meme that'll convince businesses and tourists that Arizonans aren't a bunch of ass-kissing Arpaio goobers whose compassion and brains are rivaled only by garden tools. Because the corporatists in the executive office, the barely upright-walkin' legislators making laws because god and shit, and the criminal sheriff in Maricopa County don't matter to companies and travelers.
What matters is a cool blurb on the license plate.
Oh, you might think the governor is a corporate sell-out, you might think the legislature is run by moon-howlin' right-wing religious boobs who're just a few clowns short of a circus, you might think the schools are getting hammered and the "right to work" economy exploits, you might think Arpaio is proof shit can grow legs and walk, you might think thousands of people shouldn't be denied food or healthcare, you might think extractive industries and sprawl are chewing up the land and wasting valuable water ...
And you might think that's a turd you stepped on, but a new slogan will convince you it's a lavender posey.
So let's start the $250,000 Rebrand Arizona Challenge! We don't need to fix the state, just it's slogan! The Arizona Republic got the ball rolling today at the airport, where travelers offered:
Snake, rattle and roll
Welcome to Mexico
Arizona...heat today, heat tomorrow
Arizona: Going backwards into the future since 1912
What federal government?
Embracing Diversity
The Dark Money State
Home of Melanoma!
But it’s a dry hate [alternate: But it's a dry hump]
The Wingnut State
The under-educated state
Lower Taxes, Lower Test Scores
We used to say "There's always Mississippi," but we can't say that anymore. Okay, how 'bout?
Keating and the 5's ATM
We're No. 47!
Eggs do fry on a sidewalk
Litterasy Ain't Everything
Even fake plants wilt
Papers Please!
This POS slogan cost $250,000 ... while we're doing the same bullshit
As they embark upon their focus group hocus-pocus, to invent a name tag that'll obscure the shit these ALEC toe-suckers are shoveling, they'll hear this from more than
one person:
One person wrote the marketing campaign was a waste of time and money until the state "is no longer run by right wingers and our school system improves."
Where have you gone, Jan Brewer? At the same time he's overseen a blistering assault on education, Gov. Ducey is trying to undo the best
good things Gov. Brewer ever did, like accept the Medicaid expansion. Ducey's new
"modernization" plan is bullshit-speak for "screw the poor." Every move the former ice cream emperor makes benefits the wealthy, corporations and other vampires in his Randian universe, while pissing all over the people already struggling the most. And he'll be more bleeping crazy than Brewer on women's health, into Personhoodville. So much slogan material to work with ...
The best slogan would the realization of Wallace Stegner's hope for the region: "A society to match the scenery."