My earliest exposure to information about what sex was supposed to be probably came from two sources, both of which were lacking in their different ways.
For my seventh grade class, we all brought home permission slips to take part in a sex education class. The extent of my mother's "the birds and the bees" discussion was asking me if I wanted to watch the video, and we were done with this particular topic for the rest of my childhood. If one's parents consented, children were exposed to a film that devoted half its time to the proper way of washing one's face to avoid acne, and the other portion consisted of the most rudimentary explanation of how the pieces fit together for sexual intercourse. And that sort of half-assed approach to educating kids about their bodies held true all the way through my teen years. I think my high school biology textbook probably had a better explanation for how mosses and ferns reproduce than the fundamentals of sexual activity in our own species.
So, as is the case for a lot of young people even today, it was friends and different forms of media, whether it be movies, music, TV shows or porn, filled in some of the gaps. In a society where far too often sex, desire and attraction are treated as behaviors to be ashamed of, when one is young and curious these are some of the mediums where we deem it okay to express fantasies, are tantalizing as forbidden "adult" material, and seem to offer information and guidance as to what things are supposed to look and feel like. The first "adult" films with graphic sex scenes I can remember seeing was Emmanuelle and Lady Chatterley late at night on Cinemax (a.k.a. Skinemax) as a teenager. Even though I was young and impressionable, and as much as I may have wanted to believe it, I don't think my takeaway from those movies was sexually frustrated women have sex with stable boys and tour southeast Asia in search of orgasms. The problem though is that watching porn for sex education is like thinking one is ready to fly an F-14 Tomcat because they saw Maverick and Goose take down MiGs in the "Danger Zone." This is not to say being titillated by sex in porn or other forms of media is bad. But it's a fantasy, and like any other fantasy it can be unrealistic, and might not be the most optimum form for gaining a foothold on what is fulfilling or healthy. That sort of info should probably come from parents and teachers, but for various reasons doesn't for many, many children. And maybe because of these and other factors, the first time having sex for most people is a lot of trial, error and awkwardness.
I thought it would be interesting to discuss how people first learned about sex. I know for some it's probably a memory that brings about some giggles, but for others it might be something that's painful and tragic. So, if you want to talk about your own personal experience, feel free to share what you're comfortable with and we'll see where it goes.
Follow beneath the fold for more.
Here's a very startling statistic about sex education in the United States. According to the National Conference of State Legislatures, while slightly more than half of the states provide at least some instruction about HIV/AIDS prevention, less than half actually require sex education in public schools. Only 13 states discuss sex from the perspective of different sexual orientations beyond heterosexuality, and of those states 4 require "only negative information on sexual orientation."
And the hits just keep on coming once one realizes that less than forty percent of states require their curriculums be "medically, factually or technically accurate." Because why try to prevent prevent teen pregnancy, reduce rates of venereal disease infection, or foster discussions about consent and responsibility using science and logic, when you can use millions of dollars in taxpayer funds to pay for some dipshit's abstinence-only program that doesn't work and dumb parents would rather "protect" their kids from the horrors of sexually explicit material and keep them ignorant.
All states are somehow involved in sex education for public schoolchildren.
As of Jan. 1, 2015:
- 22 states and the District of Columbia require public schools teach sex education (20 of which mandate sex education and HIV education).
- 33 states and the District of Columbia require students receive instruction about HIV/AIDS.
- 19 states require that if provided, sex education must be medically, factually or technically accurate. State definitions of “medically accurate" vary, from requiring that the department of health review curriculum for accuracy, to mandating that curriculum be based on information from “published authorities upon which medical professionals rely.”
Many states define parents’ rights concerning sexual education:
- 37 states and the District of Columbia require school districts to allow parental involvement in sexual education programs.
- Three states require parental consent before a child can receive instruction.
- 35 states and the District of Columbia allow parents to opt-out on behalf of their children.
And since abstinence-only programs are being counted as sexual education among those 33 states that do provide something, the situation is even worse than it seems. Abstinence-only has been an
abject failure in
every place it has been tried. And in a case of telling people not to do something that feels good might lead them to want to try it, abstinence-only isn't even successful among the communities that would in theory be the most receptive to it. A significant number of teenagers who pledge to abstain from sex
end up doing the deed, have more partners in a shorter time period, and are less likely to use contraception. Even among evangelicals,
80 percent of the group reported having sex at least once before marriage.
Beyond just the stupidity of wasting time and resources teaching something that doesn't achieve any of its intended goals, there's the added effect that many of these programs present sex as something that's "bad," and part of a horrible lifestyle that risks turning to drugs, tears families apart, and leads to a world where dogs and cats live together. Earlier this year, Professor Alice Dreger, a clinical professor in the Medical Humanities and Bioethics Program at Chicago's Northwestern University, sat in on her son's abstinence-only sex education course. Dreger, who has written about the deficiencies in sex education before, live-tweeted her son's course, and the resulting tweets were both hilarious and frustrating.
And that's only one side of how things can get screwed up with this issue. For example, Planned Parenthood
assists in many communities sex-ed programs and many times fills in the gaps local governments leave. With the recent controversy surrounding Planned Parenthood and the threats to cut their funding,
guess what happens to sex education in some places if those threats are ever fulfilled? The already shitty stats above get dinged up some more. Even in places that try to give a thorough and complete description of the facts and dangers to children, the
controversy of it all and the whining of outraged parents can dissuade any forward movement. And God forbid the government should counsel those teens who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transsexual about what to expect, the howls just grow louder.
So contrast this reaction, and the level of discourse on the subject, to how it occurs in some other places.
From Saskia De Melker at the
PBS Newshour:
The Dutch approach to sex ed has garnered international attention, largely because the Netherlands boasts some of the best outcomes when it comes to teen sexual health. On average, teens in the Netherlands do not have sex at an earlier age than those in other European countries or in the United States. Researchers found that among 12 to 25 year olds in the Netherlands, most say they had “wanted and fun” first sexual experiences. By comparison, 66 percent of sexually active American teens surveyed said they wished that they had waited longer to have sex for the first time. When they do have sex, a Rutgers WPF study found that nine out of ten Dutch adolescents used contraceptives the first time, and World Health Organization data shows that Dutch teens are among the top users of the birth control pill. According to the World Bank, the teen pregnancy rate in the Netherlands is one of the lowest in the world, five times lower than the U.S., with rates of HIV infection and sexually transmitted diseases are also low.
There are multiple factors that likely contribute to these numbers. Easy access to contraception is one. Condoms, for example, are available in vending machines, and the birth control pill is free for anyone under age 21. But there’s also a growing body of research that specifically credits comprehensive sexuality education. A recent study from Georgetown University shows that starting sex ed in primary school helps avoid unintended pregnancies, maternal deaths, unsafe abortions and STDs.
The stakes in this issue also extend beyond just the possibility of pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease. As can be stated in some other areas, as a society, we are setting up kids for failure.
10 percent of women can't achieve an orgasm. Only a third of women can achieve an orgasm through intercourse alone. If we don't tell young women the science of themselves, if all they're taught is to be ashamed of their bodies and any pleasure they get from it, or the only info they're left with is the musings of their friends and a porn video where someone has their legs bent up to their head in a yoga position, then when they actually have sex and things don't feel the way they think they're supposed to feel and don't match an incomplete fantasy, they'll be left thinking something is wrong with them.
The blog How to Make Me Come, which also recently started a podcast, collects anonymous essays from women where they talk honestly about their experiences and frustrations in having an orgasm. The aspects that come through in reading the accounts is that there's no universal technique that works for everyone, and all of the experiences have a degree of trying to muddle their way through sex to find something that works.
From Dayna Evans at New York magazine:
The creator of the blog remains anonymous, just like her writers and contributors, because she doesn't want them linked to any kind of community. Anonymity, she says, makes it "easier to see that a woman is a woman is a woman."
I think this is worthy of discussion, not only because the female orgasm can sometimes be challenging to achieve and/or talk about, but also because I suspect that when we talk about the female orgasm, something deeper is at play. For one, there's the societal assessment of female sexuality, the consequences of which bleed into the areas of our lives outside the bedroom.
When I first came up with this idea, I was thinking a lot about how the way we're having sex has a sort of parallel to the social and political implications of being a woman. If you can't voice what you want in a moment when you are excited, desired, and connecting with someone, then it's no wonder that you can't always voice what you want out in the world. But as I’ve gotten deeper into this project, I’ve started to contemplate the reverse. You might feel like you are confident and assertive in your daily life, and then it's in those private sexual moments that you can feel most afraid and stuck. And it might make you feel like an impostor of sorts. “Maybe I’m not as direct and self-assured as I thought.” “Maybe I don’t actually know how to talk about how I feel.” "Maybe I'm not really that brave if I'm only brave when it's easy or convenient for me."
What struck me about the blockquoted text above is how in some ways men are in a similar position as well, just to a different degree and in a different way. A lot of men worry about
how they measure up, or if we're doing things right when it comes to oral sex, and in some ways we are just as in the dark about what's supposed to be "normal" when it comes to sex in the world. I never had a conservation with my mother about the proper way to manscape my pubic hair, and God I hope I never do. But it should be one of those things you can figure out and laugh about with your partner in a relationship that's open and honest and loving. And not surprisingly, research indicates that if someone can find that kind of love
they're happier.
Overall, this is an issue where the blind are needlessly leading the blind to ignorance, and our inability to be honest and open is indicative of how we can't be honest with each other in other aspects of life.