Late Night Snark: Tis the Season. To Be Off Your Rocker.
“If you went shopping on black Friday, I assume you are watching this on a brand new 60-inch flat screen from the comfort of your brand new full-body cast.”
---James Corden
”Carly Fiorina refers to the Planned Parenthood shooter in Colorado as ‘a protester.’ That’s almost as crazy as calling Carly Fiorina a viable presidential candidate.”
---Larry Wilmore
Clip of Mike Huckabee explaining why Syrian refugees should be denied entry into the U.S.: If you bought a five-pound bag of peanuts, and you knew there were about ten peanuts that were deadly poisonous, would you feed them to your kids? The answer is no.
John Oliver: Peanuts themselves have killed far more people in the last decade than terrorist refugees. I'll go a step further: men named Mike have killed more people than terrorist refugees, and I don’t see us rounding all of them up.
---Last Week Tonight
“In a recent interview, Ben Carson said that Thomas Jefferson wrote the U.S. Constitution, when he actually wrote the Declaration of Independence. Or as Carson's campaign staff put it: close enough!”
---Jimmy Fallon
“Experts in Israel are trying to re-create a wine used in the time of Jesus. Apparently all they need is some water and Jesus.”
---Conan O'Brien
And one year ago:
"Guess who's running for president? Jeb Bush. I feel like Bush presidencies are like Godfather films. You should stop at two."
---David Letterman
After sinking to 3% in the latest CNN poll, I think Dave may get his wish. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 4, 2015
Note: If you have a gun, leave a gun. If you need a gun, please go away.
By the Numbers:
Weeks 'til Star Wars Episode VII: 2!!!
Days 'til Winterfest in Henderson, Nevada: 6
Per capita spending last year on energy in the U.S. and Maine, respectively, according to the Bureau of Economic Analysis: $1.2k, $2.2k
Percent chance that the water quality in Rio's Guanabara Bay is going to be disgustingly horrible for athletes at the Summer Olympics next year: 100%
Percent of 18-29ers who say they prefer working for a for-profit business, a non-profit, or the government, respectively, according to a Harvard study: 50%, 22%, 17%
Population of Montenegro, which joined NATO this week: 600,000
Amount that a company called Tommie Copper was fined by the FTC for claiming their copper-infused clothing would relieve the pain of everything from arthritis to multiple sclerosis: $1.3 million
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Puppy Pic of the Day:
Shepherds and tigers and playtime…oh my!
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CHEERS to workin' folks workin'. Gotta hand it to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, they're a punctual bunch, releasing their monthly jobs numbers at 8:30am on the button, without fail, in rain or sleet or snow. (They really should replace that leaky roof.) Today's jobs report is…GOOD!!! President Obama single-handedly created 211,000 jobs in November, the unemployment rate stayed at 5 percent, and the numbers for September and October we revised upward. Here's the Calculated Risk chart, with the usual reminder on the far left of the mess Jeb Bush’s brother left Obama to clean up…..
The growth in the construction and health care sectors were nice, but none could hold a candle to the one that currently enjoys 100% employment: mall Santas.
CHEERS to Menorahpalooza. Following tradition, Sunday I shall become what my neighbors fear most: a lapsed Episcopalian brandishing a dreidel and a platter of my homemade latkes. If past portends present, I'll take out several windows, some lampposts and a hedge with the former, and make the old lady across the street use her supplemental dental insurance with the latter. We trust things will be a little more peaceful where you are. Oh, and this…
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
Happy Channuka, Channukah, Chanuka, Chanukah, Chanuko, Hannuka, Hannukah, Hanuka, Hanukah, Hanukkah, Kanukkah, Khannuka, Khannukah, Khanuka, Khanukah, Khanukkah, and Xanuka!!! But don’t say all that too fast or your uvula might end up in the ER.
P.S. Okay, okay. You can open one Hanukkah present early. I hope you like it---it's a coupon good for one free gift of your choice if one of your Hanukkah gifts turns out to be socks or a pencil. In the immortal words of Scott Walker: “Molotov!”
CHEERS to entering the civilized world. Well, Hallefrickinlujah! On Sunday's date in 1865---79 years after we officially declared ourselves a nation where "all men are created equal" and eight months after Lincoln was assassinated---the 13th Amendment to the Constitution was officially ratified, abolishing slavery and pissing off the south. You can view the document here. 150 years later, blacks are least likely to be hired, most likely to be targeted and killed by police, least likely to be in the minority among the prison population, most likely to be targeted for voter disenfranchisement by Republicans, and least likely to be on the receiving end of a presidential pardon. But, on the other hand, blacks can now be demeaned, ignored, abused and oppressed as a free people!
JEERS to the school of hard Glocks. I try to learn a new lesson every day, and the lesson I learned yesterday is that a gang of cops can surround a black guy holding a knife (but threatening no one) and execute him in a hail of hot lead, and the whole thing can be caught on video, and the cops will stand around high-fiving each other for being such noble arbiters of justice. The lesson I'm learning today: I have no reason to believe that I'll ever have reason to unlearn what I learned yesterday.
JEERS to things America neither requires nor desires. Dick Cheney's lengthy list of war crimes couldn’t get him sent to The Hague, it couldn't get him sent into exile in disgrace, and it couldn’t get him bumped off the Sunday morning shows. And now we also know that the sonuvabitch's war crimes couldn’t even prevent him from getting the Roman God treatment: a bust in the hallowed halls of Congress. I got nothing to say, I'm so gobsmacked, so I'll let someone else say it for me:
And filled with sweets and flowers, no doubt.
CHEERS to new discoveries. On this date in 1996---ah, those golden Clinton years---during its Pathfinder mission NASA sent a six-wheeled rover called Sojourner to roam the Martian surface and find rocks. Moments after landing, the space agency got a call from Newt Gingrich asking them to please come get it off his head.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Remember the days when the TV had to "warm up" for, like, 60 seconds or more before it would even think of giving you a picture? Good times. But bad weekend for TV, since not much is on. The highlight is tomorrow night's annual showing of It's A Wonderful Life on NBC, which will be interrupted several times for the program called It’s A Wonderful Commercial Break. New DVD releases are mostly slim pickings but the list is here if you want to check it out. The hockey schedule is here and the NFL schedule is here. (Spoiler alert: New Orleans crushes the Panthers 392-0 and the Patriots crush the Eagles 897-0 because FUCKING KARMA, THAT’S WHY!!! Ahem…) Sunday at 9 on CBS there's a tribute to Frank Sinatra. And you can turn in at a decent hour Sunday night because John Oliver's second season of Last Week Tonight ended a couple weeks ago, darn it. And here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: No idea. Chuck Todd is still getting his jowls massaged and can’t update his web site right now.
Face the Nation: Sen. Bernie Sanders pulls an LBJ and shows off his hernia-surgery scar; Donald Trump says whatever; Chris Christie; Michael Morrell, former assistant deputy CIA director, speaks from behind a potted ficus plant.
This Week: Jeb Bush, the genius who claims he "can fix it," on how he feels after spending $30 million fixing his broken campaign only to see his poll numbers drop to 3 percent (spoiler alert: "Next question!"); Hillary Clinton blows him out of the water with wit, intelligence, common sense and grit.
CNN's State of the Union: Donald Trump; Gov. John Kasich; NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Dr. Ben Carson tries to rejuvenate his on-life-support (ha ha) campaign by promising chickens in every pot and grain in every Great Pyramid. Rep. Michael McCaul (R-TX) of the House Homeland Security Committee limits his comments to, "The Muslims are coming! The Muslims are coming!"
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 4, 2005
JEERS to the Ginsu Airlines. Looks like the folks in charge of security at our nation's airports will now allow passengers to carry a variety of sharp objects on board with them. The list of approved items includes "garden spades." Because there's nothing as soothing as planting a row of posies in your lap at 30-thousand feet.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a guy who graduated Summa Cum Out There. Sunday is comedian Steven Wright's 60th birthday. His bio states: "I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end." And we hope he keeps still doing it for a long time to come...
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
I was Caesarian born. Can't tell, except every time I leave a room I go out through the window.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I went to a cafe that advertised breakfast anytime, so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.
Go to his newly-revamped web site (featuring Maine's Cape Neddick lighthouse) for all things Steven and/or leave a message on his Facebook page. Be polite---you know how hyper he gets.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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