Given the number of Democratic Members of Congress who are expected to skip Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu’s planned tirade in Congress against diplomacy on March 3rd if it goes forward, it has been reported that the House GOP leadership plans to fill the empty seats with Republican staffers to ensure standing ovations for Netanyahu’s attacks on President Obama.
This raises an interesting question. How will these Republican staffers be vetted? Might it not be embarrassing to the House GOP if it turned out that one of the Republican staffers selected to attend the speech and participate in the standing ovations had trashed the President’s daughters on Facebook, compared black people to zoo animals, or participated in violent protests to stop votes from being counted? Or given a speech to a white supremacist group? (Oh, I'm sorry, I got confused. It’s members of the House GOP leadership who do that. Not the staffers.)
Thus, in order to help the House GOP leadership prepare its vetting process for moderate Republican staffers to attend the speech, I have drafted the following form.
Netanyahu Speech: Moderate Republican Staffer Application Form
Welcome to the House GOP Netanyahu Speech Moderate Republican Staffer Vetting Process. To see if you qualify to attend the speech and participate in standing ovations for Netanyahu’s attacks on President Obama in place of absent Democrats, please choose an answer to the following questions:
As a Republican staffer, I think the word or phrase that best describes me is:
A) Moderate
B) Very moderate
C) Crazy moderate
D) Other
I became a Republican staffer because I believe in:
A) Truth
B) Justice
C) The American Way
D) Giving Benjamin Netanyahu a veto over U.S. foreign policy
Who is our Commander in Chief?
A) Barack Obama
B) Benjamin Netanyahu
The Iraq war:
A) “…will only fan the flames of the Middle East” – Barack Obama, 2002
B) “I guarantee you that it will have enormous positive reverberations on the region.” - Benjamin Netanyahu, 2002
What is the best way to prevent a nuclear-armed Iran?
A) A diplomatic agreement
B) Another war
Thank you for completing the Netanyahu Speech Moderate Republican Staffer Participation Application Form. We will process your application in the next one to two business days. Remember that the wearing of hoods, white or otherwise, is not permitted on the House floor.
[With apologies to Andy Borowitz and the National Iranian American Council.]