Well,
It is with much trepidation that I start to compose this post.
Some who read this will be upset and angry that I kept secrets.
Some who read this will be upset and angry that I don't follow bible teachings.
Some who read this will be upset and question why I didn't trust them enough to share my truth.
Some who read this will say: "duh!"
Oddly in this society, it is a mandatory part of life for a gay man to "come out"....to declare his sexuality publicly..
So here goes... I'm gay.
For those who are angry that I kept secrets, yet want to be my friend, my deepest apologies.
Growing up gay is a difficult path. One that is full of peril. One where your job could be taken away at the blink of an eye.
I was once told that I was not being promoted because the hiring manager thought I was gay.
Perhaps I could have trusted you more than those who threatened to not hire me or fire me because I was gay.
I should have trusted you more... but I couldn't at the time. And I regret that.
For those who are angry that I violated your bible teachings, my deepest condolences.
The bible is full of lessons to be learned and rules to be followed. Don't cut your hair, or eat pork, or get tattoos. All of these are equivalent to being gay, but I have never heard a preacher in a pulpit denounce the "tattoo lifestyle" or the "pork lifestyle". That hate is reserved for people who violate a single line in their bible and the politicians that want to ensure I'm a second-class citizen. Take your hate and move away... move away from my life that is moving in positive directions. I just don't have time for the hate anymore.
For those who are sad that I didn't trust you enough to share my full truth... you have my deepest regrets.
I tried many times to share my truth... a truth that no one else has to publicly declare. A truth that is mine to be shared with those I choose.
Some of you chose to share your truth with me, yet I could not do the same for you. I mourn the time that I didn't share openly and honestly because of my issues.
Perhaps I should have trusted you more than those who look down their nose at someone who is "lesser".
I just couldn't bear the thought of losing friends over something of which I have no control.
And I should have known that you would accept me and my life for what it is... but, right or wrong, my fear of rejection got the better of me.
I should have trusted you more.. but I couldn't... and for that I will always mourn the years lost and the laughter missed... they can never be recovered. I beg your forgiveness.
For those who don't want to be my friend anymore...
Your loss. Have a nice life... later!
For those that have loved me from the git-go... you have no idea how touched and humble I feel. I love you back... and always will...
Tonight, I realize that I'm the one pushing people away, defining boundaries, deciding for others what is acceptable or tolerated. That ends now.
Factually, I'm a human being, male, german/arab - american, light brown-eyed, what used to be brown hair, and gay.
You might choose to define me in any or all of those ways. I don't.
None of those traits were my choice. It is just what it is. It's me. And if you don't love my fully open and happy self, then look inward and ask why.
And just to be clear, this is not about you. It is about me.
It is about finally and fully accepting myself. It is about self-fulfillment. And it is about living my life in my truth. Living my life fully and in the full light of day.
It's not about you. It is about me deciding to stop spending energy changing pronouns... hiding... I just can't do that anymore.
I just can't continue to hide in the shadows... not anymore... not when kids are committing suicide because they are afraid of the judgement of society... my time has come to be open...
Hiding all these years takes it's toll. I'm done paying tolls. It stops today.
This is me. Period. It is part of me but it does not define me.
If you want me to be fully happy, regardless of your personal or religious beliefs, then thanks. I accept and appreciate your support. And I love you.
If you don't like this, then don't like this. De-friend me. Block me. What ever. Peace out. Buh-bye.
As of today, I'm officially out of the closet and seeking my best, most open self.
And I couldn't be happier right now... and I welcome you to join me on my journey.
*UPDATE*
I can't believe this landed on the Rec list. I wrote this very late last night and didn't really think about it except that the time has come. I appreciate and love you all. Your support is amazing. Thanks to all of my Orange family. xoxo... Skip...