From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
An Open Letter to Rick Scarborough
June 24, 2015
Dear Mr. Scarborough,
How are you? I am fine. Still waiting for summer to show up in Maine, but you know what we say up here: we have two seasons, winter and July 4th. Ha Ha.
The reason I'm writing you, Rick, is because---if I'm reading this correctly---you're preparing to douse yourself with gasoline and set yourself on fire if the Supreme Court approves equal marriage rights for same-sex couples this Thursday or Friday or Monday or whenever the hell they get around to it.
We are urging you: please don’t do this. You don’t have to do this. You shouldn't do this. It would be very bad if you did this. Very bad and very tragic.
You see, Rick, we gays are already planning to set you on fire along with the entire country. Take a look:
You Tube doesn’t lie, Mr. Scarborough.
I understand that if you light the match to yourself before we do you'll get credit for being "first." And yes, that's something. But, really. We've been planning to torch the country after getting Supreme Court approval of gay marriage for decades. Heck, we spent all weekend stacking the kindling and everything. This is our moment, Rick. Please don’t ruin it for us.
Sincerely,
Billy and The Gays
P.S. I have a friend who sometimes sets himself on fire when he gets a parking ticket, and it's helped him weasel out of quite a number of fines. Perhaps you might try that instead, Rick. You'll make your point and save money, too!
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Note: Today's horoscopes have been canceled on account of our horoscope writer's horoscope says to steer clear of writing horoscopes, so what can ya do? ---Mgt.
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4 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Oregon's
recreational marijuana law takes effect:
7
Days 'til the
NYC LGBT Pride March:
4
White House target for carbon-emission reductions by 2030:
26%
Percent chance that sawed-off shotguns will be legal in Indiana one week from today:
100%
Growth in the tattoo-removal business over the last decade:
440%
Age of the majority of tattoo-removal customers:
35-45
(Source: AP)
Percent chance that former Fed chairman Ben Bernanke thinks Treasury Secretary Jack Lew should replace Jackson on the $20 bill with a woman instead of Hamilton on the $10 bill with a woman:
100%
(Source: Ben Bernanke)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 179 (including 5 volcanoes and 1 false alarm). Soul Protection Factor 16 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Come and get it!
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CHEERS to Meetup Fevuh! Last call to RSVP for the sixth annual meetup at Mayim's Maine cottage by the lake about an hour northwest of Portland. It's coming up this weekend---Saturday, June 27 from roughly noon 'til whenever:
Same deal as other years: I’ll gladly cook and have beer and assorted non-alcoholic beverages. Lake should be warm enough for fun if anyone wants. We have a canoe, a kayak, and plenty of rocks to swim to (and to scrape knees on....). Dogs (well-behaved....) welcome, but Hobbs and Penn prefer to be the only kitties ;-)
If anyone wants to spend Friday and/or Saturday night (for fun, or because it's a long drive.....), I've got room for several, plus some tenting space. For more information/exact directions or to RSVP, email me at killearnan at gmail.com or send a Kosmail.
Michael and I (and Haley the Wonder Dog with the new knee) will be there along with other Kossacks from near and far and we hope you'll be able to join us. Plus I think it's the law now.
Jesus. Not again.
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CHEERS to the right sermon at the right time. President Obama, whose two terms have seen him crisscross the country to provide comfort and support in the wake of gun massacres, will do it again this Friday, when he travels to Charleston to
deliver the eulogy for Emanuel A.M.E. Church Pastor and state senator
Clementa Pinckney. He'll once again summon find a new way to deliver the same simple message---this country needs to take a hard look at itself in the mirror and say: what the fucking fuck, this gun violence is fucked up and shit needs to stop. But with eloquence.
CHEERS to Lucky #13. Yes, folks, today when Piyush "Bobby" Jindal throws his hat into the ring, the Republican primary roster will have achieved a baker's dozen of contenders. Here's his particulars:
"See this, tea party? I'm 'dunking' my
'teabag' as a 'dog whistle' gesture.
Age: 44
Home state: Louisiana
Billionaire benefactor: None, but he does have the support of a crayfish with deep pockets.
Claim to fame: Delivered a disastrous response to the State of the Union address in 2009.
Central campaign theme: I'd make an excellent vice president.
Voter base: Umm… We'll get back to ya on that.
Location of campaign announcement: New Orleans
Slogan: "If you thought Perry was nuts…"
Bobby Jindal fun fact: He's a Rhodes Scholar---but don't tell the GOP base that or they'll run him outta town on a rail before he can finish his introduction speech.
Due to the level of excitement expected at his rollout, campaign organizers will walk around holding a mirror under attendees' noses to make sure they're still breathing.
CHEERS to walking down the aisles in the Isles. Well, bless their hearts. Pitcairn Island---originally settled by the mutineers on the Bounty---decided to pass a law extending marriage equality to all the villagers:
Pitcairn Island as seen from the moon.
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Pitcairn deputy governor Kevin Lynch said…the change was suggested by British authorities after England, Wales and Scotland legalised same-sex marriage last year. He said the law change was unanimously approved by the local council.
Seventh-generation resident Meralda Warren said there had been no same-sex marriages since the law passed and she did not know of any gay couples wanting to marry. … “It’s not Pitcairn Islanders that were pushing for it,” she said. “But it’s like anything else in the world. It’s happening everywhere else, so why not?”
Good question, Meralda!
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Shrug Answer Man. Seventh-generation Pitcairn resident Meralda Warren, speaking about the Islands' new gay marriage law, asks: It’s happening everywhere else, so why not?”
[Shrug]
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
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CHEERS to the 19th century comeback kid. Grover Cleveland ran this crazy republic from 1885 to 1889, sat on the sidelines for four years after losing to Benjamin Harrison, and then bounced back to wrangle the White House for another term in 1892, making him both #22 and #24 in the history books. And check this out: while Lincoln has to make do with the $5 bill and Washington only gets the buck, Cleveland gets the friggin' grand…
Anyway, he
shuffled off his mortal coil 107 years ago today and so far he hasn't bounced back from that. But as a wise zombie once said: "Never say die."
JEERS to the ISIS of diseases. Goddam it, this is personal: cancer has launched an all-out attack on the prostate of the only sitting United States Senator who has ever been foolish enough to admit he reads C&J. But Maine's Angus King promises a counterattack of shock and awe:
"After studying all of my options, and in consultation with my doctors and my family, I’ve decided to have surgery at the end of this week to remove the cancer.
In my case, the doctors found my cancer early. We have a plan to treat it, and plan for a full recovery. So when you see me on the Senate floor in a couple of weeks, or during the August work period in Maine, or on the campaign trail in a couple of years, you will see that I’m back to work with as much energy and dedication to serving you that I promised nearly three years ago."
One small catch: in order to remove a prostate from a senator, he needs approval from two-thirds of his other internal organs. Shouldn't be a problem, though. If his liver tries to filibuster, they'll just toss some Jack Daniels down the gullet and it'll vote for anything.
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 24, 2005
JEERS to driving under the influence of McNuggets. A new British study says the smell of fast food or pastry in your car can make you a more dangerous driver. The smell of peppermint, coffee or lemon makes you more focused. But the smell of SBD...that just means you're walkin' home.
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And just one more…
James Horner (1953-2015)
CHEERS to three decades of musical magic in the movies. The moment I heard the first orchestral notes that accompanied the Starship Enterprise crew in
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, I knew that the composer had an uncanny gift for scoring films. That was 1982, when I was only 17 and James Horner was only 29. I wore out the grooves on that soundtrack album and couldn’t wait to hear what he'd do next. I didn’t have to wait long: that same year he wrote a completely different score---gritty, frantic, percussion driven---for
48 Hours. After that, a cascade of classics:
Krull, Cocoon, Star Trek III, Aliens, Braveheart, Apollo 13, Field of Dreams, The Rocketeer, Titanic, A Beautiful Mind, Avatar, too many to list here. He was like a musical neurologist, knowing exactly which emotional nerves to pluck depending on what was happening onscreen, and which instruments were the best ones for the task. He was simply one of the best composers ever to work in film, and I doubt anyone will ever be able to figure out how he did so much so well so fast.
Horner, whose name graces a huge chunk of my music collection, was also a pilot, and it was while he was flying his private plane that something went really wrong and the ensuing crash took his life. With the nation's attention focused on South Carolina---the murders of nine black people in a church and the fate of the confederate flag---it seems appropriate to dust off his Grammy-winning finale from 1989's Glory, about the all-black 54th Massachusetts Volunteer Regiment that charged Charleston's Fort Wagner during the Civil War as a sample of his talent:
James Horner was 61. He leaves behind an embarrassment of musical riches. But, still…dammit, dammit, dammit. Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop punching holes in the drywall.
Have a nice Wednesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
You can buy a piece of the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool that is nearly the size of England for $325 million
---The Week
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