It's finally here! The first Republican Presidential Primary Debate which is destined to foster intelligent discussion of the issues and help winnow the field so that voters can make a thoughtful decision...
Yeah, not so much. With a field so large it couldn't legally fit in a clown car (since it's over 15 passengers, it's a clown bus), most of whom have enough financial backing to stick around a while, this debate probably won't do anything for the race at all except provide increased popcorn and liquor sales, and resentment among the candidates. Heck, by the time we're through a couple of these debates, many RNC members may well be playing those drinking games (or just drinking); remember, the first actual voting is almost six months away, so there's plenty of time for candidates to say something alarming, dumb, or hateful (or, in the case of Donald Trump, to be himself).
So why not try something different? The overabundant field makes debates problematic, but how to winnow the group down? A competitive format like a reality show would do nicely; a friend of mine imagined a "Bachelor" type show with Reince Preibus handing candidates roses. All well and good, but it seems too calm for this bunch. Combining both excitement and a youthful audience could be done by (a) broadcasting the event on the youth-oriented CW, and (b) using a format from one of their now-cancelled shows...
"Tonight, fifteen people who signed contracts that they thought were autograph books put themselves to the test in a battle of skill and determination and compete for up to $50,000 or more! I'm Jamie Kennedy, and I'm here to lobby for another season of this show."
"And I'm Jessi Cruickshank, and I'm just happy I don't have to worry about voting for any of these people."
"Still a Canadian citizen, then?"
"You bet, eh?"
"The True North Strong and Free. Tonight, we have a very special episode featuring all the Republican presidential candidates with music from Bearden and the F.O.S. Band!"
"So let's welcome fifteen people who will do anything to get on prime-time TV--even on this network--to the Oh Sit! Arena!"
This is normally where they introduce contestants and give them nicknames--"Big Daddy", "Naughty Nurse", etc. See if you can identify the candidates from the nicknames--don't worry, they'll be numbered towards the end!
"Ungulates and possession, coming this fall on the CW?"
"Well, you never know. Now let's explain the rules: when the music starts, candidates run around the track, tackle obstacles and cross the green money line to bank cash!"
"When the music stops, the candidates have to cross a bridge to Chair Island and pick a chair. If they don't get a chair, they're out."
"But each chair has a secret cash value, which is added to the total earned on the track; the lowest money total is also out."
"After six races, the winner is the last one sitting and keeps all the cash they banked. The rest go home with nothing."
"Now, this is full-contact musical chairs, and we have four referees registered with the Federal Election Commission and the Musical Chair Referees of America to look for three things that will get you disqualified: contact above the neck, bypassing an obstacle, and pushing from behind on the track."
"Candidates can push from behind on the bridges, because these people are all about building bridges and then pushing people off them."
"And it's time for our first race!"
"Stand by for music!"
(countdown beeps 5-4-3-2-1)
(horn sounds; the song is "Cleveland Rocks!"...or, perhaps "Dare To Be Stupid")
"And they're off! And right out of the gate, Conehead pushes Random into the moat!"
"It looks like it may have been from the side, but that could be costly! We'll see what the refs think of that!"
" #10, No Bargain gets hung up in the Briar Patch, but manages to work his way out and cross the green money line. Obstacles in this first race are worth $100."
"We call this race First Blood because we lose three candidates right off the bat, two for not getting chairs and one for having the least amount of cash."
"#15, Demon Sheep, zips through Angry Shower in a hurry. Do sheep like water?"
"Don't know, Jessi. #8, Waterboy, leaps through Shockwave, passing by #12, Save Your Breath, who's gotten a bit stuck."
"#7, SuperGenius is doing better, getting through Briar Patch in a hurry. He looks like he's running from something instead of for something!"
"#2, Frothy Mix is stalled in Angry Shower, and gets passed by #1, Other Brother, and #3, Oops, and finally works his way out!"
"#5, Conehead, huffs and puffs his way through Shockwave."
"#6, Random, is right behind him and hops over the green money line."
"#11, Preacherman zips through Briar Patch, passing #9, Mr. Square, who faceplants on the way out!"
"Ouch! He hasn't faceplanted like that since SB5 was on the ballot!"
"#4, Combover's gets through Angry Shower in a hurry, and collects what he would call pocket change."
"#14, Mint Julep, gets passed by #13, Brain Salad Surgery, on Shockwave, but both get through and cross the green money line!"
(horn sounds; the music stops!)
"And the music has stopped! These candidates now have to find a bridge, cross it, and grab a chair to stick around!"
"#3, Oops, is first to stop at a bridge. Also first to trip over his own feet in an effort to stop at a bridge."
"#4, Combover gets to Twister and starts climbing across. Meanwhile, #2, Frothy Mix, runs across Corkscrew and dives onto Chair Island to get the first chair, and #12, Save Your Breath immediately follows and (sploosh) is less successful."
#3, Oops, is back on his feet and on Twister, but #4, Combover, is stalled ahead of him...(sploosh)...Oops pushes Combover off and finishes crossing to grab a chair!"
"Eleven chairs left. #8, Waterboy, runs across Corkscrew and gets a chair, with #6, Random, close behind, but (sploosh) #10, No Bargain, twists the bridge and Random goes down in a hurry!"
"#10, No Bargain, takes advantage and gets the fourth chair."
"#5, Conehead, is on Barracuda, slowly working his way across, with a traffic jam behind him, appropriately enough. #7, SuperGenius, tries to push Conehead off but (sploosh) hits the water himself."
"Stuck at the back of Barracuda, #14, Mint Julep, decides to head for another bridge. He'll have to go through an obstacle but collect no money for doing so."
"#12, Save Your Breath, is trying Corkscrew again, and #11, Preacherman, tries to twist him off, and (sploosh) succeeds, leaving a clear path for Preacherman to get a chair."
"#5, Conehead, finishes his slow crossing of Barracuda and gets his chair. Seven left."
"#15, Demon Sheep, is crossing Twister, with #4, Combover, close behind. He wants to push her off but can't reach her to do so, and she makes it to a chair just before he does."
"#9, Mr. Square, makes his way across now-unblocked Barracuda to get a chair, with #13, Brain Salad Surgery, close behind. Only three chairs left."
"#1, Other Brother, has waited for an opening on Corkscrew, and zips across gracefully, followed by #6, Random (sploosh)...ooh, less graceful."
"#14, Mint Julep, finds an open Twister and makes his way across. One chair left!"
"And it looks like it'll go to #12, Save Your Breath, crossing Barracuda...but #7, SuperGenius, pushes him off and reaches the island to get the final chair!"
"Leaving #6, Random, and #12, Save Your Breath, all wet in more ways than one. Let's go down to our track correspondent, Tanika Ray, to talk to our first losers!"
"This race is tougher than a Koch Brothers conference! Random, do you have any thoughts?"
"It's the free market at work. Sometimes you succeed..."
"...and sometimes you fail. Thanks, Random. How about you, Save Your Breath?"
"Well, this defeat is clearly a blow for religious freedom nationally..."
"Thanks for coming. Now, back to the duo upstairs."
"Sad to see them go. They looked like they knew what they were doing, even though they didn't."
"Now, there are 13 people sitting in chairs, but only 12 are sticking around based on how much money they earned by completing obstacles on the track and the random cash values of their chairs."
"Let's head to the ring of chairs for the results!"
"#14, Mint Julep, you earned $400 on the track and $100 from your chair, for a total of $500. That'll buy a few drinks."
"#2, Frothy Mix, you had $300 on the track and $500 from your chair, for $800. Dry cleaning not included."
"#4, Combover, $400 on the track, $750 from your chair, for $1,150. Please don't fire us!"
"#9, Mr. Square, $300 on the track and your chair added $150. Not bad for a newcomer."
"#5, Conehead, $300 on the track and $1,000 from your chair. That'll cover some bridge tolls."
"#11, Preacherman, $300 on the track and $250 in chair money. Grits and gravy tonight!"
"#7, SuperGenius, from one Calgarian to another, you collected only $300 on the track, but made up for it by being in the $5,000 chair! That'll buy you more friends!"
"#3, Oops, $400 on the track and $600 from the chair. Call Warby Parker!"
#13, Brain Salad Surgery, $400 on the track and $350 from your chair. Can I get a doctor's note for school tomorrow?"
#1, Other Brother, $400 on the track and only $50 from your chair. That's enough to survive for now."
"We're down to the final two, #10, No Bargain, and #15, Demon Sheep. Both of you collected $300 on the track, but one of you is in the $2,000 chair, and the other is in a chair worth nothing. The candidate in the $2,000 chair is...#10, No Bargain! Looks like we'll find out if sheep can swim!"
"Oh-oh, the ref's arm is up. Looks like someone's headed back to Drumthwacket!"
"Due to unsportsmanlike conduct, #5, Conehead, is disqualified! Take a swim!"
(SPLOOSH)
"Let's take a look at the Sit List. SuperGenius leads with $5,300 and as long as racers stay in, they keep adding money. Demon Sheep inherits Conehead's $1,300."
"Next, the obstacles get tougher, the money gets bigger, and Jamie collects twenty bucks from the director for pronouncing "Drumthwacket" correctly."
"Panda Express tonight! More next!"
(Now, here's the full list of candidate nicknames. How many can you identify?)
1) Other Brother
2) Frothy Mix
3) Oops
4) Combover
5) Conehead
6) Random
7) SuperGenius
8) Waterboy
9) Mr. Square
10) No Bargain
11) Preacherman
12) Save Your Breath
13) Brain Salad Surgery
14) Mint Julep
15) Demon Sheep