Tonight's FOX News sponsored GOP debate is sure to produce plenty of shot-guzzling moments for all of the drinking games that will surely be going on tonight. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if emergency rooms have been placed on full alert for increased calls stemming from alcohol poisoning. On the plus side, the pluming industry should see an increase in business stemming from plugged toilets of folks who clearly just couldn't hold their liquor.
However, there is a population of folks that may be unfairly left out of all of tonight's fun...teetotalers. These are the folks who don't imbibe, and will be forced to sit on the sidelines while the rest of liberal-nation gets stinking, pissy drunk. Plus there are those of us who have to work in the morning who'd rather not show up with a raging hangover. Well fear not. For those of us who are abstaining this evening, I've come up with our very own drinking game. Needless to say, if the debate goes as it probably will, it will involve very little drinking (unless you just want to drink for the fun of it).
For the record, I'm not a booze connoisseur, so your choice of libation is totally up to you. It's not like you're be consuming much, so you can use Drain-o with a grain alcohol chaser for all I care. Here are the rules.
Take one shot for the following:
- Donald Trump admits that Bill Clinton put him up to all this.
- Any candidate admits that "Obamacare" as it is today was originally Bob Dole's version of Health Care Reform.
- Ben Carson is asked...ANYTHING AT ALL.
- Jeb Bush goes on record saying that his brother really SUCKED as president, and so will he.
- Chris Christie actually acknowledges that New Jersey exists.
Take two shots for the following:
- The candidates all admit that Lindsey Graham is just the rent-boy they all share.
- One or more candidates admit to being hot for Michelle Obama...and feel really ashamed for it.
- One or more candidates admit that their wives fantasize about Barack Obama...and they're all just jealous.
- They all concede that the whole Jade Helm "controversy" was just something they heard from Glenn Beck.
- One or more of the candidates actually praises, then apologizes to the Gay soldier they all booed in 2012.
Take three shots for the following:
- Ben Carson acknowledges that a.) he's BLACK, and b.) Black lives really do matter.
~ BONUS SHOT: The audience actually APPLAUDS him.
- One or more candidates admit that TARP, the Bank Bailouts, and Fast and Furious were all signed by BUSH.
- Jeb Bush just hauls off and pimp-slaps the weave off of Trump.
- Megyn Kelly asks the candidates who they think is WHITER, Santa Claus or Jesus Christ.
- Trump announces he's teaming up with Orly Taitz to search for Ted Cruz's long-form birth certificate.
Take the bottle to the head for the following:
- Donald Trump actually announces that he'd pick Sarah Palin as his running mate.
~ BONUS BOTTLE: Chris Christie, in his best imitation of Keith Olbermann, responds, "THAT WOMAN IS AN IDIOT!"
- John Kasich just throws up his hands and runs from the debate stage screaming and wetting his pants.
- Mike Huckabee admits that the US Constitution WAS NOT written by Jesus Christ.
- Any candidate admits the following:
~ Obama kept us safe from mass casualty attacks the full 8 years of his presidency.
~ Obama brought the economy back from the mess G. W. Bush made.
~ Stocks went up, and unemployment went down under Obama.
~ Obamacare WORKS!
~ and oh, OBAMA GOT BIN LADEN!
So there you have it, folks. Have fun tonight. And if you actually manage to get drunk from this game, either you're watching the wrong debate, or you need to call AA quick.