MURRICA!!!
If there is one thing I've learned from Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and vaguely sourced memes on my Facebook feed, it's this. Liberals know precisely jack-crap about anything worth knowing jack-crap about. So as a public service to all, I offer this list of often overlooked lessons from bona-fide conservative heroes.
On reducing taxes - Of COURSE conservatives are FOR it, right? Let's check in with Republican mainstay and Red Foreman man-crush, Dwight Eisenhower. >Give us the straight dope, Ike!
"So, whether we are ready to face the job this minute or any other time, the fact is there must be balanced budgets before we are again on a safe and sound system in our economy. That means, to my mind, that we cannot afford to reduce taxes, reduce income, until we have in sight a program of expenditures that shows that the factors of income and of outgo will be balanced. Now that is just to my mind sheer necessity." - Dwight D. Eisenhower
Well, crap. I guess we can excuse Ike, he DID after all lower the top marginal tax rate... from a JOB-CRUSHING 92 percent to... uhm.... 91 percent. MOVING ON!!!
On gun control - NOT JUST NO BUT HELL NO!!! Let's get the NRA in here to back us up.
“I have never believed in the general practice of carrying weapons. I do not believe in the general promiscuous toting of guns. I think it should be sharply restricted and only under licenses.” - former NRA president Karl T. Frederick
Ignore that guy... who the hell is he anyway? Sounds like the guy from UP or something. Lets let Saint Ronny weigh in instead
“There’s no reason why on the street today a citizen should be carrying loaded weapons.” - Ronald Reagan
Well yeah, but we need them on the streets TODAY to protect us from the government. A CONSERVATIVE government isn't a danger to anyone! OBVIOUSLY that's what Ronnie meant. Let's change the subject.
To religious Freedoms! - In God we trust! America is a Christian Nation! Barry Goldwater, set us on the righteous path here.
"The religious factions will go on imposing their will on others unless the decent people connected to them recognize that religion has no place in public policy. They must learn to make their views known without trying to make their views the only alternatives. . . We have succeeded for 205 years in keeping the affairs of state separate from the uncompromising idealism of religious groups and we mustn't stop now. To retreat from that separation would violate the principles of conservatism and the values upon which the framers built this democratic republic." - Barry Goldwater
I got nothing on this one.
On immigration Sure Ronnie let us down earlier, but that was GOVERNOR Reagan. President Reagan, spin the jams!
"I believe in the idea of amnesty for those who have put down roots and lived here, even though sometime back they may have entered illegally." - Ronald Reagan
Must have had too many jelly beans that day. Fix it, George W.!
"Some in this country argue that the solution is to — is to deport every illegal immigrant and that any proposal short of this amounts to amnesty. I disagree. It is neither wise nor realistic to round up millions of people, many with deep roots in the United States, and send them across the border. There is a rational middle ground between granting an automatic path to citizenship for every illegal immigrant, and a program of mass deportation. That middle ground recognizes that there are differences between an illegal immigrant who crossed the border recently and someone who has worked here for many years, and has a home, a family, and an otherwise clean record. I believe that illegal immigrants who have roots in our country and want to stay should have to pay a meaningful penalty for breaking the law, … to pay their taxes, … to learn English … and to work in a job for a number of years. People who meet these conditions should be able to apply for citizenship but approval would not be automatic, and they will have to wait in line behind those who played by the rules and followed the law. What I’ve have just described is not amnesty it is a way for those who have broken the law to pay their debt to society, and demonstrate the character that makes a good citizen." - George W. Bush
That was way too nuanced for me. Sometimes G W just gets too deep. I'm gonna assume he said kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out. Well, this exercise didn't go quite the way I hoped. Obviously guns and God are the only solutions worth mentioning; and taxes and brown people just gots to GO. And if Eisenhower, Goldwater, Reagan and the NRA disagree, to hell with them too.
After all, they're just dirty RINO's anyway.