The parents of Wisconsin governor Scott Walker let slip that he was conceived to improve their chances of being allowed to stay in the Badger state.
“it’s true,” said the Governor’s father. I was a young minister at the time, and the church tends to move you from state to state quite a bit. Having Scotty gave us more bargaining power to choose whether or not to accept another move. It was a purely strategic maneuver.”
The interview, part of a recurring “Get to know your governor” series, was broadcast on WTMJ’s morning talk-radio program.
“Well, dear,” his wife added, “He was also the fruit of God’s plan for us, and for Wisconsin. Our love for each other created this beautiful boy whom any mother would be proud to call her own.”
“Yeah, well, that too, I suppose,” the retired minister replied.
A pregnant pause ensued, punctuated by the sound of paper shuffling and urgent whispers.
“Perhaps nothing illustrates Governor Walker’s suitability for the Oval Office more than his diligent efforts to achieve the rank of Beagle Scout,” the program host offered, “Tell us what it was like to see him earn that much-coveted badge.”
“Well, at least he tried,” his father answered.
“Dear, be carefu-“ his mother interrupted.
“But it didn’t look too good when he was caught trying to bribe the examiners. They put him on probationary status-“
“Honey, we agreed not to share-“
“Hell, he even made up a fake Beagle Scout badge. We’d catch him looking at himself in the mirror, wearing his uniform with that fake badge, saluting-“
“Now Dear, we did encourage him to exhibit exemplary behavior during his probation and to actually study for the exam-“
“Didn’t work,” his father replied, “The quitter just gave up.”
“Honey, he developed other interests-“
“Pulled a Palin. That’s what he did.”
Another on-air pause. More paper shuffling, more urgent whispers.
“What interests and hobbies did your son have as a boy?” the host queried.
“Oh, Scottie was very interested in Science and Nature!” his mother chirped. “He was always looking at insects with his magnifying glass!”
“Huh, he’d do more than just look at ‘em,” his father replied. “The little freak used to catch grasshoppers and set’em on fire with that magnifying glass!”
“Honey, we agreed not-“
“The stink always gave him away-“
“It was just a boy’s natural curiosity-“
“Remember when we found that ant hill on fire? Your Golden Boy poured gasoline on it, tossed in a match-“
“That’s quite enough!” said his mother. “You will not speak of our son-“
“And get this! He’s not just watching with that dead-eyed stare and lopsided grin. He’s chanting, “You’re not bugs, you’re union thugs. Die! Die! Die!”
“This sports item just in,” said the host. “Green Bay Packer Randall Cobb will be out for at least the first three games of the season…”