Hi! You’re probably barely aware of my existence! And you’re CERTAINLY unaware that I was EVER sounding you out in any searching, probing attempt to find out what the policies of Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders are. Because I never posted much of anything in DailyKos to ask any of you about any of that, or actually made much of any attempt to search inquisitively about the nuts and bolts of the candidates’ policies.
But trust me, my friends—you can trust me—I have been locked in a wrenching, emotionally fraught adventure of self-searching, the likes of which few on Kos could ever imagine, let alone have ever subjected themselves to. Nay, though you’ve been through never so traumatic a set of experiences in your life, you have NEVER been on an inner journey such as I now announce that I am bringing to a close. For I Was Totally Thinking of Voting for Bernie, but then Bernie’s Jerk Supporters Made Me Vote Hillary.
Sure, some trolls will say “You, uh… seriously? You changed which candidate you’re voting for because… some of their supporters online seemed mean?” or will ask “excuse me, but WHICH supporters are you talking about? Could we see any specific examples?” or will even say “hey wait a second—Clinton supporters are just as often equally snotty. Here are MY examples.” But anyone can use Google. And if I tell someone “just use Google and you’ll see that I’m right” and they reply “uh… I can Google something that will tell me that Hillary Clinton is a shape-shifter from Dr. Who and that Bernie Sanders is an Illuminatus from Betelgeuse. Please provide EVIDENCE,” then I don’t know what to tell you. “Just use Google and you’ll see that I’m right” IS evidence! And I, and the thousands of others who will write this same diary over the coming weeks, ALWAYS base our voting on what a random sample of hypothetically-existing people on the Internet say! Calling that “nonsense” or “a bunch of bullshit that actually doesn’t even sound the least bit plausible” is just the type of nastiness I’ve been talking about. What else SHOULD your vote be based on?
So thank you, my dear friends—my Hillary-supporting friends, that is. For sadly, I must leave those horrible, awful Bernie supporters, all or almost all of whom are such Bad, Bad People that they cannot be treated with. How I longed to establish a gentle rapport with them, making allies of one another in our common interest in seeing progressive goals realized, with mutually respectful posts that attempted to find the most sensible reading of the other side’s points, and to assume the best of the other posters. Sure, I never actually did that, but take it from me, I longed to.
Besides: Can’t you read? It’s the OTHER side’s fault! What are you getting on my back about? I shouldn’t have to explain myself. And I’m confident that once the comments start rolling in, there’ll be enough “Yes. This”-kissers backing me up, and insulting every single Bernie voter on planet earth, that I won’t need to. For those who aren’t them, I can only pity you, in your deluded mindset about your candidate’s unworkable attempt to become electable. “He’s electable,” you say? You actually think that elections are won by persuading millions of voters to vote for you? Acch. God, you’re like children, all of you.
And I just have to pity you for your extreme jerkliness. Er, excuse me—your whole SIDE’S extreme jerkliness. As in, every single one of your fellow Bernie voters, most or ALL of whom are jerks. And I’m not a jerk for saying that. No, when I say “you’re a jerk,” that is NOT an insult, or name-calling. What are you talking about? Clinton supporters are not the kind of jerks who insult or name-call. Only these jerk Bernie supporters are the kind of jerks who name-call and insult people like that.
Sorry, Bernie—I know you said lots of stuff about “the Issues,” but that’s what we PAY our presidents to deal with. So we don’t have to! We’ll learn about the issues after the election.
Generic First Posts for Generic Diary:
Clinton Supporter: “The comments on this diary prove the diarist’s point! What JERKS All These Bernie Supporters Are! Looks like we’ll just have to repeat this diary in a month, like we always have since Bernie entered the race!”
Bernie Supporter: “Uh… what do you mean ‘the comments on this diary prove the diarist’s point’? Yours WAS the first comment.”
Clinton Supporter: “Um… AHA! You see? Bernie supporters are attacking me! NOW their fangs are bared, and we see what they really stand for!”
Second Bernie Supporter: “Already diaried”
Clinton Supporter: “AHA! Your comment proves the diarist’s point!”
Clinton Supporter: [Lists several snotty comments from Bernie supporters; steadfastly ignores every list of snotty comments from Hillary supporters, pretend do not exist]
UPDATE: 9:24 p.m. PST, 1/23/16: Wow! My first time on the rec list! Thanks, folks!
Hillary supporters, thanks to a number of you for taking it with good humor, even though I’m teasing your diarists with it.
UPDATE: 2:01 p.m. PST, 1/24/16: Wow wow! At 111 recs. You folks rock. I don’t care what they say about you, Bernie supporters! I definitely do not think that you should be considered intrinsically less than.