Chances are, you’re gonna like this. The “ask” might not be what you think but it’s a simple and easy way to build trust with anyone, even the staunchest conservatives.
The election presents a unique opportunity to make a deal with someone that you will fight with them on an issue after the election, regardless of who wins. It’s a unique opportunity to say, “Hey, we may disagree now, but let’s fight together after the election to make things better no matter who wins.”
Here’s exactly how—and why it works.
Why is this important?
Arguments don’t win people. In fact, they tend to harden opinions and solidify sides. If you want to win people, one of the best ways to do it is to fight with them on something.
One of my favorite examples is from John Kotter’s book Leading Change. Kotter outlines the following example:
Three groups of ten individuals are in a park at lunchtime with a rainstorm threatening. In the first group, someone says: “Get up and follow me.” When he starts walking and only a few others join in, he yells to those still seated: “Up, I said, and NOW!” In the second group, someone says, “We’re going to have to move. Here’s the plan. Each of us stands up and marches in the direction of the apple tree. Please stay at least two feet away from other group members and do not run. Do not leave any personal belongings on the ground here and be sure to stop at the base of the tree. When we are all there ...” In the third group, someone tells the others: “It’s going to rain in a few minutes. Why don’t we go over there and sit under that huge apple tree. We’ll stay dry, and we can have fresh apples for lunch.”
You can probably guess which example works best. This said, how many times do we sound like the first or second example without knowing it?
Right now we have a unique opportunity to lead change in a very powerful way.
The ask
Specifically, the form of this ask looks like the following:
I know nothing I say is going to change your mind about who you’re voting for this election. Similarly, you’re not going to change my mind.
This said, I know we still agree on a lot of things. After the election, regardless of who wins, would you fight with me to __________________________________.
You’ll have to fill in the blank yourself. The best way to do this is to think of something that you and the other person could agree on.
Here’s a few thoughts. Would you fight with me to ___________________________.
- Fix some of the issues with health care.
- Make sure our veterans get the best care they can.
- Help raise people’s wages so they can afford a decent living.
- Stop police from killing innocent black people.
- End tax loopholes for the wealthy.
- End sexual assault.
There are many more. Again, the trick is to think of something that you and whoever you are talking to could agree on.
I’ve done this in person more often than not, but here’s one example from a conservative Facebook group I’m in. The group was founded by conservatives and is overwhelmingly pro-Trump. Over the past year, I’ve spent time getting to know many of the folks there and simply talking about issues. It’s one of the ways I use to work on my own leadership skills.
In this case, the person I’m talking to is an older retired veteran from Texas. I decided to ask him to fight with me if Donald Trump is elected and it turns out he is the dictator I think he could be.
Here was his response. He’s skeptical and wants to hold me accountable. This is fair.
I know this may seem small, but what we’ve reached is a moment where we agree on something and we’re not fighting. Literally, this was where the conversation ended. In a pact. A small one for sure, but you have to start somewhere.
With this person in particular, I actually know there’s a number of areas where we agree. He’s a veteran so he’s very much in support of plans to help veterans. We can also agree that there are issues with the ACA that need to be addressed. His approach to addressing the ACA is quite different, but at least we can agree on some of the issues. We also have very similar tastes in music that we often diverge on and talk about.
I know we won’t agree on everything, but what I have seen since joining this group is that the conservatives there treat me differently than the people who only fight against them.
They are much more hostile toward them. And they’re much more open toward me, even though I’m often taking the exact same positions as more combative folks. This is because I do things like agree with them when I agree with them. When someone brings up something I agree with, like personal responsibility, for example, I’ll talk about how I share that value. There’s no harm in agreeing with people when you actually agree.
I work to build trust. And one of the best ways to build trust is to work together on something. The “something” itself matters less than the working together.
Coda
The upcoming election makes this the perfect time for “the ask” because you’re offering to fight with someone, even if your candidate wins.
Not only will this help you build trust before the election, but it can also help bring people back together after Nov. 8.
Perhaps the best part about this strategy is that I can even share it with conservatives because if they want to ask me to work on something with them, I’m happy to talk about it. Let’s figure out what we can work together on.
David Akadjian is the author of The Little Book of Revolution: A Distributive Strategy for Democracy (ebook now available).