I can confidently predict that Hillary Clinton will beat Donald Trump in 2016 because Clinton has two syllables in her name (which starts with the letter C, not the letter K) and Trump has only one syllable in his name. I’ve just conducted an extensive analysis of the Presidential Elections going back to 1952. Yes, I have studied 64 years of data! It took me several minutes. I have found an irrefutable pattern that’s based on syllable analysis. I’m surprised that nobody has noticed this before. Probably because they’re not mathematical geniuses.
If we examine the historical facts with an unbiased mind, we’ll discover the following rules that apply to all Presidential Elections:
Rule #1: If the candidates have an equal number of syllables in their names, the Republican always wins. Two syllables each: 1968 Nixon (R) beat Humphrey (D); 1980 Reagan (R) beat Carter (D); 1984 Reagan (R) beat Mondale (D). One syllable each: 2000 Bush (R) beat Gore (D) with the help of the Supreme Court (who obviously knew about Rule #1).
Rule #2: Four syllables beats three syllables. The only examples I can produce are Eisenhower beating Stevenson in 1952 and 1956. I thought about making a rule that a three-syllable Senator (Stevenson) from Illinois always loses. But that’s obviously wrong because Senator Obama from IL has three syllables in his name and he won. Sometimes you have to abandon a theory that doesn’t fit the facts.
Rule #3a: Three syllables usually beats two. Examples are: 1960 Kennedy beat Nixon, 2008 Obama beat McCain, and 2012 Obama beat Romney. The exception to this rule is that an incumbent with two syllables will beat a challenger with three. So. Rule #3b (but the incumbent wins): Johnson beat Goldwater in 1964 and Nixon beat McGovern in 1972. The exception proves the rule. Or something like that. Sometimes the exception lets you make a new rule that doesn’t make sense.
Rule #4: One beats three. Always. The only time this happened in the last 64 years is when Bush beat Dukakis in 1988. I suppose you could say it’s always true or that it was true only once. Or I suppose you could say Greek-American Governors from MA with three-syllable names starting with the letter D never win. Occam’s Razor: The simplest explanation is that one syllable beats three.
Rule #5a: Two syllables beat one syllable. Usually. Carter beat Ford in 1976. Clinton beat Bush in 1992. Clinton beat Dole in 1996. But then Kerry lost to Bush in 2004. How do you explain 2004? Well, let’s think about it. Rule #5b: I think it’s obvious that if you have a hard K sound at the beginning of your name and your name starts with a C (Carter, Clinton, and Clinton), you win the election. But if your name starts with a K (Kerry), you’re doomed. Kennedy won in 1960 with three syllables, so that’s OK. Even if he was from Massachusetts. Was he Greek? If he was, I might have to change my theory.
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This is obviously snark. However, if Clinton beats Trump this year, I can say I predicted the outcome through very academic and very groundbreaking syllabic analysis. This could be Yuge. Maybe I’ll write a book about syllable analysis. I’m pretty sure I’m a genius.