From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
And Away We Go
When I first heard that Trump had won, I admit I was pretty down about it, too. But once you look past all the lying and groping and business failing and KKK endorsement, beyond the lack of political experience or basic knowledge of how our government works or what's in that ratty old Constitution Shmonshtitution, his campaign promises glisten like jewels in the sun. I mean, holy crow…
» We're getting a big beautiful wall! The best wall that was ever built, using thousands and thousands…and probably millions and millions…of big beautiful workers working on that big beautiful wall! A wall that will be built so fastly and so greatly that we will actually get bored with all the fastness and greatness. And then we'll send an invoice to Mexico and they'll write us a check!
» ISIS is toast already, believe me. They're toast. They just are! Working with our good new friends Russia and Syria (NATO, you can go home now), we're going to corral all of the ISIS terrorist thugs into one perfect location and then nuke the shit out of 'em. Problem solved---no more terrorists! And while we're over there we'll bomb all those little Iranian boats that have been disrespecting us for so long with their little gestures, you know the ones I mean. And once again our Navy will be great again in the waterway that we'll officially rename the Strait Of America Fuck Yeah.
» Officer Trump is on the beat. Black communities will enjoy a new renaissance, thanks to police tanks on every corner and cops in riot gear bursting into homes with guns drawn 24/7 to make sure everybody seems to be lawfully abiding our big beautiful laws. You may even get to know some of the officers by their voices as they force you to the ground and tell you to freeze (in that order), and maybe start inviting them for coffee and other neighborhood-building activities.
» The LGBT community will enjoy greater security and respect because President Trump will forbid any more throwing of LGBT people off of roofs in other countries. Message: he cares.
» The economy will be great again with 6 percent GDP (minimum!) month after beautiful month and magnificent trade deals with China and all the other countries. We are going to go from a losing economy to a winning economy so fast and so quickly and speedily and expeditiously that we're all going to get bored with all the winning.
» Melania is going to clean up all of the social media with a snap of her fingers. How cool is that!?
I could go on and on and on with all the going on, but that’s enough for now to convince me to give our new skipper Donald J. Trump a turn at the tiller. Which reminds me, you do know that he's bringing back the presidential yacht, don’t you? It’ll be the biggest and most beautiful presidential yacht ever. Right up until the moment it hits the iceberg.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold...
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, November 10, 2016
Note: C&J will not appear on this modestly-successful web site Monday as we will be at a freaking-out seminar. Back Tuesday wearing a paper bag with a big yellow smiley face on it.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Thanksgiving: 14
Days 'til Flea Fest in Lake Charles, Louisiana: 2
Percent chance that marijuana ballot initiatives in CA, ME, MA, NV, FL, AK, ND and MT passed Tuesday night: 100%
Clinton's margin of victory in Maine's 1st congressional district: 54%-40%
Trump's margin of victory in Maine's 2nd congressional district: 51%-41%
Year the word "Vacationland" first appeared on Maine license plates: 1936
Dow Jones Industrials at yesterday's close: +256.95
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
So, fellow progressives, stop thinking about suicide or moving abroad.
Want to feel better? Eat a sour grape, then do something immediately, now, today. Figure out what you can do to help rescue the country---join something, send a little money to some group, call somewhere and offer to volunteer, find a politician you like at the local level and start helping him or her to move up. Think about how you can lend a hand to the amazing myriad efforts that will promptly break out to help the country recover from what it has done to itself. Now is the time. Don't mourn, organize.
---November 2004
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Puppy Pic of the Day: The 10 Dog Commandments...
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CHEERS to bidding a classy farewell. Despite winning the hearts of more American voters than Donald Trump, the electoral vote that actually rules the day was not so kind to Hillary Clinton. So "President"-elect Trump it is, and yesterday Hillary officially conceded the race:
"This is not the outcome that we wanted and we worked so hard for, and I am sorry that we did not win this election," Clinton told supporters and campaign workers in New York.
Clinton also addressed the historic achievement for which she twice strived in losing presidential campaigns.
"I know we have still not shattered that highest and hardest glass ceiling, but someday, someone will, and hopefully sooner than we might think right now."
"And to all the little girls who are watching this, never doubt that you are valuable and powerful and deserving of every chance and opportunity in the world to pursue and to achieve your own dreams."
I will say one thing for her opponent: during the campaign he didn’t actually go out onto 5th Avenue and pull a gun and shoot somebody, like he threatened. Golly, ya gotta admire the restraint.
JEERS to the buttsitters. How does a Mussolini rise to power in the United States of America? 1) Have an electoral college and 2) teach your citizens that they can vote…or not…whatever:
Here endeth the lesson. You may now commence puking.
(4-out-of-5) CHEERS to the Maine events. We had five referendum questions on our state's ballot Tuesday night, and the result was mostly good news: we voted to increase the minimum wage to $12, to legalize recreational marijuana, to beef up funding for public schools by taxing the rich a little more, and to move to a ranked-choice voting system in state races with more than two candidates so that the winner would get an outright majority of votes (and, among other things, prevent future fringe lunatics like Paul LePage from becoming governor). The one question that failed was the one calling for a more expansive system of background checks on gun purchases. (But at least it was close.) Meanwhile, a little history was made in Portland, when Pious Ali (what a great name) became the first African-born Muslim elected to our city council, snagging 63% of the vote. We hate to brag, but…we will.
CHEERS to Squinty McToiletseat’s amazing drain-swirl act. Boy, if this holds up, it's sweet vindication for the North Carolina governor's vindictiveness toward the LGBT community:
Democratic Attorney General Roy Cooper appears to have unseated Republican Gov. Pat McCrory. On Wednesday, Cooper claimed victory over McCrory with 100 percent of precincts reporting.
A margin of 4,772 votes separates the two candidates; McCrory can request a recount, but it’ll be difficult to overcome that relatively sizable margin.
McCrory’s loss can fairly obviously be attributed to his support of HB2, a notoriously nasty law that repealed local LGBTQ nondiscrimination ordinances and forbade most transgender people from using certain bathrooms.
You might say McCrory just met his Water LOO! Get it? Loo? Like in toilet only the British kind? (Please clap. That's about as good as you're gonna get from me today.)
CHEERS to the new kids on the block. 2016 was also supposed to be the "easy year" for pickups in the Senate, and that turned out to be a nightmare, too. If the Republicans don’t nuke the filibuster so they can shove their agenda through unfettered I'll eat my "Canada Or Bust" hat. Politically they'd be stupid not to, and our side was going to do it anyway. But major props to the Democrats who won their elections:
> Harry Reid’s Nevada Senate seat will be occupied now by Catherine Cortez Masto, who becomes the nation’s first Latina U.S. senator.
> In a squeaker, Maggie Hassan defeated Kelly "Donald Trump Is A Great Role Model For Kids" Ayotte in New Hampshire by several hundred votes.
> Rep. Tammy Duckworth beat the hapless Mark Kirk in Illinois.
> Barbara Boxer's seat will be in good hands, thanks to the election of Kamala Harris.
They'll be welcome female faces in the chamber, and I expect them to stir up, as Congressman John Lewis says, "good trouble." Three words, ladies: steel-tipped shoes.
CHEERS to comforting reassurances. The screenwriter of the new Star Wars movie made me feel hopeful for the future...well, in the near-term, anyway. Yesterday he tweeted: “When I think of Trump actually being president, and I think of the world, I feel shame and humiliation. I hope this passes someday.” I responded:
Much obliged, young Padewan.
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 10, 2006
JEERS to two big jerks. Good riddance: George Allen (R-VA) and Conrad Burns (R-MT) both conceded defeat yesterday, paving the way for Jim Webb and Jon Tester to take their place in the U.S. Senate a month and a half from now. As to what the losers should do with all their free time, may we suggest a few months in charm school (with special emphasis on anger management)?
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And just one more…
CHEERS to knockin' that sucker down. Twenty-seven years ago this week, the world witnessed a surreal scene: Berliners hacking away with pickaxes and hammers at that damned wall that had divided their city for decades---a mind-blowing moment that briefly galvanized the planet in celebration. And what sparked it wasn't the pope or the U.N. or even ex-president Saint Ronald Reagan---it was this awkwardly-delivered comment by Politburo member Guenter Schabowski a day earlier:
"Therefore...um...we have decided today...um...to implement a regulation that allows every citizen of the German Democratic Republic...um...to...um...leave East Germany through any of the border crossings," said Schabowski.
He appeared scarcely to believe his own words and we were all dumbfounded. What did he just say? Schabowski was asked when the new rule would take effect. "That comes into effect...according to my information.... immediately, without delay," Schabowski stammered, shuffling through the papers spread in front of him as he sought in vain for more information.
I still link to this must-see Boston Globe photo diary, which documents the jubilation and its aftermath. I had the chance to visit Berlin a couple times in the 70s when I was kid. I had a middle-school knowledge of the post-war history of Berlin, but nothing could prepare me for the contrast I saw in person: vibrant and colorful on the western side…oppressive, gray, boarded-up and barbed-wired on the eastern side. In some ways it reminds me of what this country has become: reality-based, education-oriented and live-and-let-live on the left…authoritarian, trigger-happy, reality-averse and homogenous on the other. We saw that divide bigly on Tuesday night. But my point is: Happy reunification anniversary, Germany---let's all drink beer.
Hang in there. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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