Pre-gobble gobble preparations
No pardon for this one:
Wherever your travels take you over the holidays---whether by plane, train, automobile, blimp, or a twisted-up blunt on your living room couch---have a safe and stuffy-facey one. Which reminds me: I really gotta watch Planes, Trains and Automobiles again. Classic.
A guaranteed 100% T***p-free Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Note: An abbreviated Cheers and Jeers will appear tomorrow in honor of the federal holiday known as "Family Dysfunction Awareness Day." No C&J Friday. Back Monday. Bring leftovers.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the start of Hanukkah: 31
Days 'til the Valley Forge Beer & Cider Festival in Philadelphia: 10
Number of acres around Yellowstone National Park that just got protected from mining claims by the Obama administration for at least two years: 30,000
Year by which Canada plans to phase out coal-fueled electricity entirely: 2030
Date O'Hare Airport workers will go on strike, joining fast-food employees nationwide in calling for a $15/hour wage: 11/29/16
Average cost of a Thanksgiving feast for 10 people, down 24 cents from last year thanks to the Obama recovery: $49.87
Age of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade this year: 90
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Mid-week Rapture Index:
188 (including 4 false prophets and 1 case of inconvenient timing). Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: “Psych!!!”
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CHEERS to something that looks really awesome on a resume. Well, that was fast. Less than two weeks after announcing their names, President Obama awarded the Medal of Freedom to his final 21 recipients yesterday. The awards are given out for "An especially meritorious contribution to the security or national interests of the United States, world peace, cultural or other significant public or private endeavors." This year's gaggle:
NBA #1 scorer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar…tribal community leader Elouise Cobell (posthumous)…Ellen DeGeneres…Robert De Niro…polymath physicist Richard Garwin…Bill and Melinda Gates…architect Frank Gehry…NASA scientist Margaret H. Hamilton…Tom Hanks…Rear Admiral Grace Hopper (posthumous)…Michael Jordan…artist/designer Maya Lin…SNL creator Lorne Michaels…attorney Newt Minow…educator Eduardo Padrón…Robert Redford…Diana Ross…Vin Scully…Bruce Springsteen…and Cicely Tyson.
In an act of supreme cat herding, Tracee Ellis Ross, daughter of Honoree Diana Ross, got everyone to take the mannequin challenge:
Each honoree gets the medal, a ribbon, a tie clip and, due to a clerical error on the official paperwork, their own squad of Ninja assassins. Good advice for all of you: don’t forget to send 'em a Christmas card this year.
JEERS to a bit of a mess. If you're traveling today in your 2016 Tesla electric open sleigh, you may get a little damp in the middle-to-western part of the country. This is what the Thanksgiving map looks like, according to the Weather Channel's Atari 2600 forecast computer:
The gays, feminists and pagans are quick to point out, by the way, that any weather messes this year are not their fault. Responsibility rests solely on the homophobes, the male chauvinists and the Bible thumpers. If you end up in it while driving, remember: keep your hands at 10 and 2 and your expression like this: <|:-O (The pointy hat is optional, but very stylish.)
CHEERS to "Young Hickory of the Granite Hills.” Now resting uncomfortably near the bottom of every worst-president list: New Hampshire's Franklin "#14" Pierce, whose life was a slow downward spiral, from the childhood deaths of his three children (including Benjamin, killed in a train derailment at age 11 after Pierce won the election) and his despondent and unstable wife, to his unsuccessful battle against the bottle. During his lethargic one term in office (1853-1857) he managed to piss just about everybody off, and he failed to get the nomination for a second term. Adding insult to injury, he became so invisible that he didn’t attend successor James Buchanan's inauguration because they forgot to send a carriage to get him. And while that journalist missed George W. Bush with his shoes in Iraq some years back, an assailant did manage to nail Pierce in D.C. with a hard-boiled egg. You know the drill...go wish him a happy 212th birthday. Lord knows he could use some cheering up.
CHEERS to confronting the bullies among us. We won’t be here on Friday, but we don’t want to forget to mention that November 25 is International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women and Girls. The United Nations provides a little reminder that…
> Violence against women is a human rights violation.
> Violence against women is a consequence of discrimination against women, in law and also in practice, and of persisting inequalities between men and women.
> Violence against women impacts on, and impedes, progress in many areas, including poverty eradication, combating HIV/AIDS, and peace and security.
> Violence against women continues to be a global pandemic.
> Violence against women and girls is not inevitable. Prevention is possible and essential.
Just as pink is worn for breast cancer awareness and purple is worn for LGBT Spirit Day, the U.N. urges everyone to wear and/or display orange between Friday and December 10 to show support for the fight to prevent violence against women. On this site I don’t think that'll be a problem.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Lloyd Grove at The Daily Beast asks: Is the mainstream media normalizing neo-Nazis?
Bigly.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
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CHEERS to headin' down the home stretch. Two events signal the impending demise of the horrible year that was 2016. Monday night we noticed that the constellation Orion was hovering low on the horizon after dark. For the rest of the fall and winter it will be our nightly companion when we take the dog out to go pee. But, more important, late last week Portland set up its official 40-foot-tall Tannenbaum ("Wie treu sind deine Blätter"), which was donated this year by friends of ours who once led our local chapter of PFLAG. If tradition holds---and it does or else it wouldn’t be a tradition---from here on out the rest of the year will be a blur and then...[Blink!]...welcome to 2017. Keep some aloe on-hand for the windburn.
CHEERS to Saving Our Souls. On today's date in 1906, "S-O-S" was adopted at the International Radio Telegraphic Convention in Berlin as a signal that a ship is sinking and the end is near. Today there's an alternative numerical signal that means the same thing: "1-20-17."
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 23, 2006
JEERS to wheezing towards the finish line. ’08 Olympic athletes competing in China may have a new challenge on their hands---breathing:
In one [recent] 24-hour period, the city was enveloped by a dense, dirty gray fog and the air-pollution index hit 414 on a scale that tops out at 500. Authorities consider that level "heavily polluted" and recommended that citizens "avoid outdoor activities."
Instead of a medal, the winners will receive something far more valuable: five extra minutes in the oxygen tent.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Admiral Billeh: Undersea Adventurer. Last year the #1 item on my holiday gift list for Santa was the $4,000 Millennium Falcon bed from Pottery Barn. This year I've got my eye on this baby from SEAmagine. It even has a terlet in it!
Yesterday I called Santa and told him that I believe the $5 million price tag matches the extent to which I've been a good boy this year. The next thing I heard was Mrs. Claus giving him the Heimlich maneuver and then the line went dead. I'll follow up with an email. And probably also ask where the hell my Falcon bed is.
If you're heading over the river and through the woods, safe travels! If not, safe vegging! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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