From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE
Things I Learned from Republicans in November
Fire up your neurotransmitters and download the latest bits of brilliance…
It's acceptable for a leader in law enforcement to break his own law enforcement rules in order to try and destroy a candidate from the other party a week before an election. (FBI Director James Comey)
Homegrown Nazis really, really, really like Republicans. (Nazis for Trump)
Only people with four grandparents born in America should be able to vote... (Ann Coulter)
...and voting should be restricted to white property owners. (Senior Trump adviser Steve Bannon)
Donald Trump won 80 percent of the vote. (American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer)
If you've been sexually abused, just keep your goddamn mouth shut. (Bill O'Reilly)
The Japanese internment camps of the 1940s point to constitutional justification for creating a government registry of all Muslims in America. (Great America PAC spokesman Carl Higbie)
It's time to take jobs out of China and move them where they belong, which is of course Ethiopia. (Ivanka Trump)
The electoral college didn’t put Trump over the finish line. God did. (Michele Bachmann)
Black families were better off in the 1930s. (Pat Robertson)
And of course: the Great Wall of Trump will be built, and Mexico will pay for it...if by “Mexico” you mean “the American taxpayer.” (Rep. Louie Gohmert)
Please update your World Book encyclopedias accordingly.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Note: Amazingly, shockingly, gobsmackingly: there is no "i" in Trump.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the movie Jackie opens: 2
Days 'til the NIH Behavioral and Social Sciences Research Festival in Bethesda, Maryland: 2
Minimum number of countries in which Trump does business, according to The New York Times: 20
States that have adopted the American Bar Association’s ban on sexual relationships between attorneys and their clients: 17
Rise in the price of shares in the Herzfeld Caribbean Basin Fund (CUBA) in the 24 hours after Fidel Castro's death was announced: 10%
Square miles by which the hole in the ozone layer has shrunk since 2000: 1.5 million
Increase in craft beer production between 2011 and 2015, according to the National Brewers Association: 113%
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Mid-week Rapture Index:
187 (including 5 earthquakes and...lots more earthquakes on the way). Soul Protection Factor 16 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Here, have a ball….
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JEERS to those insufferable white working-class Trump voters. Over and over they try to convince us that they had to vote for the most corrupt, corrosive and unqualified candidate in presidential history because America's turning into an awful, terrible hellhole and we're heading in the wrong direction. In the immortal words of Joe Biden---with an assist from the Conference Board---what a bunch of malarkey:
U.S. consumer confidence rebounded this month to the highest level in more than nine years as Americans appeared unfazed by a tumultuous election campaign.
The Conference Board said Tuesday that its consumer confidence index registered 107.1 in November, up from 100.8 last month, highest since July 2007.
Americans’ assessment of current economic conditions was also the sunniest since July 2007. Their expectations for the next six months were the most optimistic since June 2015. The survey was mostly taken before the Nov. 8 election.
I just signed a contract to have my optimism cryogenically frozen on January 20th. Just in case we survive the next four years.
CHEERS to marching orders from our head Keyboard Kommando. I hope you got a chance to read Markos's brutally-direct post yesterday on what Democrats working under the Capitol dome need to do during the Trump years. Namely, take a page from what Republicans normalized during our guy's two terms at the helm:
We are the opposition, we are the resistance. The 2009 through present-era Republicans have written the new rules, and they are: OPPOSE EVERYTHING—even if they might otherwise agree.
So it’s up to Democrats to do NOTHING to legitimize the loser of the popular vote. Absolutely nothing. They oppose, they block, they filibuster, they delay.
Remember all those stupid holds blocking approval of President Barack Obama’s judicial nominees? We do the same. Block everything, block everyone. That includes Trump’s first Supreme Court nominee. Block that guy. Block him for four fucking years if we must. […]
Democrats represent the American majority, and they should behave that way. Always.
Payback's a bitch. What's good for the goose. Dish best served cold. We drink your milkshake. How ‘bout a little fire, scarecrow? Here, let us hold the football for you now, Charlie Brown. Let’s see how they like it. Fearless prediction: be prepared to see the word “Whaaaaa!” a lot.
CHEERS to crossing the finish line (with more than a few gobs of seaweed up our nose). Southerners and East Coasters rejoice! As of today your 2016 Atlantic hurricane season is officially over. And they say this year…
The tropics awoke early and furious in 2016, brewing up January’s Hurricane Alex, sending Hermine to shatter Florida’s unprecedented hurricane drought, and terrorizing coastal communities from Palm Beach County to the Carolinas with Category 4 Matthew. And in the end, Otto reminded everyone why hurricane season lasts through Nov. 30.
“I think this could go down in the record books as one of the longest hurricane seasons,” said Bryan Norcross, a hurricane expert with The Weather Channel, who is also known for walking South Florida through 1992’s Hurricane Andrew. “It is extremely unusual to have Alex so early in the year and have Otto so late in the year.”
The NOAA 2017 hurricane season forecast comes out next May. Other than blizzards, ice storms, tornadoes, nor'easters, mudslides, droughts and Republicans in charge of everything, we're all clear.
CHEERS to bulldogs with brains. Happy 142nd birthday to Sir Winston Churchill. For all his faults, ya gotta admit: he kicked ass against the Crazy Corporal and Il Duce and remains one of the world's most steadfast crisis managers. Speaking of which, here's a li'l message on leadership that our soon to be commander-in-chief might want to pay attention to (and remember, Trump worships Churchill):
"Never, never, never believe any war will be smooth and easy, or that anyone who embarks on the strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter. The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events."
Pay your respects here. And marvel at how some people can smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish, and eat like a pig...and still live to be 91. Neat trick.
JEERS to locking and loading for the holidays. Says here that the FBI was swamped on Black Friday with background-check requests because a record number of shoppers were emptying store shelves of Chia Pets Snuggies guns. But the blood-drenched murder-weapon makers may not be high-fiving too much, because with no Democratic bogeymen to terrorize their paranoid customer base, sales may now start tanking:
The FBI said a record-setting number of gun background checks were processed this Black Friday, a possible indicator of higher firearm sales.
This year the National Instant Criminal Background Check System (NICS) processed 185,713 transactions the day after Thanksgiving, FBI spokesman Stephen Fischer Jr. told NBC News. That breaks the FBI's forecast of approximately 180,000 and the previous record of 185,345, an increase of .2 percent, set during last year's Black Friday. [...]
The modest bumpup this year is a bright spot for the gun industry. After a runup in sales the week before the election, major gun-makers saw their stocks dive by double-digits. Predictions of a Hillary Clinton had driven stockpiling by customers who feared increased gun restrictions under her administration.
As a public service, C&J has a helpful tip for Santa when he goes about his business in 26 days: swap out the fur suit for Kevlar.
JEERS to unhappy words. On the heels of the Oxford Dictionaries' depressing choice of "post-truth" as its word of the year, Dictionary.com has announced a similar downer this year:
This year, some of the most prominent news stories have centered around fear of the “other.”
Fear is an adaptive part of human evolutionary history and often influences behaviors and perceptions on a subconscious level. However, this particular year saw fear rise to the surface of cultural discourse. Because our users’ interest in this overarching theme emerges so starkly for one specific word in our trending lookup data, xenophobia is Dictionary.com’s 2016 Word of the Year.
The word means "fear or hatred of foreigners, people from different cultures, or strangers," and is not to be confused with "Xenaphobia," which is an intense and irrational fear of warrior princesses.
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 30, 2006
JEERS to the sound of silence. Newt Gingrich says that the only way we might be able to fight terrorists in the future is to clamp down on our freedom of speech. I wonder what that would be like. Tell ya what, Newt, why don’t you show us the way by shutting your pie-hole for, say, the next twenty years?
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And just one more…
CHEERS to "The true father of our national literature." That's how H.L. Mencken described the force of nature that was Samuel Langhorne Clemens, aka Mark Twain. If ever there was a person whose bullshit detector went to 11, it was him. Also in his corner: he was anti-slavery, pro-women's rights, clear-eyed about religion, and a supporter of labor unions. Damn funny, too. His zingers are endless---here's a few:
“The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.”
“Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.”
“What, sir, would the people of this earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir.”
“One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.”
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”
“Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.”
“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”
Today is Twain's 181st birthday. Pay your respects here. And then donate a few copies of Huck Finn to your local library…just to piss off the book-ban-happy wingers.
Have a cantankerous Wednesday. And keep your eye on House Democrats this morning as they take a secret ballot to pick our next minority leader. Will Nancy Pelosi hold on, or will upstart Tim Ryan of Ohio succeed in his revolution? We’ll find out soon. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
“If you look at the disciples that Jesus chose, they were all Bill in Portland Maine. Every one of them were Bill in Portland Maines.”
---Rick Joyner
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