As Guns-and-Roses would say, “Welcome to the jungle, we got fun and games”. The Republican primary season is in full out War of the Worlds mode. Anybody who has spent any time (unfortunately) listening to the Republicans on the stump, or suffered through the Thunderdomes of the GOP debates can easily become confused. I understand completely. I’m retired, but not brain dead. I listen to this drivel on a daily basis so that I can create a diary and ridicule it for you. But at times it seems like the Republicans are speaking in tongues out there. Guess what? They are! Along with the creation of dog whistles, nudges, winks, catch phrases, secret decoder rings and all the other paraphernalia, the Republicans have created their own language. But fear not dear reader, that’s what I’m here for. I have pored over texts, both current and ancient (i.e. making this shit up, but it sounds accurate), and have been able to decipher some of the lingo. And now I present it to you for your education and increasing comprehension. To quote the late, great Jackie Gleason, “And heeEEEEere we go!”.
Human Climate Change — Turning up or down the thermostat in your hotel room or mansion.
Equal pay for equal work — Being sure that you make at least as much as the other guys in your foursome at the Trump Doral Country Club.
Family values — The values your religion and society says you should have, not to be mistaken with your own personal values and habits.
Mass Transit — Fitting the entire family into your stretch limousine.
Infrastructure — The bank routing numbers for your Cayman Island offshore bank accounts.
He lies — I don’t have an answer to his last statement or accusation.
He sweats — Under 110 degree stage lighting he is not a lizard.
Make America great again — Pick a time in history that you thought America was great, and I’ll take us back there again.
Voting rights — People who support me are free to vote. Otherwise, screw you!
Global warming — I won’t need to pack a parka for my next trip to Greenland. What’s the problem here?
Income inequality — What inequality? I inherited or shafted my way to every dollar I earned, the rest of you are low life losers.
Civility in politics — Everybody should just shut the hell UP and listen to me.
You know what they say about guys with small hands — Sorry about your tiny dick Donald. (Sorry about that, had to throw that in there). Although the original context referred to feet.
Fiscal responsibility — Keeping every simoleon of mine that I can, but spending YOU into indentured servitude.
TrusTED — I trust that you won’t look at my previous actions and statements too closely.
This is by no means a Dead Sea Scrolls, my research continues. As I find more translations, I’ll be sure to forward them to you. And if you have any translations you’ve unearthed, please feel free to share them in the comments. Come ON, let’s have some fun with this!
Thanks as always for reading!