Presumptive Republican presidential nominee and wig mannequin come to life Donald Trump has unceremoniously bulldozed over all his fellow Republican opponents. Now he must turn his attention to the general election. Can he pivot from his hard-right bluster and flagrant irrationalities to court the wider set of American voters who are not attracted to gibbering idiots?
To find out, let's check in to see how things are going at today's Trump rally. Give us a taste of his speech, my Twitter-connected friends?
I say that for the cameras, Dear Leader says with a wink strong enough to blow over nearby trees.
Nice country you got there, Japan. Be a shame if anything were to happen to it.
Oh well, I'm sure the rest of it went better.
There you go. He's honing this new kinder, gentler image perfectly. Everyone loves him now, he’s happy to say, except for maybe the penguins. But who cares about the damn penguins?
Oh, and a fly got stuck in Donald Trump's luxurious gilded coif during his speech and couldn't struggle its way back out again. Yes, that too was a thing. It's no Bernie bird, but it's something, right?
Let's all just imagine Republican National Committee head Reince Priebus getting that memo, shall we? "Here's the deal, boss. I'm not saying we're dead meat in the general elections this year. I'm just pointing out that flies are literally landing on our candidate during his rallies."
This is fine, says Reince, before taking another spoonful from his big bowl of breakfast liquor. This is all fine.