Some of us have a complicated relationship with the idea of being “in control” — whether it’s a need to feel that way ourselves, or to exert some control over other people or situations that are making us feel uneasy or off-kilter. When things happen that leave us feeling out of control — like an attempt at behavioral change — it may result in a sort of cascade effect, bleeding into and upsetting our sense of control over other aspects of our lives. It can throw us off balance; make us feel like everything’s falling apart.
We might have been raised with a strict set of rules that we’re still aware of, even if they no longer apply to our lives. Keeping our responses to things under tight control might be second nature, something we’re not even aware that we’re doing most of the time. Or we might’ve had too few rules or too little guidance growing up, leaving us feeling adrift and craving structure and stability instead of the universe’s default setting of “random chaos.” We might’ve developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms. We might even have developed into a bit of a Control Freak as a result (not that there’s anything wrong that, says the Control Freak). In either case, our reactions to losing control of ourselves or our situations (even a little bit; even if it’s just temporary) can be very unsettling and may trigger an impulse to impose order and control over the situation no matter what.
Addictive personalities tend to struggle with concepts (real or imaginary) surrounding self-control or “willpower” (you know, the stuff that would stop us from doing whatever thing we don’t want to be doing, if we only had enough of it). We think we should have more of it; we beat ourselves up if we aren’t able to muster up enough of it. This feeling is often accompanied by the sense that if we just tried a little bit harder, we’d be able to control what’s going on. But that kind of thinking is doomed to fail, at least on some counts.
This isn’t to say that we’re powerless, or not in control of our lives or anything that happens to us as we go about living it. Quite the contrary, in fact. But it’s tricky, because we need to learn how to separate out what is actually in our control from all the stuff we can’t do much about.
Despite what your Control Freak or Order-Craving inner voice might be telling you, you can’t control everything. Let me repeat that: YOU CAN’T CONTROL EVERYTHING.
Who’s Your Little GUS Buddy?
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