(This advance copy of the RNC schedule was delivered in a plain manila envelope with no return address.)
. . 2016 REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION SCHEDULE OF EVENTS . .
Monday, July 18 2016
- 2:00 P.M. Call to order by RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, if available
- Video, "Donald J. Trump: Working Class Hero"
- 5:45 p.m. Announcement of Recess
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
- 2:00 p.m. Convention convenes
- Call to Order; Thwacking, Handcuffing, and Removal of Demonstrators
- Color Guard by National Rifle Association Paramilitary Brigade
- Emergency medical aid for accidental shooting by Color Guard
- Pledge of Allegiance by George Zimmerman
- National Anthem by the Fort Wayne Straight Men’s Chorus
- Opening Imprecation by Senator David Perdue
- Welcoming remarks by RNC Chair Reince Priebus or other speaker TBA
- Procedural stuff, yadda yadda
- Infomercial Video: “Trumptastic Herbal Male Enhancement”
- Parade of Republican Congressional Candidates, in absentia
- “ “ “ Senate “ “ “
- Roll Call for Nomination, President of the United States
- Floor Scuffle, SWAT Team, Arrests
- Roll Call for Nomination, Vice President of the United States
- Half-Time Show: “Trump On Ice”
- Triumphal Entry of President-to-Be Trump, flanked by Trump Praetorian Guard and Former Miss Universes on Elephant Palanquins
- Gracious Acceptance Speech by Donald J. Trump
- Benediction and Anti-Gay Tirade by the Late Reverend Fred Phelps
- 11:30 p.m. Adjournment
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
- 6:00 p.m. Convention convenes, Call to order
- Presentation of Confederate Colors by the Knights of the Lily-White Camellia
- Pledge of Allegiance by Former Governor Sarah Palin w/Teleprompter
- National Anthem by a 1952 Recording of Tennessee Ernie Ford
- Rambling, Incoherent Invocation by Dr. Ben Carson, MD
- Address to the Chair, by Clint Eastwood
- Chalk Talk on Nativist Issues by Joe the Plumber
- Fanfare and Procession of Trophy Wives
- Ceremonial Entry of President-to-Be Donald J. Trump with Future First Lady Melania in Golden Sedan Chairs Borne by Oiled Bodybuilders in Egyptian Garb
- Video and Remarks by Melania Trump: "Out of Cleavage, Unity"
- Obsequious Remarks by the Vice-Presidential Nominee
- Keynote Address by Future President Donald J. Trump
- Closing Imprecation and Prophetic Utterances in an Unknown Tongue by Senator Perdue
- 11:30 p.m. Adjournment
Thursday, July 21, 2016
- 7:00 p.m. Convention convenes, Call to order
- Presentation of Colors by Mar-A-Lago Resort Employees
- Pledge of Allegiance by Mar-A-Lago Resort Employees
- National Anthem by Mar-A-Lago Resort Employee[s]
- Invocation of Chapter 11 by RNC
- Infomercial: “The Exotic World of Trump Mar-A-Lago Resort,” accompanied by “A Medley of Trump Wines and Canapes” served by Governor Chris Christie (NJ) and Mar-A-Lago Resort Employees
- Maori War Dance by Governor Christie and Mar-A-Lago Resort Employees
- Pre-Season State of the Union Address by Virtual President Donald J. Trump
- Benediction by Chaplain, Mar-A-Lago Resort
- 11:00 p.m. Convention adjourned by Ace Smolinsky, Food & Beverage Manager, Mar-A-Lago Resort