After much subterfuge, bribery and swashbuckling (okay, mostly bribery, these are Republicans we’re talking about), I have obtained the schedule for the upcoming Republican convention!
But first, a word from our sponsor!
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Monday:
Medley of “God Bless America” and “America the Beautiful,” replacing the word “America” with “Donald Trump.”
Donald Trump talks about how great he is.
Sarah Palin talks about how great Trump is. At least, we assume that’s what she talked about — with her, it’s hard to tell.
Swimsuit competition.
Hillary pinata. Trey Gowdy leads crowd in chant of “BENGHAZI! BENGHAZI!!! BENGHAZI!!!” Eventually Ma and Pa Malfoy take him by the ear and lead him offstage.
#Nevertrump faction attempts to lure Trump delegates out of the facility by promising free Bitcoins and Trump steaks. Thwarted when the Trump people distract the “family values” faction with gay escorts.
Tuesday:
Donald Trump talks about how great he is.
Ben...Carson….talks….about….how….great….Donald….Trump….is.
After finishing his speech, Carson just stands there for 15 minutes until Trump has Chris Christie physically carry him offstage.
Melania Trump talks about how great Donald Trump is.
Evening gown competition.
Newt Gingrich reminds the crowd of the most important reason to vote against the Clintons: the Sanctity of Marriage! Newt is pelted unconscious with rotten tomatoes thrown by his ex-wives.
#Nevertrump faction tries to scare Trump delegates into leaving by spreading rumor that a transgender person might have thought about touching the doorknob to the restroom. Thwarted by announcement of proposed new voter-fraud legislation: in order to prove illiteracy, voters must explain a Sarah Palin speech. Palin spends the rest of the evening verbing nouns adverbially until the gerund has everyone in adjective despair.
Wednesday:
Donald Trump talks about how great Donald Trump is.
Megyn Kelly talks about how great Donald Trump is. She stresses several times that he is not holding her children hostage in a secret dungeon underneath Trump Tower, and that Trump did not write her speech for her. Speech includes multiple uses of terms like “yuuuge,” “just the greatest,” “the worst,” and “believe me.”
Hand-measuring competition.
#Nevertrump people try to get rid of Trump delegates by forcing them to socialize with Ted Cruz. Thwarted when they all keel over with nausea and migraines, with no medical help available since they all refused to get health insurance under Obamacare.
Thursday:
Donald Trump talks about how great Donald Trump is.
John Miller talks about how great Donald Trump is.
Talent competition (cancelled, no one entered).
Reading of Republican Platform: “Make America, straight, white, male, Evangelical, and super-duper great again, via tax cuts and banning gay abortions.”
Announcement of running mate: Zombie Nixon.
#Nevertrump people try to release bootleg copy of Trump’s tax returns. Thwarted when Trump delegates use the pages to build a wall, and Mexico refuses to pay for it.
Friday:
Convention is over, balloons swept up, unsold hats used for packing material….and Trump’s still standing there talking about how great he is.
On to Top Comments!
From your friendly (if antisocial) diarist:
In Hunter’s diary Anonymous Republican pledges $5 million donation if Trump releases his tax returns, Timaeus flagged (sorry, highlighted) this comment from Dave G.
In Jim Keady’s diary A White Man’s experience of black lives NOT mattering, ZenTrainer highlighted this comment from BeadLady.
And in another Hunter diary, Trump’s newest claim: ‘Somebody called for a moment of silence for the Dallas murderer,” we have an excellent suggestion from Blue Aardvark — but alas, it’ll never happen.
In the same diary, kaleidescope shares another story of this mysterious “somebody.”
Top mojo, courtesy of mik:
Picture quilt, courtesy of jotter: