Dr. Ben Carson, renowned neurosurgeon and professor emeritus at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, will be a featured speaker at the Republican National Convention later this month.
Dr. Carson is widely respected for discovering that the ancient Egyptian pyramids were used for grain storage. An earlier theory that the pyramids were tombs for Egyptian pharaohs has now been widely discredited.
Dr. Carson earned additional acclaim for pointing out that the Affordable Care Act is as bad for African Americans as was slavery.
In March of this year, Dr. Carson stated that Donald Trump is a “thinking individual” and a “person who considers things carefully.” (Independent researchers so far have been unable to find evidence to confirm these hypotheses.)
Unconfirmed reports say his speech will present his views that the My Lai massacre was a good thing, and that local police departments should be equipped with tactical nuclear weapons.
The tentative RNC schedule shows that Dr. Carson is actually slated for three appearances at the Convention. The second speech will be to explain what he meant during his first speech. The third will be a press conference to explain how the media have taken his statements out of context, and that the outrage over his remarks is just a result of political correctness.
In related news, the Egyptian Agriculture Ministry reports that because of a disappointing grain harvest, the pyramids are now only about half full. In addition, Johns Hopkins School of Medicine released a press release reminding the public that Dr. Carson retired a long time ago.