I did two previous posts making fun of the Donald.
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By now everybody must be familiar with Trump’s stand on foreigners coming into the United States. Here’s the famous statement he issued:
“Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country's representatives can figure out what is going on.”
That is how Donald plans to keep us safe and keep all these immigrants from taking our jobs. Like every politician he keeps some cards up his sleeve, however. He says he’s going to stop foreigners from stealing jobs. If someone here wants to give them away that’s a whole different story. For example:
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There will be an exception for hotel service workers, ones that are looking for maid and janitor positions and other low-end jobs at expensive resorts run by billionaires. Must be willing to move to Florida.
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There will be another exception for H1B visas. Those are the ones for doctors, scientists and computer experts, all the high-end jobs. Must be willing to sign statements praising Trump University.
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There will be another exception for Chinese bankers, the ones who are secretly buying up all our businesses and taking control of the country behind our backs. Must be willing to rent space in Trump-owned office buildings.
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And there will be another exception for young foreign models, but only if they are tens. Nine-and-a-half won’t do. Must be single and willing to date and possibly marry older men who are billionaires.
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So here’s the full, unedited statement:
“Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims and immigrants entering the United States, except for desperate service workers who will do every kind of scut work at fancy resorts for rich people, and except for smart people who are wanting to take all our best jobs and do them for less money, and except for Chinese super bankers looking to take over our country and who don’t mind paying the highest rents at our most expensive office buildings, and except for hot babes, the hottest babes, Miss Universe level and above, who are looking for American sugar daddies . . . . until our country's representatives can figure out what is going on.”
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In related news the APA issued a statement recently:
“The American Psychiatric Association is calling for a total and complete shutdown of any Trumps entering the White House until qualified experts can figure out what in heaven’s name is rattling around inside that empty skull of his. It doesn’t seem to be brains.”
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About Donald’s promise to bring back winning to America – there may be some delays on that. He still hasn’t settled the intellectual property lawsuit with Charlie Sheen. His lawyers say what’s holding things up is a dispute over the vice presidential position. Charlie refuses to accept it.
“I’ve got my reputation to consider,“ said Sheen. “Just give me the money and forget the promises. And no diamonds.”
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After hearing the stories about all the fake diamonds Trump has been giving away, I did some research. According to FTC standards heavy gold plating is one thousandth of an inch thick. In actual practice the coating can be thicker or thinner, of course, but that is the standard. By comparison the average human hair is four thousandths of an inch thick.
Which makes me wonder. If you got a chance to scratch one of those gold nameplates on a Trump building what would you find underneath?
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Trump refuses to release his tax returns or anything that would prove his true net worth. That makes me think of a story I heard in church when I was a kid. The preacher was describing how as a young man of no means he used to be envious of the older working men.
“They would stand around downtown with their hands in their pockets jingling their loose change, showing off how much spending money they had. When I finally got a little money of my own my first stop was the hardware store. I bought a cheap package of metal washers. The next thing you know I was standing around with all the other guys jingling the ‘loose change’ in my own pockets.”
So what’s in your pockets, Donald?
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Donald actually got held up once. He was at a black tie event that got hit by masked bandits. As the robbers were going around the room Trump said to the guy next to him, “Quick, loan me every cent you’ve got. I’ll take everything you have on you.”
The friend was puzzled but complied. “You know these robbers are going to take it all away, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I know, but I figure they’ll be spreading this story around. I want everybody to think I’m richer than I really am.”
By the way, the friend is still waiting to be repaid.
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Trump’s been having some fundraising difficulties lately. That's why he put out the following ad:
Fire Sale on Trump campaign caps, only 3 dollars each. Five dollars if you want the MADE IN CHINA labels removed.
(Removing labels takes extra trouble, you know. Immigrants may work cheap but they don't work free. You still have to pay them something.)
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Sometimes you have to feel sorry for the Donald. Even when’s he’s really trying he can’t get it right. For example he recently came out against the ‘tampon tax.’
“I think every woman should be able to get those disgusting things they use whenever they’re doing that disgusting bleeding they do out of wherever it is. Just don’t tell me the details, ladies. It’s disgusting and I don’t want to hear about it.”
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Perhaps you heard Trump’s June 22 speech where he called Hillary Clinton “the most corrupt person ever to seek the presidency”, a "world class liar" who had "perfected the politics of profit and even theft. She gets rich making you poor.”
Immediately after the speech a man in Rhode Island named Donald Trumm was struck by lightning.
“Blast it,” said God. “Where did I get these new glasses from? Next time let’s try somebody else.”
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The worst was the “She gets rich making you poor” line. That is literally how Donald made his own fortune. Trump casinos, anyone? Reminds me of the old Peter Sellers bit: “Open your wallets and repeat after me – Help yourself! – Thank you, I will.”
That could easily be Donald’s entire mission statement.
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Trump says he believes in excellence, that he and his ideas meet the highest standards. But what kind of standards is he talking about?
Here's an example. Take a look at the test he proposes for Muslims trying to enter America illegally, as explained by Donald himself:
"Are you a Muslim?"
"No."
"Okay you can enter."
That's the kind of standard he goes by. And the Trump University graduates wonder why they are having so much trouble finding jobs.
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If you are planning to vote for Trump in November you’ll find a little surprise when you get to the polling booth. On the ballot next to Trump’s name there will be an extra item:
I hereby declare that Donald J Trump was the greatest President the United States ever had.
You’ll have to check that box first before you can vote for him. Trump University graduates will be excused, of course.
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Did you see the speech where Trump demonstrated how to start an aircraft carrier by turning the key in the ignition? If you thought he was kidding there’s an item in his military rearmament plan for 3,000 sets of jumper cables. They are to be issued to every ship in the Navy, Coast Guard and Merchant Marine, just in case they stall somewhere in the middle of the ocean.
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When asked if he was going to put jumper cables on planes he answered:
“Of course not, that’s a stupid idea. I’m going to give every plane a hundred-foot long rope. If they run out of gas or something they can let the rope down to the runway and have the ground crew pull them in.”
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Donald Trump is to presidents what Primo Carnera is to boxers.
(I know, I know, it's an obscure reference. But if you care to take the trouble to look it up you'll see that the analogy is appropriate, and you can learn a little about sports history while you are at it.
en.wikipedia.org/...)
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You probably heard how Trump promised to abolish gun-free zones. You may not have heard how some of his more gullible supporters took him at his word. They tried to march into a rally with their legally purchased and licensed weapons slung over their shoulders. Donald’s security men quickly turned their faces into tooth-free zones. They won’t be cheering Trump for awhile. They won’t be cheering anything for awhile.
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Everybody raise your right hand:
I pledge allegiance to the yacht pennant of Donald Trump of Mar-a-Lago
And to the plutocracy for which he stands
One brand name, bigger than God, indefensible
With liberty and justice for whoever the hell I say gets liberty and justice.
“Let me explain how things work. I’m the leader, you’re the followers. I do the talking, you do the listening, and you better not miss a word unless you want one of my security men to punch you in the face and carry you out of here. Welcome to Trump’s world, America.”
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Once again it’s getting too serious. Let’s pick it up again later.