From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
“Kissimmee, Florida: Thursday Night”---A Play in One Stupid Act
Donald Trump at rally: President Obama is the actual, literal founder of ISIS!
Crowd: Yeah! He's the founder of ISIS! Impeach! Impeach!
Trump: Taxes in America are the highest taxes of anyplace in the world, I can tell you!
Crowd: Yeah! Totally correct! Highest in the world, thanks to Obama and crooked Hillary!
Trump: I watched as hundreds and thousands of Muslims celebrated from New Jersey as the World Trade Center towers came down on 9/11. Saw it with my own eyes.
Crowd: Yes! We believe you! That's how 'those people' are! Ban them from the country until we figure out what's going on!
Trump: And don’t forget that Mexico is sending only its criminals and rapists to America!
Crowd: Nothing false about that statement at all! Country's going to hell!
Trump: My border wall will be totally paid for by Mexico!
Crowd: To suggest otherwise would be ridiculous!
Trump: Obama has made our military weak…so weak. As weak as it's ever been, believe me.
Crowd: Sean Hannity agrees, so we agree!
Trump: And why hasn’t he produced his birth certificate? What nationality is he hiding?
Crowd: The president is from Kenya! Wake up, America!
Trump: Everything the media has ever said about me is a lie!
Crowd: Total lie! Lamestream media liars!
Trump: This election is already totally rigged by Hillary Clinton and the media.
Crowd: Your word is proof! Lock her up! Lock her up!
Trump: By the way, there's no place to be that’s better than a Friday night in Florida at a Trump rally. No better place, believe me.
Crowd: No, no! That's false! You’re wrong! It's Thursday!
Trump: I can’t slip anything past you guys. You people are the greatest American fact checkers, let me tell you.
Crowd: Wooooo yeah!!!
[Curtain]
I’d like my Tony Award in chocolate, please. Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, August 16, 2016
Note: It's National Rum Day. If you need me today I'll be in my Tiki hut with my good buddy Bacardi 151. Because the only rum worth having over for company is the kind you can light on fire.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Apple unveils the new iPhone 7 and iPhone 7 Plus: 22
Days 'til the Sacramento Banana Festival: 4
Number of family reunions each year according to Parade: 200,000
Portion of family reunions that happen in the summer: 2/3
Expected year of Britain's exit from the European Union, seeing as their new government can't seem to get their shit together: 2019
Number of Olympic medals Simone Biles has won, 3 of them gold: 4
Amount of time Fox News has devoted to the national bombshell story about sexual harassment allegations that got longtime Fox News CEO Roger Ailes booted: 11 minutes
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Team USA Olympic Medal Count
Gold 26 Silver 23 Bronze 26
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
Let's see how well the “relatively sane” Instapundit commenters are playing together these days:
"It's a shame that Instapundit has become a ghetto for Ted Cruz wacko diehards, clinging to their dreams like WWII Japanese soldiers in 1965 refusing to surrender on some forgotten-about island. Hey, I've got it, how 'bout more links to Glenn Beck articles ranting about The Chosen One?"
"LMAO... Keep telling yourself that. It will make you feel better in your gushy parts when Trump loses YUGE!! You will need all the conspiracy theories possible to swallow that one."
"Trump got 14 million votes in a 17 person primary. That's an All-time Record for a republican candidate. the base loves trump don't exaggerate the importance of a few losers: The few, but loud, the never trumpers."
"Go fluff Putin, commie."
All together now: 1…2…3…Pie fight!
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Puppy Pic of the Day:
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CHEERS to a man in his element. Joe Biden + campaigning + Scranton = pure Democratic gold. A few quotables from yesterday’s event:
"It's good to be home. Home is where your character is stamped, stamped into your soul...for me that was North Washington Avenue."
On Trump: “He would have loved Stalin.”
“My word as a Biden: no major-party nominee in the history of the United States of America has known less or been less prepared to deal with our national security than Donald Trump. … And what actually amazes me that he doesn't seem to want to learn it.”
"He's trying to tell us he cares about the middle class? Give me a break. It's such a bunch of malarkey. He doesn't have a clue."
“Hillary gets it more than anyone I know. That America can be defined in one single word: possibilities. That’s the America I know and, ladies and gentlemen, that’s the America Hillary Clinton knows.”
"What Hillary’s all about is making sure every one of you can look your child in the eye and say…everything is gonna be ok.”
"Hillary Clinton is going to write the next chapter in American history."
Three words: Secretary of State.
P.S. Biden at bat. Adorbs:
JEERS to the worst pivoter in the world. The Trump campaign's week got off to a great start yesterday. Let us count the ways:
1) His campaign manager Paul Manafort got caught with his hands in Putin's ruble jar.
2) He's sucking wind with Millennial voters: 20 percent versus 56% for Hillary.
3) His surrogate Rudy Giuliani, who is one of the official "adults" who accompanies Trump at certain stops to make sure the candidate stays on-message, said: "Under those eight years before Obama came along, we didn't have any successful radical Islamic terrorist attack in the United States."
4) Official Trump spokesperson Katrina Pierson claimed that “Voters want someone that’s going to fight back because they are tired of seeing left-wing reporters literally beat Trump supporters into submission into supporting policies they don’t agree with.”
5) Trump's big policy idea during his speech in Youngstown, Ohio draws equal parts horror and gut-busting laughter: an “extreme” ideological purity test for immigrants that would include---this is true---belief that LGBT people deserve equal protection under the law. (Disclaimer: But only in other countries.) Not mentioned: how a whole lotta Republicans in America would fail this test.
In the immortal words of I forget who: "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln…"
CHEERS to opting out. Olympic gymnast and American sweetheart Gabby Douglas gave the “Don’t Tread On Me” pearl-clutchers the vapors last week when she didn't put her hand over her heart during the playing of the National Anthem after her team’s gold-medal win. There’s a lesson here, kids:
Or, to translate that into language Gabby’s critics can understand: Og! Og og og! Og!
JEERS to exiting too soon. On August 16, 1977, while sitting on his golden throne, 42 year-old Elvis Presley's heart ran out of steam and he died at 3:30 p.m. (He was supposed to kick off a concert tour in Portland, Maine the next day.) Of course, this date has special significance for gaffe watchers: during a stop in South Carolina a few years back, Michele Bachmann urged a campaign crowd--all six of them--to join her in wishing The King happy birthday. Someone in the crowd yelled out the truth but she ignored it, of course, since facts are pesky things. Anyway, pay your hunka hunka burnin' respects here, darlin'. Thankyuhvrrrmuch.
JEERS to Billy vs. GoliAPth. (Skip this if you're not into the finer points of punctuation.) I winced last week when I saw the bolded part of this sentence in an Associated Press article:
An anti-police brutality group is upset that a Utah prosecutor has ruled that two police officers were justified in shooting and critically wounding a teenage Somali refugee earlier this year.
A Google search tells me that that's the correct way to phrase it. But to me they're saying it's an anti-police group whose primary tactic is brutality. So, at the risk of my life, my fortune (currently $15.76) and sacred honor, I'm going to add what I believe is the necessary second dash so it reads:
An anti-police-brutality group is upset that a Utah prosecutor has ruled that two police officers were justified in shooting and critically wounding a teenage Somali refugee earlier this year.
If I fail to post C&J tomorrow, you'll know that AP did not appreciate my meddling and disappeared me. My last word will be "Rosebud." (And just so there's no mystery: it's the name of my candy corn dispenser.)
CHEERS to riding the rails. 118 years ago today, in 1898, Edwin Prescott patented his design for a "roller coaster." It was followed the next day by a patent for "Ye Olde Hurling Bucket."
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Ten years ago in C&J: August 16, 2006
JEERS to the new GOP recording. "Beep!...The talking point you have reached---Stay...The...Course---is no longer in service. The new talking point is: Adapt...To...Win. Please make a note of it. [Click]" I can feel the insurgents quaking in their bomb-making sheds already.
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And just one more…
JEERS to America's #1 Defeatocrat. Twenty-two years ago this brilliant comment was made and then greeted with sweets and flowers by the speaker's party members and corporate admirers:
“Once you got to Iraq and took it over---took down Saddam Hussein's government---then what are you going to put in its place?
That's a very volatile part of the world, and if you take down the central government of Iraq, you could very easily end up seeing pieces of Iraq fly off. Part of it, the Syrians would like to have to the west. Part of it---eastern Iraq---the Iranians would like to claim; they fought over it for eight years. In the north you've got the Kurds, and if the Kurds spin loose and join with the Kurds in Turkey then you threaten the territorial integrity of Turkey.
It's a quagmire if you go that far and try to take over Iraq.
Barack Obama? John Kerry? Elizabeth Warren? Nope. It was Dick Cheney…in 1994. Dick should've listened to Dick. Bad, Dick, bad.
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"To me, Trump looks like a blonde Bill in Portland Maine."
---Sir Bob Cornelius Rifo
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