Hi everybody,
I was very active during the primary as an advocate for Sanders and had a tough time processing the loss. Essentially, my story is this:
-As a gay man, “moral values” arguments repelled me for all of my 20’s.
-After researching the 2008 crash and searching for words to express what a deep outrage the conscious deliberate transfer of wealth from people like my aunt (raises 8 children with much hardship), any random cashier at convenience store (seems they’re more often than not hollowed in the eyes and soul such that it’s a new normal we don’t even notice), wounded veterans and so forth to some of the smuttiest segments of the upper class (a lot of which is very actively good, but profit/Wall St. culture...) to sate whatever morbid thrill they fancy… There was no other word for this lapsed Catholic former Atheist pro-science guy other than… immoral.
-Realizing I had a moral core despite some resignations to nihilism was a positive awakening. I felt isolated often and only a few voices spoke to me particularly around 2010/2011, one of which was courageous Bernie Sanders. Speaking up for the powerless even when it “cost” him politically, but not so much that he’d jeopardize the very positions that allow him to help people was a light in the darkness.
-I went into 2016 thrilled to vote for Hillary and support her all the way. I was resistant to efforts of those around me urging me to get on board with Bernie. I could’t bear to see “it happen twice” to Hillary cause that was tough in 2008. I supported her then emphatically. Read her bio in grad school on Friday nights at a diner (where they allowed cigarettes, and I’d often indulge, oh the old days :-) ), met her in Scranton, PA’s 2008 St. Patrick’s Day Parade, and so forth.
-I couldn’t believe Bernie was actually winning and despite the fact that I wanted Hillary to win. I saw one of the Feb debates and thought “oh damn, this is REAL.” Made the choice and stuck with it. I pretended to care about her emails. Of course I don’t care about her Goddamned emails but it does bother me a bit that our bulwark against horrific Donald Trump is a woman who seems to have mastered the technicalities of legal modern day bribery. It’s not bribery though if the word “is” doesn’t have a definition. I knew that the race being “over” on March 1 was a sustained perception management offense that purported to be mathematically honest while entirely ignoring the actual math. I know why her team freaked out after Washington and Wisconsin and made the tough choice to go negative. She pulled it together and got the New York win she needed by huge “well outside the margin of potential irregularities” victory and so it was legit over then.
-I was an ass to a few people here. I wasn’t atrocious consistently and I tried to stay positive overall. But I said some things every now and then that were uncharacteristically negative and cruel for me. Apologies to TeacherKen. I felt unwelcome, irrelevant, and cast out and reacted accordingly. The grief I was processing in my personal life is no excuse for acting in a regressed manner.
-I do love the Sanders for Kossacks site and Mahakali Overdrive. She inspired me to get involved in politics in a way I haven’t in years. I empathize with why there is so much hopelessness out there that manifests in different ways, many of which seem indifferent to people who are ACTUALLY STRUGGLING MORE in this country and around the world, when people like me have ALWAYS KNOWN THAT and tried to force an uncomfortable adaptation to that realization. It was pretty annoying to hear suggestions that I was indifferent to the rainbow colored coalition of America’s future when so much of my life history involved difficult studies, journeys of new and profound appreciation for the pain of others, and very small steps to help. Like I skipped my Martin Luther King Day holiday to help paint a run down church in a predominantly African American section of North Philadelphia in 2004 or 2005. And I know that is just a DROP IN THE BUCKET. So I don’t broadcast things like this that I’ve done cause it’s annoying when people do that just to MAKE IT LOOK like they’re more “liberal, enlightened” than they actually are. The work is best when done without need for recognition. I know where I stand on the sliding scales of racism and privilege and I know how real they are. It was really annoying to hear accusations of racism from people who seemed like they never heard the word privilege until it became a buzzword on Twitter in 2014. -BUT- Who the fuck cares. People deal with stuff much more troubling than a minor annoyance I felt from that crap online. I shouldn’t have acted in a way that results in future shame on my part.
-Obviously, I’ve vented and said things in other forums proportionate to how powerless I felt. I had an abusive relationship at one point and then learned how to identify them. My radar consequently is hyper tuned to self-preservation and protection from having our positive traits used against us. -You’re a good person deep down and would never vote for Trump so we can do whatever we want to you- is a really bleak feeling. But not bleak enough to punish people who don’t deserve it, ie the people who would suffer under Trump.
-Trump and Race. I live in Eastern Pennsylvania. My screen name is not indicative of the University of Pennsylvania which uses similar abbreviations but shorthand for my home state which I love. I have lived in 5 different parts of Eastern PA. I traveled a lot to the mid-sized cities (Allentown, Beth, Reading, Hburg, Easton, Pottsville, Bloom, York, Lancaster, Williamsport) for parties, clubs, and dates in my 20’s. I’m originally from Northeast PA so those cities didn’t require actual “travel.” :-) This is the state with the most direct self-contrast I know of. The renowned public interest community of Philadelphia v. the real hotbed of KKK activity near York/Lancaster. I’ve witnessed every point along the sliding scale of both hate/racism and community/love in my life in a way that perhaps only living in Pennsylvania can hammer home with the fullest clarity. Trump to me is more like the demented uncle who is WAAAY too uncensored in his tasteless offhand remarks than someone with deep hate in his heart. That doesn’t make him any more acceptable. The unfortunate fact of the matter is he absolutely believes he is a force of good, a unique force of good, that can “make America great” again, some way somehow, whatever that means. Since he believes it himself, he’s a much dangerous charismatic demagogue. People including a surprising contingent of 2x Obama voters are with him because of how disgusted they are with our leadership that “blowing it up” is better letting rot fester. I don’t share that viewpoint but I know firsthand that this is a bigger motivating factor in Trump’s base than the shallow simplification of “shared xenophobia” the media would have us believe. Nevertheless, because the media has hammered the point home so relentlessly, it is a half-truth that has become a full-truth and his victory would symbolize an total rejection and disenfranchisement of America’s future coalition. This would be soul crushing, easily lead to riots, counterstrikes, and a huge fucking mess (pardon the expletive) right into late November, December, 2017 and beyond. That is not acceptable to me and my disgust with some sleazy campaign tactics in the primary does not begin to compare to that degree of disaster.
-Bernie. I intuit (and am often wrong) that Bernie is relieved he accomplished what he set out to do (which was raise the profile of issues that are harming the former middle and less fortunate “classes”) without having the burden of having to worry about whether he can learn ENOUGH foreign policy in 2 weeks, enough environmental science in 5 days to make these decisions at 74, 75, 76 etc. Not that he isn’t in amazing shape. But who wouldn’t have that private worry about whether they are up to the task. I feel he is at peace with and relieved with the result.
-Hillary. I’ve always loved her. Even when I pretended I didn’t just cause she was standing in Bernie’s way since Bernie moved me on a deeper level. I think her campaign strategy is awful. She’s navigated the most trying waters for decades and will be the first woman president in U.S. History. And the campaign premise is “Yes, I suck.” No Hillary, you don’t suck. “But… but… the this other demented dry drunk reckless demagogue sucks more.” Say what!? Huh!? Hello, that should go without saying? Hillary is fucking inspirational in so many challenging and thrilling ways; I wish she had a campaign team with the courage to make a more boldly positive statement. “People have sometimes implied that I am not ‘honest’ or ‘truthful’ well let me tell you something. Have you ever heard of confidentiality? Or discretion? Do you think that you deal with hostile powers by laying -all- of your cards out on the table on day one? No. Navigating the challenges of this century requires the toughest of choices and not only am I not ashamed of the balancing I have done to help realize this country into something that fulfills its promise and potential, but I am PROUD to have been your public servant and made these TOUGH choices on our behalf." Would love a deftly edited version of these ideas to really come out at a debate.
-#BernieOrBust. I understand it comes from disillusionment and pain not really hate and desire to harm. If people want to protest vote for Jill Stein or abstain in Nebraska, Massachusetts, California, etc. I see no reason to take issue with them expressing their grievance in a way that causes no tangible harm. In fact, it’s probably a positive thing--to make sure the former middle class and lower cannot be abused so easily in the future (and sorry fellow privileged guys/gals but the “stock market” recovering is not the same thing as 85% of the lives in this country being restored. Saying things are okay when they’re clearly not for so many people is aloof at best and deceitful at worst. It’s a huge turnoff that drives people right to Trump. There was a line from Bioshock, a didactic game that explored Ayn Rand’s philosophies taken to their ultimate extreme, where the villain, a demagogue explained in simplest terms that if you make a person feel they are “worth” something, they’ll do anything you want/command).
Pennsylvanians, Ohioans, Virginians, Floridians, Iowans, NH, etc. we all have a greater responsibility though. Particularly PA, I sense. Things are rosy now but if heaven forbid that 5 point lead should go to 4 in September, 3 in late September, 1.5 by mid October… I have this nightmare about a Pennsylvania recount. And it’s clear from so many analyses including (somewhat discredited but still intelligent) Nate Silver that if it all goes down like that, Pennsylvania probably will be where it all happens.
I’m going into this election now with a positive outlook. I’m not necessarily thrilled with how Daily Kos handled the primary and I am generally an election season and world events tourist here. My primary news sources are elsewhere and it’s obviously not the consummate locus of all things Democratic that it was when George Bush won reelection.
I may not have time to garden this diary much, but I felt compelled to get this out of my system, cause the primary has resulted in some cognitive dissonance. I feel more clearheaded and mature now. I really want her to win.
Thank you for indulging my semi-stream of consciousness thoughts today. I wish everyone well.
Sincerely,
Brian