NQaLF NQZ report - Sept. 8, 2016
by Brian Spyan
In a hastily convened press conference the candidate sat mostly silent, trusting Jon Stark, his campaign manager, to answer all questions. Although I arrived dead last behind AP, Reuters, all the major news media, I was still able to work my way up to the front row. My recorder died, so the following is condensed from memory and barely legible notes scribbled on my arm. My apologies to the questioners for not naming you personally.
Q: Did you enter this race simply to mock Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton? NBC
A: “It wishes to stay above the petty bickering and name calling that has characterized this election cycle from the start. The American people should expect a civil and meaningful debate on the issues. Democracy relies on voters being well informed on the positions, ideology and motivations of the candidates. ”
Q: Why do you think you are better than Trump? Reuters
A: “It has never been so much as accused of any crimes, shady deals or con games, let alone indicted and sued. It’s involvement in construction is not marred by a long record of lawsuits by unpaid contractors and investors left holding the bag when projects went sour. It humbly and diligently supported every structure it was ever a part of. When contrasted against the virtually nonstop credit grabbing boasts Mr. Trump is famous for, there’s no room for doubt about who is better suited to run this great nation.”
Q: How would you handle the Middle East crisis, Putin, illegal immigration? Chicago Tribune
A: ”A brick to the head has always worked well for the candidate. It has sometimes been called into action, dilivering clear, unequivicated messages thru windows. And if the American People do actually decide they want a wall on the southern border, this candidate can offer far more than vague pie-in-the-sky promises.”
Q: Your campaign slogan says ‘not Hillary’ but referes to Donald Trump by his surname. That could be construed as a slight against Mrs. Clinton and women in general. What is your position on gender equality, equal pay legislation, abortion, etc.? ABC
A: ”The candidate has always been gender nuetral, 100% equal rights...” (Mr. Stark leans over to consult in whispers with The Brick. I’m not sure, but I think I may have heard something from the candidate.) “Even in this age of complex gender identity, All residents of this country should not have to consider this at all when persuing their employment and any interactions with the government. This is one of the cornerstones of America. However imperfectly enacted in it’s history, we should all work to make it so. The candidate will consider this in all decisions, no matter how big or small.
Q: Hillary Clinton has secretly been against bricks for her entire public career. Her anti-brick stance is well documented. Why dont you align yourself with the Trump campaign since Trump has created more jobs for bricks than probably anybody else on Earth? Fox (pretty sure it was Bill O’Rielly)
A: (another lean-in with The Brick) ”The Brick says you made all that up. You should slink out of here quickly and rethink your position in this world. That goes for you personally as well as the entire Fox ‘news’ organization. “
Q: I like what I’m hearing so far. You have clearly established that you ar better than Trump, but why do you believe you’d be a better president than Hillary Clinton? CBS
A: “The candidate will not enter office with a 1,000 ft. wall of Republican opposition blocking his agenda. Its initiatives will not carry the philosophical and historical baggage of party labels that always drag the best ideas down to oblivion. Republicans, Democrats and independents will be free to consider them for their merits, thus leading the country to a new age of prosperity and happiness.”
Q: Its mid September already. Why did you wait so long? AP
A: “The Brick entered this race specificly due to the fact that things had degenerated so far that its own existence was imperilled by the rise of stupidity as a political force. Yes, even a common brick feels the situation has gotten so bad that its near zero personal requirements as a resident of this country were not being met. With Trump having a credible path to the Whitehouse, the chances of being broken in half or completely crushed was unacceptable.”
— I ran out of arm space soon after that, but it was nearly over anyway. A few questions about The Bricks eligibility and history came up (over 35 years old, made in Texas, resident of Williams Park Illinois, served in the army in engineering, saw action as a hurled projectile in Desert Storm).
All things considered, I am impressed. The campaign slogan is 100% accurate. The Brick comes across as an earnest, concerned citizen who is stepping up for all the right reasons. If elected, I believe it will do its level best for our country.