I met Robin in the waiting room at the Denver hospital. She has just finished an infusion, and i was waiting whilst my friend Maise was in with the doctor. I’ve been accompanying Maise to appointments for a while. Noticing my yarmulke, she told me about a wonderful Kosher deli near the hospital that had a dozen kinds of kugel(!), and would we join her for a nosh? We did. What a delightful and delicious introduction.
Both had/have multiple sclerosis. Progressive forms of the disease. The prognosis for Robin was complete paralyzation accompanied by near constant pain. And emotional trauma. At the time, she was 31. No family aside from a nice but emotionally distant father. A little savings and no ability to work,..the neurological implications made even sedentary work impossible. Her Masters degree would not be helpful when her remaining and dwindling funds dried up, and medicaid and poverty set-in. She was in great pain. And in great fear.
After a correspondence of close to a year, she wanted to visit my town of 2000 year-rounders, three hours south, ..it being known for having 38 spiritual centers, of different paths and lineages, all harmonious with each other, under the largest cluster of 14,000 ft peaks in the country. She no longer could go trekking through Bhutan, Nepal and Tibet..but she could meet the indigenous of those countries here and learn the practices of their lineages. To help with those inner questions that her condition brought to the surface. By then, which i was unaware..she had planned to die before the disease made it impossible for her to follow through and act on her wishes.
In the United States, there are five states that have death with dignity laws. California, Oregon, Washington, Vermont, and my own, Colorado. But..you must have a terminal illness..six months to live. Diseases like M.S...well, they’re terminal without being terminal. One can live for years, in pain and paralyzed. Hence, alas, not terminal under the laws of the land.
After a month here, she moved into my home. I’m a natural care giver, having seen friends, family, and at times mere acquaintances, through physical and emotional hardships. I had the inclination and experience. My home has a lot of room for the coming necessity of a wheelchair, and a ramp was acquired. For 10 months. We went through the trials and tribulations of this form of combat. She communed with Maise, a kindred soul also afflicted. We frequented the many Stupas, Ashrams, Ziggurats, Lodges, Sanghas, Zendos, and Centers of my community. We often visited the Great Sand Dunes that can be seen from the windows 12 miles south. Bucket List trips to Yosemite, Grand Canyon, etc. Multiple trips to the wolf sanctuary in Ramah, N.M. She loved the wolves. No hunting is allowed anywhere near our vast area, so the deer, antelope and elk are plentiful and daily visitors to my land. And their life gave Robin much solace. All animals gave her peace. She switched over to my vegetarian diet, and one-upped it by eating almost a raw food diet. That really deescalated the pain, thankfully..but not the progression. It was so advanced. And we talked..at times of her decision.
There are three countries in the western world that will assist with the difficult decision of dying with dignity. Belgium, the Netherlands and Switzerland. With medical proof, all three will help assist one to die if one has a serious but non terminal illness. All three will help any person over the age of 85 die..even if they are healthy of mind and body. All three will, in many cases, help the physically healthy partner of an ill patient also die(!!!),..to die alongside their loved one if their grief is inconsolable. Belgium and the Netherlands will help one with a mental illness die. Switzerland will do so only if the mental illness is caused by the disease in question..for example, depression or a neurological disorder. Belgium will only assist those from Belgium. Netherlands, from residents of the Netherlands. Only Switzerland will take foreigners from any country, due to a law regarding civil liberties and civil rights, that has been in place there since 1942. Dignitas and Life Circle being just two of these Swiss organizations. Euthanasia, which is where a lethal injection is administered by a physician, is legal only in Belgium and the Netherlands...whereas Switzerland only permits assisted suicide, i.e. giving the patient the liquid medication for them to take themselves. In America, in those five states, for those terminal..it is also assisted suicide. Usually a powder that dissolves in water, given to the patient to take home to be taken at their own choosing.
Robin sent her medical records to one such organization, and after being accepted, she became a member. She sent in her deposit. The knowledge that she was accepted really put her at ease. She really thought this though. She loved life. But she didn’t want to live in the circumstances that were soon to await her. She met many that were in that condition...and the thought made her visibly shudder.
There were some that thought she should live with her pain. That she shouldn’t have a choice. To her face. To those, she said...and pardon for the bluntness,
“ Soon i will be completely paralyzed, and chances are that i’ll end up in such a state, in a dingy section-8 apartment near an overpass in South Denver, waiting for an underpaid service worker to come in for three hours a day, and to digitally disimpact my bowels, as i won’t have the ability for even that”…. that always shut them down, and rightfully so.
She asked me to accompany her.
Of course.
The above picture described the flight to Switzerland.
On arrival, we met the staff,...they were extremely caring and thoughtful. The head of this particular organization is a noted human rights attorney. Most that take this journey spend a week or less at the comfortable accommodations made available, before they did what they came to do. However, we spent 6 weeks living near the Italian border in a beautiful, picturesque town. Raw food was abandoned for the gorgeous cuisine. She truly felt at peace with the Monks and Brothers at various mostly Catholic monasteries and cathedrals..most ornate and grand. They were particularly loving and kind to her, the Brothers at St. Anthonys. The Vatican, especially the Basilica of St. Peter, had her in tears. Without the thought of politics or history,..and being completely in the present with a friend that will soon die..it was indescribably beautiful. Art of majestic beauty.
Then..when she was truly ready..she told me that it was time. ‘Are you sure’?, i asked. ‘We can always go back’. She smiled. It was time.
Let’s just say that those last moments, when the medicine was given and she drank..and the harpist she requested was playing at the back of the room ( this was Europe, after all...playing Jefferson Starship (!) )..was most difficult for me to hold it together. I was a paramedic a thousand years ago in the 80’s, and holding on to life was in my makeup. She seemed at peace. There was a large cat in her lap. We held hands. She smiled.. and..in a very short time...my friend was gone.
I honored her requests on what to do with her items, who should get what. What to do with her ashes. Some to be placed here. Some there. She wanted some ashes to be thrown off the Cliffs of Mohair in Ireland, which she had visited during her school years abroad. It was there, whilst tossing her ashes into the air, that i felt an overwhelming sensation of gratitude and love. I felt her presence as vivid as if she were there in the flesh. She was there...to say thank you.
I left to Ireland directly from Switzerland, and then back home to Colorado. Strange.. flying one direction with my friend in the seat next to me, and the other direction her being in a wooden box in my carry-on.
Though my home is teeming with life...various pets abound...it seemed so very quite. So quite. Internally..i was quite.
And then the phone calls and visits. From Maise. She’s wheelchair bound. 38 years old. Also with progressive M.S. Bleak prognosis. No family. I’ve known her for years. The disease has now become unmanageable for her on her own.
She moved in three months ago.
She’s tentatively planning on Switzerland in December. And if indeed it was so...would i accompany her?
Of course.