My Kosobility quilt, of course, it makes the rounds to various locations in the house: the sofa, main chair, bed, rocking chair. As one can see it’s placed carefully but soon taken over by a cat, the quilt is fine fabric, of course, but the felines intuitively sense something special and are always looking for it.
For those who don’t know, a Kosobility quilt is given out by a group here of disabled people—injury, sickness, it really doesn’t matter how your life got blasted, just show up in the screens if you’re hurting or have something to offer. A quilt is a symbol of kindness and comfort, of course, but much more as a expression of acceptance, hope, and affirmation of what is best in the human spirit. That quilt will be in my sight every day until I leave this earth.
The usual procedure for submission to Kosobility, naturally, is to contact the admin, she finds a slot on the calendar and one submits a draft. I always over-think it and in a way get basely upset, so I’m submitting this quietly, eventually it will get around.
I have this List in my head, right, of stuff I should or have to do. Well I screwed up last summer at Athletics Nation, I had to apologize by the end of the season and I did it. It wasn’t fun but I figured Athletics Nation is a tiny backwater of nothing in the web, perhaps 15 people would read it.
[opens hands helplessly] I still don’t understand how or why that essay was so widely read, Jesus, everybody and their brother read it. Why? It was just a necessary honest apology, now everyone knows how effed up my life is. [sigh] Oh well, the truth is its own master, Lord do I know how disastrous disregard for it can smash up a life.
A little weary, too, I having my personal life so ridiculously on display. [sigh] Forget the story, okay, there are two persons in this world who cannot talk to each other, the only way I could ever get vital personal truth known was to publish it in the screens, which never should have happened. Thankfully that phase of my life is over, just some normal news here, but still personal and soon to happen only here, and not often, I’m trying to add to the very thin layers of online privacy insulation in my life.
But this is necessary and on my List, so without further ado after 429 words of yap I will finally get to it, I have real news, enough of the fade from cyclical vomiting syndrome finally kicked in after 13 years and I can work again, I am working, have been since September, full time.
Valley people would describe it as a survival job, right, a temporary place until you can get your career tracked again. Well my career is never coming back, the people I know in the Valley are gone and I’m 53, it’s absolutely hopeless to get back in that age-obsessed environment.
When I started I was ashamed about it, I was, how the hell did a political science degree and wartime service eventually spit out this result? I’m a laborer at a landscape company with a national living wage, it doesn’t go very far in California. I work my ass off in all weather and changing locations, thank the universe for google maps.
I also got physically ripped to hell, I’m very sorry to say gym shape is nothing like labor shape, moving four yards of gravel 30 yards isn’t a fun spin on a bike. I don’t take discomfort quietly, no, and among my tough companeros I got the reputation as an angry crybaby, which thankfully has faded over the months as I toughened up and cheerfully kept trying.
I did keep trying, four guys I know since I started have quit or been fired. It’s not an easy job, I’m still surprised at how vastly together a team must be to implement good construction. But my people are honest and sincere, they would never manipulate or degrade me, and thank heavens I never have to perform retail customer service again, not a fit for me at this time, no.
I ran out of time and options to start working again, there was never going to be anything like close to ideal when I came back. This is the second time in my life things have completely blown up and I was left was ragged, sorry pieces in a small attempt to desperately put something back together again, relax, it couldn’t be anything like the ideal, whatever that is.
I was given a chance, it is real money, and the principles I apply need practice and real-time application. I don’t know what will happen, the only thing that matters is to try your best, do what you can to shut out the past or how you got here, it really doesn’t matter, it doesn’t, nor does any judgment by someone looking at your life.
Christmas was, as usual, a nightmare and I got sick. But only for a few hours, not the 12 hour usual, and thankfully I was honest with my boss about the whole story, he gave me a few days off and then I hit the schedule. I do have bad mornings and some days, I’ll never be truly well again, but mostly like today I’m all right.
After getting ripped for a month I went back to the gym, I’m there 3-4 days a week, for whatever happened in this life it did give me a decent body. I can’t sleep worth a damn since the election, as long as I work okay I live with it.
Now that this is off the List I can get to my fourth short story. [rolls eyes] My third was about secrets, it was sexual (what, people don’t have sexual secrets in this life?) and I seemed to have gained a rather notorious reputation (shocking, isn’t it?). At least the fourth will be relatively normal about two little-people brothers.
Once that’s done maybe I’ll be a political essayist again, I don’t know. My feelings got hurt during the election and I have not been around much. But I love this place, I do, and another thing on my List is to support and contribute to Netroots Nation, as usual I can’t go but I like the good people running it and believe in the idea.
[waves] I’ll keep in touch and try to make the Kosobility threads again, sorry to be away but, well, I was sort of hiding. For all that has happened and whatever could be, I am better enough to work again, it’s something. Peace be with you, I wish the best day possible for you for whatever your burdens are. You are accepted and worthy, always, no matter what has happened.