Tom Barrack, the head of Donald Trump's Inauguration Committee, is in a funk.
Unable to enlist any top-name performers for inauguration night festivities, Mr. Barrack says he will resign today and hand the reigns over to someone who really knows how to throw a party: Reince Priebus.
"You think I'm happy with a lineup that includes a bunch of singing swinging Mormons, non-dancing Rockettes and ten cover bands? sighed Barrack. "It's embarrassing. I'm sure Caligula's planner had better luck than I did."
Barrack sobbed quietly into his turtleneck. "Believe me, I know people. Big name people. Most of them either ignored my calls or hurled nasty insults at me. And for the record, I have never f***ed my own mother. That wasn't very nice, Elton!"
According to Barrack, he's received "a boatload of pressure" from the Trump transition staff as well as from Mr. Trump. "The President-Elect called me last week while I was on the other line finalizing a deal with "Evening Delight," a shitty Starland Vocal Band cover group out of Topeka, when my secretary says she has Donald Trump on line 2. So I hang up the other line and Mr. Trump starts yelling at me at the top of his lungs, 'Bring me Beyonce! Bring me Beyonce!' Well, he might as well have said, 'Bring me Liberace!' because neither one will be performing for him"
It was a surprising admission from a man who just last week said that ""instead of trying to surround him (Trump) with what people consider 'A-listers,' we are going to surround him with the soft sensuality of the place. It's a much more poetic cadence than having a circus-like celebration that's a coronation.
"I was drunk," Barrack explained. "I've been drinking seven or eight Cosmos every frigging day this month." He paused and leaned towards me. "Did I really say all that bullshit? A more poetic cadence? I don’t even know what that means.”
The frazzled man threw down his Day Planner and began sobbing uncontrollably. "The cruel irony of it all," he wailed, "is that if my name was 'Barack' instead of 'Barrack,' I'd be knee deep in celebs begging me to let them perform: U2 and Barbra Streisand and Michael Bublé and on and on. And who do I get? Some 16 year-old nobody from some reality show singing The National Anthem. Oh, that should put a lot asses in the seats!"
Unsure of what he will do next, Barrack says he may go back to his old job as a greeter at the Merrycrest Funeral Home in Bayonne, New Jersey. “It’s a much happier place. And nobody ever turns me down.”