Today I was getting a little nostalgic for our outgoing President Barack Obama and decided to Google his first day in office just as a refresher so I have something to compare and contrast with the spectacle we are sure to see on Friday. While Googling I found this article from The Guardian documenting Obama’s first 100 Hours as President and felt I absolutely had to parody this.
Especially considering the reports that Trump wasn’t planning to do any real Presidential work until MONDAY because he would be too busy with the celebrations, this just seemed like the kind of piece that writes itself.
By the way, I am starting a weekly podcast on Inauguration Day that will document the evil deeds of the Trump administration on Youtube from Day 1. I plan on cross-posting the text versions of these episodes here on Dailykos, but if you enjoy this post and would like to support my efforts feel free to subscribe at the link below. (I need 100 subs before Youtube will grant me a custom URL.)
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Enjoy
Donald Trumps first 100 Hours.
1 Said: "That was very, very terrific." His first words as President of the United States immediately after finishing a sloppy rendition of the Presidential Oath of Office that was filled with asides and unnecessary flourishes.
2 Delivered a 47-minute inauguration address, in which he called out specific journalists and media outlets by name and put them on notice. Bashed what he called “failing” celebrities who refused to attend his inauguration and told the crowds to prepare themselves for “the greatest 8 years of American history.”
3 Invoked jeers from the 2 million-plus crowd with the words: "Today, and it’s a very very great day, isn’t it? Today we take the first steps towards a new America. A classy America. Very classy. You’ll look back on past years in America and you won’t even recognize it, it will look so bad. Everyone will think so. And they’ll remember that it was me who changed it. Everybody loves me. Look at this crowd, everybody loves me. Nobody else could draw a crowd like Trump.”
4 Then the words: "Plans will be put in motion soon, very soon, to end the influence of hackers and peddlers of fake news" Vladamir Putin, sitting to his left, looks decidedly uncomfortable.
5 With his wife, Malania, escorted Barack and Michelle Obama to the waiting helicopter, where the two men shook hands before the former president began a long deserved vacation in Hawaii.
6 As the helicopter disappeared into rainy skies, Trump now had Washington, and the United States, all to himself. He looked scared.
7 Inside the Capitol building, Trump stood around awkwardly unimpressed with the esthetics, casually shifting his weight side to side and looking bored as the press took photos.
8 "I'm hungry." he said, as he lazily waved one hand downward and began to exit the room.
9 Remarked to Mitch McConnel “We’re going to need to do something about these buildings. Very bad.”
10 Tried unsuccessfully to keep his hair dry as he stepped outside into the rain completely unconcerned about his wife.
11 Attended a lunch with congressional leaders, where he dined on a menu from KFC and Taco Bell, served on replica Lincoln White House china.
12 Addressed the assembled crowd minus Chris Christie who was removed by secret service for ‘not looking good on camera.’
13 Entered his limousine, nicknamed ‘The Beastier Beast, very beasty’ to begin the parade down Pennsylvania Avenue to his new home at number 1600.
14 The armour-plated limo has tinted windows, but through them, Trump could be seen clearly trying to maintain the ball of wire he calls his hair.
15 Lumbered about 20 feet of the 1.7-mile parade route, waving lazily at the crowds lining the street before getting back into the limo for the rest of the parade.
16 Briefly entered the White House with his family - the Trumps first moments in their new home.
17 As he entered the North Portico into the central entrance, he passed a portrait of the elder Bill Clinton on his left and George W. Bush on his right. Straight ahead of him, above the door to the Blue Room, was the seal of the US president. His seal.
18 Took his position in the reviewing stand outside the White House, to watch 40 bands and other groups parade past, about 10 minutes in he fell asleep for approximately 20 minutes.
19 Forgot to salute, as cadets marched by. Was physically nudged by Vice President Pence at which point President Trump began saluting. He looked ridiculous.
20 Instructed his chief of staff to order him a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
21 Took to Twitter to complain about the weather “ Barack Obama leaves Washington DC in disaster. Great weather predicted for next 8 years. Fantastic.”
22 Danced with Malania to Ted Nugent's "Stranglehold" as the opening dance of the Neighbourhood Ball.
23 Appeared to step on the feet of Malania, gave up trying to dance 30 seconds into the song.
24 Gave a brief interview to ABC News, whose reporter said: "Mr President - sounds good, doesn't it?" "It sounds fantastic, it’s the best job in the world. America needs a new boss. I am that boss. And everybody agrees that I am the best man for the job. Everyone." he replied.
25 Lumbered around and spoke again at the Home State Ball, for New York.
26 A quick transfer to the Commander-in-Chief ball, with many military attendees, and a satellite link to war zones. Trump again saluting. This time at odd and inappropriate moments.
27 Visited the Youth Ball, for people aged between 18 and 35.
28 Visited the Home State Ball for Indiana, in honour of Vice President Pence.
29 Briefly visited the Mid-Atlantic Ball.
30 ... And the Western Ball ...
31 ... And the Midwestern Ball ...
32 ... And the Southern Ball ...
33 ... And the Eastern Ball. The couple looked increasingly exhausted as the evening progressed, and sped up their appearances, ending the night ahead of schedule.
34 Back to White House at 12.55am to spend his first night there.
35 The Trumps slept in the master bedroom in the private residence on the first floor of the White House.
36 Fourteen hours of sleep and he was up and at it on his first full day which was almost over.
37 Trump probably squeezed in a few McRibs between breakfast and lunch.
38 Spent his first 10 minutes alone in the Oval Office... weeping.
39 Got to sit for the first time behind the Resolute desk, a gift from Queen Victoria to America in 1880. Was not impressed.
40 Read the letter that Obama had left for him, according to tradition, in the top drawer of the desk, marked: "To #45, From #44". Its contents have not been revealed.
41 Discussed the day's events with his chief of staff. It's their first Oval Office meeting.
42 Posed for pictures taken by his personal White House photographer of him and Pence standing by awkwardly. Press photographers later expressed their anger that they weren't invited to capture the moment. Breitbart somehow obtains exclusive rights to publish said photos.
43 Briefly spoke with his wife, Malania, in the Oval Office. Mostly about redecorating.
44 Attended morning-after post-inauguration service with his family and the Pence’s, at the Washington National Cathedral.
45 Got visibly upset when Bishop Wayne T. Jackson proclaimed: "This is their first full day on the job and the best way we can imagine to begin is by praying for them."
46 Took to Twitter to complain about joke. “Man who believes in imaginary friend disrespects the most powerful man on the planet. Sad.”
47 Telephoned Vladamir Putin, the call was Trumps first to a foreign leader. Putin answered the call on his cell phone 3 feet away.
48 Phoned the Israeli prime minister.
49 Phoned Pizza Hutt to order delivery.
50 Phoned President Obama to ask for Whitehouse wifi password.
51 Took a two hour nap.
52 Told staff to cancel all Whitehouse tours for next 4 years.
53 Announced he would be flying home to Trump tower this evening.
54 Expressed disdain for having to work on his Saturday.
55 Witnessed the swearing-in of about 5 senior members of White House staff. Left the room when it got boring.
56 Issued executive order overturning Obama’s executive order 13672 effectively clearing the way for bigoted institutions known to discriminate against Gays and non-believers to once again serve as federal contractors. Trump called this a “..very very great and terrific thing. Everybody thinks so,”
57 Pence informs the President that the Internet is claiming Trump’s asides and flourishes may have invalidated his Presidential Oath. Trump did not look amused.
58 Personally greeted each of the newly sworn-in staff. Looked annoyed the entire time.
59 Trump hosted an "open house" in the White House for 200 people who had been granted tickets on a biggest donation, first-served basis.
60 "Welcome, enjoy yourself," the president told one young man. "All of this junk is leaving anyway."
61 Met the joint chiefs of staff and other members of his national security team to discuss Iran and China. His first chance to check out the wizardry in the Situation Room, with its screens receiving satellite images from around the world and its banks of incoming top-secret messages. Begins sending photos of such things to Vladamir Putin.
62 Met economic advisors to discuss his tax cut package, which could be worth $900bn.
63 Re-swore the oath of office in the White House Map Room after anger over disrespect for the oath reaches a boiling point online.
64 After four attempts Trump sticks to the script this time and gets it right.
65 Trump Tweets “Failing Constitutional Scholars spreading fake news. Sad.”
66 Took Airforce One to New York. On landing asks about recommissioning His private jet as new Airforce One.
67 Had dinner at Trump tower. Asks about recommissioning Trump Tower as new Whitehouse.
68 Gave a phone interview to Sean Hannity. Rants about limitations of Presidential power.
69 Rode up and down the escalator looking wistfully at the building he built in his own image. Saddened he will have to spend at least 25 hours a week in Washington DC.
70 On Thursday morning, said goodbye to his daughter, who was returning to Washington DC to help staff transition into offices.
71 Went to Burger King for a Whopper.
72 Absorbed the news that the specially commissioned piece of music by Ted Nugent at his inauguration had in fact been regarded as the worst song in America.
73 Tweeted photo of Washington Monument with caption “Mine is bigger and much straighter, trust me I guarantee there is no problem.”
74 Tweets “No plans to return to Washington DC until Monday. No place like New York City.”
75 Tweets “There is no better place to get a Philly Cheese Steak than New York City.”
76 Tweets photo of himself with a Philly Cheese Steak while holding a plastic fork and knife.
77 Tweets “MSM refuses to conduct poll on success of inauguration. Cowards. Best inauguration in history of the world. No question.”
78 Tweets photo of crowds from inauguration.
79 Reportedly watches footage of inauguration on loop for 5 hours.
80 Watched as Pence said on Fox News that he had a successful first day in the Whitehouse.
81 Went to bed.
82 Sunday afternoon Trump Tweets “Sunday news shows clamoring for interviews with Whitehouse staff. Pathetic.”
83 Mike Pence visits Meet the Press for an interview. Rumors circulate that Trump is upset Pence broke NBC embargo.
84 Called on ISIS to surrender. Says “Very very very not good things are coming your way if you continue this.”
85 Paid brief surprise visit to the lobby of Trump tower. Hold impromptu press conference where he belittles Pence and dismisses reporters questions.
86 Observing that CNN and Buzzfeed had been let into the building promptly has reporters removed.
87 According to aides, Trump signs executive order undoing Obama’s Clean Power Plan orders that effectively placed a tax on carbon emissions calling the move a “bold first step toward creating jobs.”
88 Tweets “Protestors upset about my tax returns should go get a job. There will be millions of new jobs available very very soon. #AmericaIsGreatAgain”
89 Through executive order rescinds DAPA and DACA policies stripping away the temporary legal status Obama had effectively granted thousands of illegal immigrants.
90 Rescinds Obama’s transgendered bathroom guidelines for school districts.
91 Sits in on the daily briefing of the National Security Council giving updates on threats around the world. Had a great nap.
92 Reinstitutes sanctions on Iran creating the first in what will be a long line of dickish steps toward war.
93 Started the first of what will now be a new daily series of tweets in which he will belittle and berate random citizens who disagree with him.
94 Trump meets with Scott Baio about a possible cabinet position.
95 According to aides, Trump announces the planned removal of petitions.whitehouse.gov after multiple petitions for Trump to resign easily reach the 100,000 signature mark.
96 The Trumps had a choice of possible entertainments to round off their week. The choicest of all, most past presidents agree, is the private theatre, where they can watch Hollywood films before they are put on general release. Trump instead went with a backstage tour of a local beauty pageant with an hour-long stop in the dressing rooms.
97 Trump tweets “I am excited to nominate Dr. Harold Bornsteinack to the position of Surgeon General. Losers Dems and media will attack him. Sad.”
98 4:30am Monday morning Trump tweets “Crooked Hillary Clinton lost bigger than any previous loser. Clear mandate to put her in jail.”
99 Back in Washington DC Trump is seen walking Whitehouse grounds pointing to different elements of design and talking/signaling frantically to his aide.
100 Donald Trump retreats to his office on the first floor, puts his feet up on the desk, and leans back as a crane outside erects giant gold letters that spell out TRUMP onto the white house roof.
That’s all folks. Fingers crossed we make it to 2020 when hindsight will prevail and Trump will be sent packing.