Dear #MAGA Diary,
First, we need to say thank you and God’s greatest blessings to President Trump, our very greatest President ever, for making it legal to say Merry Christmas again. We are so grateful to be living to see #MAGA unfold before our very eyes. Speaking of #MAGA, this was another great week for #MAGA and our #MAGA truth has kept marching on for 332 days and counting.
Last Tuesday night, the libtards claimed they won the Judge Roy Moore Senate seat in Alabama but it was #FakeNews! The wife & I were impressed how Judge Moore confronted the wicked harlots who lied to the #FakeNews media about rejecting his offers to be sexually assaulted. The Dems cheated like they always do and smuggled in tens of thousands of carpetbagging former slaves and Mexican rapists to commit voter fraudulence. This was just what the losers and haters did to take the popular vote away from our very greatest President ever in 2016. Our great friend Judge Moore took to the saddle to stop the fake voters and protect the white vote.
During my daily intravenous feeding from #MAGAFoxNews we finally got the truth about the Kenyan Muslim. Sean Hannity said that it was the evil Bob Mueller who forged Obummer’s birth certificate and stopped the investigation into the conspiracy that Obummer was born in Kenya and Indonesia at the same time. I started to cry when I realized that Sean had proven that our very greatest President ever was right all along. Sean also told me that Mueller was a lawless and biased partisan libtard plant and not a real Vietnam war hero or a real former prosecutor or real former FBI director. When the great Hannity called Mueller a #FakeNews hoax my wife was worried that Sean was getting so worked up his head would explode. Our very greatest President ever said people are very very angry and more people are becoming very very angry and we need to fire Mueller and arrest him for treason for turning the FBI into tatters and having secret meetings with Russians.
I applied for a job at the wicked EPA to investigate the deep state moles who want to eavesdrop on the secret communications cone of awesome #MAGA hero Scott Pruitt. I also signed up for the cool #MAGA secret police and intelligence force that will protect our very greatest President ever from those treason party Dems, phony resistance libtards and women marchers who complain about sexual assault like it’s the only thing that matters. Our very greatest President ever is standing up to libtard female senators who won’t bow to him.
I don’t know about you but I was surprised to find out that another great judge, Judge Jeanine Pirro on Fox News, wasn’t on the Supreme Court. Come to think of it, Judge Moore and Judge Pirro should be there because they are smarter than all of them. I got fired up when Pirro said all the haters should be arrested and locked up for starting a coup and selling Uranium One emails to the wicked Clinton Foundation. My wife & I don’t know what Uranium One is but our very greatest President ever says it’s bad for #MAGA and it’s time to impeach Crooked Hillary who is being financed by George Soros.
My taxes are going to going down big time because our very greatest President ever has appointed judges who are as qualified as me to stop the Russian Hoax Coup. The libtards are whining because the great tax plan was finagled to buy off the vote of spineless RINO senators Rubio & Corker. We say what’s the point of #MAGA if you can’t bribe your way to riches. I will never forget the huge $$$$ sacrifice made by our very greatest President ever who says believe me his taxes are going way up and I believe him because he hates uppity black professional football players who disrespect America, the anthem and our very greatest President ever when they kneel down. Even if my taxes don’t go down big time, I am happy that rich libtards in California and New York will suffer because our very greatest President ever will torment them until the Rapture and beyond.
The wife and I couldn’t make it to the White House Christmas party with our good friends at the NRA. We had a big laugh when the libtards got all mad that it was on the 5th anniversary of the #FakeNews Sandy Hook false flag massacre. We sent those libtard crybabies our 2nd Amendment thoughts and prayers. On the local front, the bridge over the river to the local school fell down and five people died but that’s alright because the school is open only two days a week ‘cause the libtards stole all the money and gave it to sanctuary cities. I am also grateful that our very greatest President ever has banned un-American words like diversity and science-based and evidence-based.
Finally dear #MAGA diary, we helped our very greatest President ever with his legal bills by visiting the Official Trump Store to do all our Merry Christmas shopping. We bought 4 Make America Great Again Merry Christmas baseball caps for $45 a piece, six Make America Great Again morning mugs at $30 a piece, and 5 Make America Great Again tree ornaments at $45 a piece and for our #MAGA neighbors, we got commemorative pint glass set for the largest inauguration in human history on sale for $14. For my wife, I secretly signed her up for Trump University II classes so she too can #MAGA. For myself, I bought a Make Christmas Great Again sweater for $34.99 just so I can wear it and piss off my libtard son and daughter-in-law when they visit for Christmas. Best thing was we got free shipping from our very greatest President ever for orders over $500. What a deal to ease my economic anxiety.
P.S. The failing New York Times just called again and asked if I could be in another story about faithful supporters of our very greatest President ever. I said #MAGA baby!
Michael McCord, the former political editor and columnist of the Portsmouth (N.H.) Herald, is an award-winning journalist and writer. He is the author of the political satires The Execution Channel: A Political Fable and the forthcoming sequel End Times: Further Adventures in Real America. You can follow him on Twitter @mmgolfer