On Tuesday evening, February 7th, US Senate Leader Mitch McConnell collapsed and was rushed to Walter Reed Army Hospital where the ER team worked feverishly to extract the senator’s head from his ass. The untoward accident occurred on the floor of the US Senate when McConnell proved that he was indeed a human-turtle hybrid. In his effort to retrieve Rule 19 from the dusty recesses of 1902 Senate procedures, the esteemed gentleman from Kentucky attempted to execute an unusually athletic maneuver.
The senator’s reach back over 115 years into the more obscure recesses of Senate history somewhat exceeded his mental agility. Thus the aforementioned medical misadventure ensued. Doctors have diagnosed the senator’s illness as ouroborositis, a nonfatal yet disabling condition rendering the afflicted chronically hearing impaired whenever addressed by those deemed social inferiors.
The senator is resting comfortably in his room after receiving repeated reassurances from hospital staff that it is indeed 1902, and the suffragette is merely a short-lived fashion in female pantaloons, Elizabeth Warren is the brand name of a popular lady's corset, and no woman has ever disobeyed him.
Reports that the senator was sitting up in bed whistling Dixie were contradicted by other sources who claimed that McConnell could be overheard fuming to his aides: Why on earth would anyone attempt to read a letter from Loretta Scott King on the august floor of the United States Senate? He was from Kentucky, so he knew all about Loretta King. She was a gosh darned good country and western singer, but why on earth would she be writing a letter to the US Senate?