Doesn’t it make you crazy, conservatives?
Aren’t you sick and tired of the accusations? The rumors? The leaks?
Don’t you want to move on to the actual important issues? Trump was elected, right? He’s in charge. But all this bullshit is slowing everything down! Don’t we want to actually solve some problems? Get that wall going? Start the ACA repeal? Vet some refugees? Restore law and order? Eliminate some waste? Build some pipelines?
But most importantly — really, it’s not close — don’t you want to fucking piss off some liberal snowflakes? Don’t you want to show them what total fucking morons they are?
Then let’s get an independent committee together and clear the air about this whole Trump-Putin nonsense.
Let’s investigate it, discover how everything was actually fine and nothing was illegal, and then move on.
Don’t you want to see the libtards at the New York Times and Washington Post forced to run huge headlines like Probe Exonerates Trump’s Russia Connections: No Evidence of Wrongdoing and Schumer Support Plummets as White House Emerges Unscathed by Russia Report and Trump Triumphs: No Inappropriate Contact With Russia?
An independent committee! A deep dive into just what Trump’s people were talking to Russia about during the campaign. And during the transition. And since! Hey, there are totally good explanations for all of it. The “intelligence community” doesn’t think so? Perfect! Let’s embarrass them too, the pansy fuckers — they’re just in league with Hillary anyway, right? So get that committee together, let’s get experts into all the transcripts and sworn statements from all the players, and let’s clear the air.
Call our bluff. Jujitsu the fuck out of the progressive pussy patrol. We think an independent committee investigation will be the beginning of the end of the Trump administration — but what if we’ve got it exactly backwards? What if exposing all these media/liberal lies strangles the fledgling “resistance” in its crib? What if proving Trump’s innocence — and Manaford’s, and Flynn’s, and everyone else’s — is the death knell for the progressive movement for the next decade? What if it catapults Trump’s approval numbers into the high 60s, greasing the skids not just for tax reform and SCOTUS and immigration and voting rights, but for the real stuff — federal agency dismantling, large-scale social issue rollback, a total reset of the country’s perception of itself in Trump’s image.
See us in court! Tell liberals to “please proceed!” Get Trump to document all the Russian contacts — revealing nothing untoward went on. Have him make every aid available to testify under oath. Obama got credit for releasing his birth certificate? Fuck that! One up him and release your taxes — that show no Russian investment of any size whatsoever. No one expects it! Everyone thinks he owes billions! Imagine how much crow they’ll have to eat when he doesn’t! Wouldn’t that be great, conservatives? Can’t you just taste those buckets of liberal tears as they return to talking about court battles they’re losing and appointments they can’t prevent and new election polls they’re miles behind in, after Trump is suddenly transparent, innocent, and all their predictions about him were 180 degrees wrong?
Aren’t you sick of seeing the pink hats beat the red hats?
Don’t you want to see those overweight white suburban bitches drive their Priuses back to their houses and stop bothering you? Once their ridiculous “movement” fizzles out, GOP popularity goes through the roof, and Trump’s reelection is all but assured, can you even imagine the kinds of things you’ll be able to accomplish?
Progressives are clearly putting all their eggs into this basket. Trump as incompetent juvenile. Trump as treasonous debtor. Trump as clueless couch potato.
So prove them wrong!
Launch the investigation. Ask Trump to insist on it! And no 18-month marathon, either. Get everyone together. Clear the schedules. Have Trump say he won’t sign a single piece of non-emergency legislation until and unless this is finished and behind him. Get Kellyanne on the morning shows saying this is now priority #1, nothing can proceed until it’s dealt with, Trump is a man who get things done, dammit. Trot Spicey out there to rant about the slow pace the commission is taking, make sure they know your side wants results, they want details, they want 100% full exoneration, no stone left unturned, nothing left but the unvarnished truth. Staff the committee with an unassailable mix of non-partisan experts from every corner of the political spectrum. Diffuse the predictable criticisms before they even get started. Get every intelligence agency behind it. Spend weeks pushing it to look harder, probe deeper, be more thorough.
Then fucking bask in the results when Trump is exonerated. Can you imagine? How glorious it will be?? Roll around in the news reports of shocked opinion writers being let go. Never see Alec Baldwin on SNL again. Watch Rachel Maddow and Chris Hayes quit MSNBC in embarrassment, and the airheads at CNN retool their lineups to feature stalwart conservatives — people who stood by the newly popular president, who never bought into any of that Russian conspiracy bullshit, and now stand alone as the only “mainstream” media we can trust.
Push this independent committee, conservatives, watch it prove Trump’s innocence, and then ride the ensuing wave of Republican popularity and Democrat shame to huge victories in 2018 and beyond, ensuring an impenetrable string of conservative victories for at least the next generation.
Beat the progressives at our own game. We cling to facts? You show us. You know better.
Your man and his team didn’t do this crap they’re accusing him of. They all love their country, just like you do. All this conspiracy talk ginned up by the media is making you look like liberals are the real Americans! That’s insane! You’re not going to let Elizabeth Fucking Warren wrap the flag around herself while God-loving patriots like Jason Chaffetz are shamed simply for acknowledging that billionaire businessman Donald Trump is no Crooked Hillary, are you?
Don’t stand for this distraction any longer, conservatives.
Get on board — an independent committee will free Trump forever from the inferno currently engulfing his presidency. He’ll never have to answer a question about his integrity again! All this smoke but no fire? Who will ever doubt him after this victory? Who will believe liberals again? On anything? Who will believe your liberal cousin on Facebook next time he says something ridiculous? No one! Instead, you — you, conservative hero — will rule your social media ecosystem. You, who knew all along this was bullshit. You, who knew political correctness was destroying our nation. You, who knew Bernie Sanders and Meryl Streep and all their exteme leftist pals would say anything to bring their communist ideas to life, even if it meant concocting lies about our freely elected president. God it will feel good to be right. Can’t you just taste it??
It’s the only way, conservatives.
1. Support this independent committee.
2. Watch Trump emerge victorious.
3. And then never have to fight for anything ever again.
You really will get tired of all the winning.