10. Negotiating production of new flavored versions of Trump Vodka from white-label supplier
9. Has had weekly long-distance chess matches going with Russian Grand Masters since 2003
8. Secretly a Pussy Riot fanboy and wanted to buy concert tickets
7. Had received outreach from a Nigerian prince, exiled to Russia, looking to transfer funds to the US
6. Wanted to rent Putin’s polar bear for publicity stunt
5. Researching Lenin embalming, preservation and display techniques for a father-in-law friend
4. Wednesday night long-distance karaoke club
3. Wanted a private channel to help rig energy markets - but strictly for private gain
2. With no American acts willing to play the inauguration, was trying to book the Red Army Choir and wanted deniability when they, too, turned him down
1. Wanted to pre-negotiate an all-purpose, rainy-day asylum deal, just in case, but for no particular reason (No - really - just as a general backup)