I was raised in an ethnically Musical Theaterese household, so perhaps that’s why the ACA repeal debacle of last night, and the days and nights leading up to it, has reminded me this morning of the Constabulary in Gilbert & Sullivan’s Pirates of Penzance.
To those uninitiated, the Constabulary in the Pirates of Penzance were the Keystone Kops before there were Keystone Kops. Clumsy and useless, with a dash of idiotic pageantry only thinly overlaying deep cowardice. In the operetta, It is the Constabulary gathered together to fight off the Pirates. They move in formation, sing and dance about what they are about to do, about their bravery, about marching off to face their foe. The daughters of the Major General, in an effort to pump them up for glorious deaths, sing to remind them they are so wonderfully brave because they are heading off into certain doom, and the tears of these daughters will water their very graves in eternal appreciation and reverence. Instead of cheering the Constabulary, the pronouncement that they’re all about to die as heroes scares the shit out of them.
It is the Major General himself who arrives late in the song and realizes that despite all the singing, marching in columns and pomp and circumstance, the Constabulary are not actually leaving the stage to head off to fight the Pirates. Instead, they keep singing about how they are marching off to accomplish this brave goal, without actually doing anything.
The Pirates of Penzance is 137 years old, and this number is still mightily funny. It remains a touchstone, in many ways as vital now as in 1880, of how to recognize full of shit people who are terrified, incompetent, incapable of accomplishing anything, and perhaps incapable of moving.
McCain certainly provided the drama last night (with much credit to the 48 Democrats/Democratic-caucusing independents, and Collins and Murkowski), but the Republican performance has “When the Foeman Bares His Steel” written all over it. The cowardice, the unwillingness to engage, all ending in embarrassment. Capito and Heller, maybe even Portman and Flake, casting absolutely toxic votes for no reason, that leads to nothing. The rich quotes of Senators who voted for the bill saying they only did so on the assurance that there was no way it would pass, because it fucking blows. On the other hand, divorced of the legislation, in ruby red states that want the ACA repealed no matter the cost, you have full control of all parts of government and still fail. Blame McCain, Collins, and Murkowski if you want to, but that doesn’t energize right wing voters to come out when you can’t accomplish anything.
The backroom shakedowns, the high drama, the twisted face of Jeff Flake trying to get McCain’s attention in the hours before the vote to plead with him, Pence cajoling him in the hall, the crestfallen patheticness of Cornyn, Barrasso, Thune, and most of all McConnell...their complete humiliation, incompetence and failure written all over their face so clearly that even the pool camera from 50 feet away captured it as clear as day.
Major General: These pirates slay!
Constabulary: Tarantara.
Major General: Then do not stay!
Constabulary: Tarantara.
Major General: Then why this delay?
Constabulary: Alright we go, yes forward on the foe, yes forward on the foe!
Major General: Yes but you don't go!
Constabulary: Yes yes we go, yes forward on the fore, yes forward on the foe!
Major General: Yes but you don't go!
Constabulary: Yes, yes, we go!
Idiots preparing to do battle, preparing for the better part of a decade, and they can’t even get out of the stable.
Tarantara indeed.
When the Foeman Bares His Steel