First of all, I need to apologize for lurking and not checking in. I read Daily Kos everyday; the articles and the comments. I haven’t participated here because I’m so afraid that someone will ask me about the situation I wrote about on July 20, 2017. Here’s the link to that diary:
www.dailykos.com/…
For nearly a year, I have searched for a place for my brother, I’ve talked to various people at different organizations/agencies who weren’t really good resources of advice for how to help my brother. I even talked to his doctor who couldn’t even confirm or deny that he was his doctor due to HIPPA (I’m not my brother’s legal guardian). There were times when I gave up entirely for months and resigned myself to my situation. I was overwhelmed and I felt trapped, like I was a failure. My depression loomed over me and all I could do was manage to drag myself to my job everyday and come home to this hellhole and try not to lose my mind. Nothing improved. There was no hope. You don’t realize how scarce the resources are for adults with mental illness until you go to look for them. The more I looked and didn’t find, the worse I felt.
So, Friday morning I was at work doing my best to concentrate on the tasks I needed to finish, organizing paperwork with my office mates, etc. I received a text from my landlord: “I need to talk to you about a few things when you get time.”
Oh, shit! I knew what he was going to say. I live in an up/down duplex on the top floor and the people downstairs had just moved out after less than a year. Right then, I knew that the former tenants must have told my landlord that they couldn’t live here anymore because of my brother. I knew that they had been frustrated because my brother sleeps all day and is awake all night going in and out of the door to the outside that we share. I knew that they probably told my landlord that my brother rants and raves at the voices in his head at 3am in our shared backyard and in his room, which is right above theirs. He goes in and out of his room to the bathroom, slamming the door each time at least 6 or 7 times a night. I lay awake at night like my former neighbors did …listening. As soon as I fall asleep, “BAM!” there goes the door again. I tried to talk to him about it and he lies. It’s the “medication”. His doctor told him to take it at a certain time and he can’t go against the doctor. He dismisses me and shuts the door in my face. I tried to confront him as he was in the backyard yelling at 3am. He called me a bitch and threatened me, his voice escalating and getting louder with every word. At 3am. In the backyard. My landlord confirmed all this.
As you can imagine, when I got that text from the landlord and then spoke to him, I felt like I had reached the end of my rope. I started involuntarily crying. I tried to hide it. I went outside for some air. Long story short, I ended up crying and hyperventilating in my manager’s office. He was very supportive. I decided right then, I needed to save myself from this. I asked him for Monday (today) off so I could take my brother to the local housing authority and sign him up for the waiting list for a subsidized apartment. He agreed to give me the day off and wished me luck.
I got back to my office and tried to work. I couldn’t concentrate. The problem with getting my brother his own place is that we did that before and it didn’t work out. He can’t maintain a bedroom let alone a place by himself. I would never rest at night knowing what he was up to. And he’s “nice” but he’s hotheaded. He can’t be in the projects right now. He’s too vulnerable and he needs assistance with everyday life. I can’t be the only one that is invested in him because I’m not objective and there’s too much sibling animosity between us. I started googling again. After 2 hours, magically, I came across a website that gave me a long list of “adult care housing”. I clicked on a few links and found a place that was perfect. It’s not far from where we live live. I talked to the lady who runs it. There’s no curfew, there’s no rationing of things like cigarettes, etc. There’s a staff that comes in to clean, cook, do laundry, manage his medicare/medicaid and social security benefits and find a case worker. He would have his own bedroom and not have to share it with anyone else. I told my brother about it, he resisted and refused at first but I talked him down and he agreed to go see the place today.
Turns out, the place was everything the lady said it would be. A decent place, nice and clean and peaceful. She showed my brother his potential bedroom, explained the rules of the house and talked to me about what it would cost. There’s a state subsidy program that would pay part of it and he would get the remainder of his money from social security to buy his cigarettes and toiletries, etc. The waiting list is about 30 days due to the state program taking on clients that are addicted to opiods and the funds being split between them and the mentally ill. We went back to sign the paperwork to get on the 30 day wait list for the subsidy application approval and then he can move in by the beginning of next month. I felt the weight of the world leave my shoulders and my brother seemed happy with the arrangement, too. Until she said she needed a cash deposit. That’s when my stomach caved in and all hope was lost.
I don’t have the money. I just paid our rent here and I’m already in dire straits because I had to fix my car. Without my car, I don’t have a job because I work 37 miles away and there are no buses and I need gas money for the commute. All my savings from all the overtime I worked are nearly depleted. I’ll be here all alone come first of the month without the assistance of the extra income and I don’t know how I will pay all of my rent. I’m underwater with the gas bill, I’m behind on the electric bill and I’m running out of food. My brother, on top of the deposit that he needs to secure his room, needs for me to buy things for him when he moves out because he’s thrown away or as he puts it “misplaced” all the clothing I’ve bought him. My house is not messy. He didn’t “misplace” anything. He’d rather throw shit away than do his laundry. I know it sounds crazy but this is what I deal with.
I can’t let this opportunity go. This lady who runs this house is professional, caring, sensitive to the needs of adults and I couldn’t ask for a better place for my brother. She has successfully transitioned quite a few people who have come through her place into independent living over the 8 years that she’s been licensed. This is what my brother wants. This is what I want.
I’ve been a member of Daily Kos since 2009. I have never asked for help in all these years and I never thought I would. Now it’s come down to the point that I might lose my grip on everything and I need your help.
If you can spare it, I have a paypal account. My email address is tcmayb@gmail.com. I can pay you back in time, I just need to sign up for overtime at work for the extra cash. I have climbed my way out of many situations and I have a job that I’m proud of and I’m so different than I used to be when I first joined this site. I’m a high-functioning depressed person and I don’t want to lose the life I worked so hard for because now I have insurance through my job and I can get help now for the way *I* feel. I feel so fragile, like just one more thing can break me.
I know that usually there are other folks who post these kind of diaries for those of us in need but I couldn’t wait. I need about $800 to set this all straight. I realize how immediate my situation is.
Thank you for your help and thank you for reading. Any advice you can give me is welcome also. I’ve never had to do this before. Any of this.
Update! OK, you guys have to stop now! I just looked at my account and there’s waaaay over the amount I requested. I just did a money transfer and it’s going to take about 24 hours for it to get approved and get it to my account. There was over $2700. I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I didn’t expect this much help. I can actually do a lot more than I planned to do. I’m overwhelmed. Thanks so much!
Update 2! The money keeps coming in and I’m losing my mind right now. I have to put a stop to this because it’s gone so far over what I originally asked for and I don’t know what to do. But you have no idea what this means for us. Now I can buy things for my brother not worrying about where it will end up because he is going to a place where they will help him manage it. It is now over $3300. I can actually pay off this gas and electric bill without just doing the minimum payment. Everything I’m behind in, will get caught up with zero balance. I can buy decent food, and things that my brother can microwave when I’m not here. I can take the day off to see my daughter graduate from high school without it temporarily devastating me financially (she’s 2 hours away). I don’t even know what else to say. I just checked the balance again and now it’s about $3400. I can’t thank everyone enough.
Update 3! Every time I look, there’s more money. It’s getting close to $3600 now. I swear, if you generous, beautiful mutherfuckers make me cry at work tomorrow, so help me. LOL I’m gonna go to sleep now and dream about nice shit and not the nightmares or dreams of longing that I usually have. Good night, Kossers!
Update 4! I’m at work now and about to go into a meeting. I told a few coworkers about this amazing thing that happened and about the Kos community. They couldn’t believe it. Everybody’s so happy for me. They said I look like a new person today. I think my grand total is somewhere near $3800 because I got a few more donations.