From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: ‘Twas the Night Before Impeachment Edition
"It was a long day for the House Judiciary portion of the impeachment proceedings. The committee heard from four legal scholars, who laid out the constitutional grounds for impeachment. There's a lot of speculation in the committee about what the founding fathers would do if they were here to see this. To me the answer is obvious: they'd be throwing up in their wigs. If the founding fathers were here they'd be like, 'Take that orange ape and throw him in the harbor with the tea.'"
—Jimmy Kimmel
"After opening an inquiry into the possibility of impeachment, then reading the impeachment report and considering the impeachment options, we finally made it to the beginning of the end of the start, and we're about to start the beginning of the middle."
—Stephen Colbert
"Historic times. The impeachment is moving forward. Democrats are now deciding which of President Trump's crimes to include in the articles of impeachment. So far they've got bribery, obstruction of justice, and fathering Don Jr. He could get the chair for that one."
—Conan O'Brien
"Last night during a reception at Buckingham Palace, world leaders including Justin Trudeau and Emanuel Macron were caught gossiping about President Trump. Trump was so upset he canceled a press conference and left NATO early. He said, 'Take me back where I'm respected.' And then he flew home where he's being impeached."
—Jimmy Fallon
"Even overseas, your racist uncle will still show up to ruin Thanksgiving dinner."
—Samantha Bee on Trump's visit to Afghanistan
"South Dakota's governor is defending a new anti-meth campaign which features the tagline "Meth: We're On It. Which isn’t as bad as North Dakota's ad campaign: "Cocaine: We Cracked It."
—Michael Che, SNL
Don’t forget: the ACA enrollment deadline for 2020 coverage ends nine days from today. If you or someone you know needs coverage via the federal exchange, make a note to get to Healthcare.gov this weekend and git ‘er done.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 6, 2019
Note: For those of you participating in the C&J Pharmaceuticals clinical trial who have suddenly sprouted a pine bough from your rectum, please report to Dr. Augenblick for a free pruning. (To speed the process, please remove your Christmas ornaments first.) —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Christmas: 19
Days 'til the Santa Skivvies Run through San Francisco’s Castro District: 2
Percent of American adults who believe other world leaders don’t respect our president, according to a CNN poll: 61%
Amount by which Maine's blueberry exports to China are expected to drop due to Trump's tariffs: 97%
Number of packages that are stolen or go missing every day, mostly due to "porch pirates," according to NBC News: 1.7 million
Percent chance that Kid Rock's Detroit restaurant license isn’t being renewed, an announcement made days after his profanity-laced onstage tirade there: 100%
Totally Random War on Christmas Score
Pagans 6 Republicans 2
(End of first quarter)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Happy birthday #7 (47 in human years, we’re told) this Sunday to C&J's rescue lab-mix and cancer survivor Haley. One of the happiest and smartest dogs we've ever had the privilege of being owned by, SBDs and all. Everyone: please enjoy the free birthday kibble casserole in the C&J cafeteria tonight (we’re putting out extra ketchup) in honor of our goofy ol' dawg from Macon, Georgia:
Happy birthday, Haley, and many blessings on your squeaky toys.
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JEERS to a very, very bad man. It's official: Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has announced that she's ordered the solemn task of drafting articles of impeachment against Donald John Trump, a name which will live in infamy in documentaries, school books, historical texts, government archives,Thomas Kincaid limited-edition collectible plates, Betty Crocker recipes, and the disappointed hearts and minds of American citizens across the nation and around the world. It's as solemn an occasion as you can ever hope to witness, and thus I shall mute my reaction by forgoing the usual triple exclamation-point kicker when I say, with all due gravitas: Yippee.
“Sadly, but with confidence and humility, with allegiance to our founders and our heart full of love for America, today, I am asking our chairmen to proceed with articles of impeachment,” Pelosi said in a brief televised statement from the Capitol, speaking directly to the American people. “The facts of Trump's alleged wrongdoing involving Ukraine,she said, "are uncontested.”
"The president abused his power for his own personal, political benefit at the expense of our national security by withholding military aid and crucial Oval Office meeting in exchange for an announcement of an investigation into his political rival,” Pelosi said, adding that his actions "seriously violated the Constitution."
"Our democracy is what's at stake," Pelosi continued." The president leaves us no choice but to act because he is trying to corrupt, once again, the election for his own benefit."
Many are concerned, and rightly so, that this might be happening too fast, and that the charges won't have enough time to marinate in the public consciousness. Perhaps. But this twitter thread presents a compelling case that Pelosi & Co. might be cooking up some strategic time management to let more evidence (coughtaxreturnscough) roll in. In the meantime, the next hearing starts in three days. The next impeachment-related Trump Twitter meltdown starts in 3….2….1…
CHEERS to unsolved mysteries…SOLVED!!! After years of undercover investigation, subpoenas upheld by the courts, closed-door hearings with the proper authorities, and hundreds of hours of audiotape (mostly just a lot of "Sploop Splorp" sounds), we finally nailed the president. Never again will he be able to stonewall or obstruct, because now the truth is out there:
Based on interviews with undocumented immigrants who worked as housekeepers for the Trump family, The Post reported that Trump “slathered on” a Swiss brand of facial makeup known as Bronx Colors. The undocumented laborers were required to make sure that three containers of the “rust colored” makeup were available in Trump’s bedroom at all times. Trump demanded that two of the makeup containers be full, while the third must be only half full.
Although I'm relieved that the nation is now in a position to move on from this period of uncertainty, I'm not terribly happy about it. Mainly because I just lost a five-dollar bet with my next-door neighbor. I put my money on Sherwin Williams "Marigold" in semi-gloss latex. But at least I won the bet over Mike Pence: 100% pure Wite-Out, baby, so pay up.
CHEERS to entering the civilized world. Well, Hallefrickinlujah. On today's date in 1865—89 years after we officially declared ourselves a nation where"all men are created equal" and 8 months after Lincoln was assassinated—the 13th Amendment to the Constitution was officially ratified, abolishing slavery and pissing off the south.
You can view the document here. 154 years later, blacks are least likely to be hired, most likely to be targeted and killed by police and “stand your grounders” (like murderer George Zimmerman) for doing nothing even remotely illegal, least likely to be in the minority among the prison population and most likely to be targeted for voter disenfranchisement by Republicans. But, on the other hand, how nice to know that blacks can now be oppressed in all those diverse ways as a free people.
CHEERS to the ex-POTUS of Steel. Pretty amazing anniversary today, and one that I don’t even think the guy celebrating it thought he'd live to see. But it was indeed four years ago that Jimmy Carter shared the good news with his Sunday School class:
Jimmy Carter's cancer is gone, the former president announced on Sunday.
Stephanie Wynn, a 12-year member of the congregation, confirmed Carter's comments to CNN. According to Wynn, Carter said he'd gone for an MRI last week, and the scan's results showed that he is cancer-free. The congregation applauded the news, she said.
Earlier this year he was back to building homes for Habitat for Humanity, but not before recovering from a broken hip and recovering from a head gash after a fall, but not after having surgery to relieve pressure on his brain and recovering from a urinary tract infection (for which he was just released from the hospital, which he exited by pole-vaulting back to Plains). Bottom line: four years later, Carter is back to doing that Carter thing he does. Namely, leaving us young'uns in his dust.
CHEERS to today's edition of "Thanks, But We Kinda Already Knew That." Courtesy of a blog called—[Squints]—Daily Kos:
John Durham, whom AG Barr hand-picked to look for a “deep state” intelligence setup to trick the FBI into investigating the Trump campaign, has told the DOJ inspector general that he has not been able to find any such connection.
This has been today's edition of "Thanks, But We Kinda Already Knew That."
JEERS to NAFTA. On December 8, 1993 the North American Free Trade Agreement was signed into law by President Clinton. It eliminates virtually all tariffs and trade restrictions between the U.S., Canada and Mexico. To celebrate, officials will commemorate its 26th anniversary by visiting U.S. manufacturing plants all across the country. And that country, of course, would be Mexico.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Remember the days when the TV had to "warm up" for like 60 seconds or more before it would even think of giving you a picture, and the channel changer went ka-CHUNK ka-CHUNK? Ha ha, good times!
For news junkies, the weekend starts tonight with Chris Hayes, Rachel Maddow and Lawrence O'Donnell making sense out of chaos on MSNBC. At 11 on BBC America, The Graham Norton Show welcomes Hillary and Chelsea Clinton. New home video releases include the"meh" final season of Game of Thrones and a collector's edition of John Carpenter's classic Big Trouble in Little China. The NBA schedule is here, the NFL schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here. Jennifer Lopez hosts SNL. Whoever juggles the most chainsaws while playing the cello and singing Puccini gets my vote during the Miss Universe Pageant Sunday evening at 7 on Fox. (Exact same criteria, by the way, that I use during the Mr. Universe Pageant and the Bouncing Baby Universe Pageant.) On 60 Minutes: how gene therapy can slow down the aging process, visiting a mysterious holy shrine, and for some reason they also felt the need to go to Adam Sandler’s boyhood home in New Hampshire??? And if you’re into people getting hit in the groin with everything under the sun, America's Funniest Home Videos kicks its 30th season in the nuts with a two-hour special (ABC).
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler SMASH!!! Plus Rep. Denny Heck (D-WA) and Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Chunky Soup Aisle).
Face the Nation: House Intelligence Committee chairman Adam Schiff SMASH!!! Plus legal eagle Neal Katyal, Rep. Mark Meadows (R-NC).
This Week: Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ); Reps. Zoe Lofgren (D-CA) and Matt Gaetz (R-FL).
CNN's State of the Union: Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler SMASH!!! Plus Reps. Joe Neguse (D-CO) and Mark Meadows (R-NC).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Rep. David Cicillene (D-RI); Secretary of Defense Bomby McBombface.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 6, 2009
CHEERS to the little engine that might. Yesterday Democrats made some progress on the health care reform bill, passing amendments to protect women's health via free mammograms and other preventive services, and approving cost-saving changes to Medicare (which the AARP approves of, so in yer face, Republican obstructionists). But the real jaw-dropper is the choice of words clickety-clacked by David Espo of the AP, who begins his report with: "Unflinching on a critical first test, Senate Democrats closed ranks Thursday." Wow—Democrats united? Really??? Holy Moses, I think I need smelling salts.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to delightfully twisted minds. Today is comedian, Oscar winner (1989 Best Short Live-Action Film for The Appointments of Dennis Jennings) and multiple Grammy nominee Steven Wright's 64th birthday. To describe him beyond the single word "deadpan" is futile, so don’t even try. Just feast on some of his brain food and feel your neurons tingle…
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Go here and you can eat the whole bag—as long as you don't mind that your stomach hurts afterward. Oh, and extra points for including a Maine lighthouse (Cape Neddick) on the home page of his website. He always did like us best.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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