I’ve almost exhausted the recently recovered files. I’ll have to carefully consider where to go from here.
This file consists of a series of thoughts that were transcribed in late 1995.
The SOC (Standards of Care for transsexual people) are guidelines, not hard and fast rules. They are meant to be flexible. If the surgeon can deal with variations that are made, then the SOC have been followed.
I personally "violated" the letter of the SOC. I was not under the care of a therapist for 3 months before starting hormones. It was only 3 weeks. My circumstances were such that my therapist, my physician, and I felt that there was no need to wait the entire 3 months. My surgeon knew of this arrangement and had no problem with it. My therapists were not "gender specialists." Some would say that my RLT (Real life test) was not really an RLT since I was known to the majority of the people in my state as being transsexual and hence was not "living in the role of the target gender," but rather living in the role of a transsexual woman. My surgeon had no problem with that either. I wrote my own letters for my therapists, at their request, since neither of them had ever written a letter in support of surgery before. They edited them a bit and signed them. I'm sure I would have been very pissed if my so-called friends told me that I did wrong. I did what was necessary. I refuse to feel apologetic for what I have done.
Nor do I feel I have to answer to anyone else. This was, after all, my life.
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Some of us do have too much "male energy." Some never lose that...some realize it eventually...some strive so hard to block it that they overcompensate the other way and become "hyperfeminine," a male conception of what a woman should be.
One has to find a middle ground where one can be oneself.
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I was pre-op when I joined OWLS (email list for lesbians over 40). I was pre-op when I joined Sappho (email list for lesbians) and when I came out to that list, I was the only out pre-op on it.
When someone who is pre-op asks me about OWLS, or #sappho in IRC for that matter, I consider that I have a decision to make: do *I* feel they belong? It's not a decision I relish, but I undertake it with due consideration for the space that person would be entering.
Transition is a period of maturation. I ask myself if, from what I know of the person, I think they have matured enough to have a sense of balance about their situation (which is something I myself have struggled with from time to time), to know what is appropriate discussion and what is perhaps not. If I think the person is not ready, but they still want to join, I ask them to see if they can get someone else to recommend/invite them. If I think they are ready, I do it. I do not take this lightly...I'm probably harder on some of the people that have asked me (about #sappho anyway) than some of the other women on the channel.
Mostly, I try to avoid the situation, because I don't like being in it.
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Most of us realize that the work to be done is necessary *before* the operation. The "lopping off" (as some people call it) is a confirmation of it. Unfortunately, one can get by without doing the work. What usually results is a very confused person who will have to learn her lessons the hard way (as if there was an easy way) if she is to become a whole person.
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I have met non-transsexual women who seem to like me, while at the same time not liking most transsexual women. Hey...there are some transsexual women I don't like either. But I don't dislike anyone because of *what* they are...only *who* they are. I believe in giving people a chance… assuming they are good people until they prove otherwise. It's how I would like to be treated as well.