From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: The Pettifoggery Stops Here Edition
"It is a pivotal day in the history of the republic. Soon we’ll find out if breaking the law is illegal. Gotta say, so far I don’t like the odds."
—Stephen Colbert
“President Trump’s campaign manager last night dismissed the coverage of the impeachment trial, saying 'It's like watching paint dry.' Y'know, like you do sometimes after you cover something up."
—Seth Meyers
"Democrats have a clear strategy in place. They believe that if they talk long enough, Mitch McConnell will eventually die of old age and they'll have a shot at a real trial, which this is not."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"The rules state that during the trial senators are not allowed to drink anything but water and milk. Or as Mitt Romney calls it: a full bar."
—Conan O'Brien
"Look, guys, we know you're going to acquit Trump, but do you really think that'll be the end? You think there won’t be any more accomplices who snitch on Trump to protect themselves, or any more journalists who dig up proof of his guilt? Even if Trump is reelected, this Ukraine story will haunt him 'til the blessed day when he's forcibly plunged out of the White House like a toilet clog."
—Samantha Bee
Come on down and splash. Sure, you may regret it soon and for the rest of your life, but dammit you took a risk and that counts for something. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 24, 2020
Note: This blog may be monitored for quality-assurance purposes. We're also monitoring your fridge. Don't eat the summer sausage.
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Iowa caucus which, due to budget cuts, will take place entirely in the gymnasium at Evans Middle School in Ottumwa: 10
Days 'til the Holtville Carrot Festival in California: 7
Amount major tech companies spent on lobbying in Washington over the last 10 years: $500 million
Number of properties owned by Accor Hotels, which is the latest chain to eliminate mini plastic toiletries from its rooms: 5,000
Number of single-use plastic items used annually at Accor's hotels: 200,000,000
Interest rate Stub Hub is charging on loans for Super Bowl ticket buyers who want to pay in monthly installments: 30%
Rank of Russell Wilson of the Seattle Seahawks on the 2020 list of highest-paid football players, at $53 million: #1
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
-
CHEERS to good omens. When mini-Trump Paul LePage became governor of Maine, the flowers died, the children cried, and darkness descended upon the land. For the next eight years, LePage and his cabinet of incompetents bullied, blundered and bullshitted our state to laughingstock status across the country. "The Mississippi of New England," they called us. But last year we righted our wrong by electing a progressive Democrat—a woman with ladyparts!—who brought maturity and civility back to our fair land. Still, we needed a sign that things had been set right, and that the fates had welcomed Maine back into the union of sane states. This week, praise Jesus, we got it. Oh, boy, did we:
There was much rejoicing. And we have a pretty good feeling that the flowers are going to bloom again this spring.
JEERS to the gallery of rogues. It can't be said enough how brilliantly the Democratic impeachment managers have presented an airtight, open-and-shut case against President Trump for abusing his power and obstructing justice. The facts are clear and overwhelming. The president's sinister, un-American plot to enlist Ukraine's help to rig the 2020 election with your taxpayer dollars is plain for all to see. And after feeling the cascade of evidence rain down on them like God's tears after watching the Patriots lose to the Titans, C&J asked some of the presumably-gobsmacked Republican senators to describe the experience that has surely changed their minds in favor of conviction:
"Have you ever played with a fidget spinner? Omigod they are so amazing how they go 'round and 'round and such."
"I finally got around to reading Beach Music by Pat Conroy. It's a page-turner."
"Look—I drew a pitchure of dogs playing with a bone."
"There's a water stain on the ceiling. Someone should call maintenance."
“Church...steeple...open the doors...see all the people! They’re my fingers, see?”
"I love lamp!"
“Og.”
A republic. If we can keep it.
JEERS to little misunderstandings. On tomorrow’s date in 1995, the Norwegians fired a scientific rocket called a Black Brant XII into the air, and the Russians thought it might actually be an American Trident missile launched from a sub. What happened next was so hilarious…
As a result, fearing a high altitude nuclear attack that could blind Russian radar, Russian nuclear forces were put on high alert...and the nuclear weapons command suitcase was brought to Russian president Boris Yeltsin.
[He] then had to decide whether or not to launch a retaliatory nuclear strike against the United States.
The Norwegian rocket incident was the first and only incident where any nuclear weapons state had its nuclear briefcase activated and prepared for launching an attack.
How lucky was the world on January 25, 1995? Let me put it this way: the incident happened on the one day of his presidency when Boris Yeltsin wasn't drunk. That lucky.
CHEERS to second chances. If 2020 hasn't gotten off to a good enough start for ya, here's your opportunity for a do-over. Tomorrow marks the start of the Chinese New Year. Specifically, the year of the rat:
Years: 1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008, 2020
Positives: Rats are quick-witted, resourceful, and smart but lack courage. With rich imaginations and sharp observations, they can take advantage of various opportunities well.
Negatives: Due to a lack of courage, as well as good command skills, they are not capable of being leaders. Opportunistic and picky as male Rats are, they do not have broad minds but take a narrow view of things.
Most Compatible with: Dragon, Rabbit, Ox.
I checked and, amazingly, Mitch McConnell is not a rat. He was born in 1942, which makes him a part of the horse family. Guess which part?
CHEERS to old soldiers. Sunday is General Douglas MacArthur's 140th birthday. After destroying the Japanese forces during World War II, he gained their respect as Military Governor of Japan, but then he became too much of a loose cannon over Korea and got fired by President Harry Truman. Afterward...
There was an unsuccessful attempt by Republicans to have him run for President in 1952, but he deferred, and the nomination went to General of the Army Dwight D. Eisenhower.
After retirement, he became Chairman of the Board for the Remington Rand Corporation, and spent his remaining years in NYC, speaking out on public issues.
His final address, in January 1962, to the graduating class at West Point is considered one of his finest speeches.
Pay your respects here. In his farewell address to Congress, MacArthur said that old soldiers never die, they just fade away. Thanks to the size of his ego, he'll finish fading sometime during the next ice age.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Very disappointed that our weekly roundup of what’s on the weekend TV schedule failed to win a single Oscar nomination. But we muddle on anyway, bruised ego and all.
After MSNBC’s Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow finish taking their salad-tossing tongs to the Friday news dumps (assuming the impeachment trial is done for the day), Bill Maher talks with Megyn Kelly, Alex Wagner, Ingrid Newkirk, Ambassador Michael McFaul, and right-wing asshole Erick Erickson (RedState). New home video releases include the Jay & Silent Bob reboot that didn’t get horrible reviews, and Antonio Banderas' Oscar-nominated turn in Pain and Glory. The NBA schedule is here. The NHL All-Star Game, sponsored by the American Dental Association, is tomorrow night at 8 on NBC. And the NFL Pro Bowl between the AFC and NFC is Sunday afternoon on ABC.
Adam Driver hosts SNL. Sunday night John Williams will win his 429th Grammy Award (just kidding—actually it’s only his 230th) and Michelle Obama will likely win her first Best Spoken Word Grammy Award at the—[checks notes]—Grammy Awards on CBS. And if you're in the mood for some real unfiltered jerkitude, there's a new episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm Sunday night on HBO. And as for the you-know-who impeachment trial this weekend…
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Lead impeachment manager Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA); Sens. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) and Mike Braun (R-Moscow).
This Week: Trump impeachment trial lawyer Robert Ray (R-Moscow).
Face the Nation: Impeachment trial manager Rep. Jason Crow (D-CO); Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Moscow); “A Stable Genius” co-author Phil Rucker; new CBS News 2020 polling results.
CNN's State of the Union: Impeachment trial manager Rep. Zoe Lofgren (D-CA); Robert Ray
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Andrew Yang and Alan Dershowitz. (Hopefully on Harleys in a giant ball-shaped steel cage with maces.)
Happy viewing!
-
Ten years ago in C&J: January 24, 2010
JEERS to turbulence. Saddled with over $26 billion in debt, Japan Airlines has filed for bankruptcy protection. Among other painful actions, some of their routes will be discontinued. A company spokesperson says everyone should remain calm. Passengers planning to fly those routes will be issued refunds, and those currently in flight will be given a courtesy parachute and a complimentary beverage.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to the land down under. Hit it...
-
Happy Australia Day 2020. (It’s Saturday over there by now, right?) Boy, we're pulling for you to come through these bush fires with your sanity intact. Hang in there, and give a koala a hug for us. But our usual warning still stands: if you come near me with anything resembling vegemite, I'm calling in Seal Team 6.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-