Healing deep wound of the mind.
I have been subject to mental abuse all of my life. up until about 5 years ago when the person that did that abuse passed away. I suffer from low esteem and lack self cofedence because of the 53 years the abuse took place over. We all have our reasons to be damaged. Mine was inflicted by my own mother who I now believe had Borderline Personality Disorder. She was just as broken as I became from the way she was raised in the south during the depression and Chemical imbalances in her body from mail nutrition and other geological conditions and abuse from her father.
My mother could be a sweet and caring person one minute and become a total demon the next. she used money to control many aspects of my life from when I was very small until as late as just 6 years ago. She I believe had a deep fear of abandonment and a need to control people so they would not leave her. When I found the love of my life nearly 30 years ago she became even more demanding upon me and even more cruel.
As a young man getting ready to get out of high school I was overweight thanks to her demanding I eat big meals and when I tried to lose weight to fulfill one of my lifelong dreams and go into the Airforce she ambushed me every chance she had. In what I believe was a defense mechanism for her fear of abandonment. I never did get to the weight I needed to be at to go into the service thanks to the embedded eating habits she caused.
I had dated girls but my mother was always getting in the way of me pursuing a relationship. Always causing issues with me by causing me to miss dates at the last minute or hearing me making plans and then the next day she made plans for a trip out of state to see family. My self-confidence was sinking. I actually began to fear getting into a relationship or even trying to start one.
Until I was introduced to my wife by a friend.
It was then that I grew a set and fought back against my Mother and worked at the relationship. Hiding things from her. Going on so-called trips with friends from my scouting years or with friends from work. And meeting up with my girlfriend at a motel near the college she attended. She then moved back closer to home and that made meeting simpler.
When we found out that what would become my wife was with child she was furious and call the girl everything but a white woman to even stating that what in her mind was the worse insult she could make saying that the child was not mine but from a black man. My wife had not ever even had a black male friend nor had she ever been with a black male sexually. I and one other white male had been the only men she had been with. But then at the same time that she was saying all this to me she went out and purchased me a home to raise my family in. Over the years she did many things to help me and my wife but was always degrading her and me.
Up until the night before she died, she continued the abuse against me and my wife. once she was dead I felt like a great burden was lifted off my soul. I was sad she had died but then I did not truly greave her death. I still struggle with how I did not greave for my mother. I greaved when my father passed less than a year later and still do to this day. I still struggle with those mixed feelings and have worked hard with my therapist on that and I still work at healing the wounds she left deep in my soul. Those wounds were a contributor to the end of my marriage. That plus 3 traumatic brain injuries and PTSD did not help.
This week My Ex-Wife sent me a book on Kendle that is helping me understand . And why my mother did what she did. It is helping me heal some of the scars she left on me. And I thank My Ex-wife for sending the book. As one of my online profiles says “I'm evolving” well yes I am as I heal and try to rebuild my life into a productive life where I have the confidence and self-esteem that I have lacked.