Back in late July of this year, I sat sat in my car and started the engine and waited for the car to warm up. The difference this time was that I intentionally left the garage door closed. And I sat and waited. I waited to die.
If it hadn’t been for my husband making an unexpected return because of a forgotten check that needed to be mailed, I most likely wouldn’t be here any longer. Subsequent “virtual” outpatient hospitalization, counseling and medications have certainly taken the edge off, but not completely muffled that underlying sense of despair.
I had been slowly unravelling since early March when COVID and shutdowns began to personally rip at the fabric of my life and my business. Forced to close two of our three locations and lose nearly 80% of our income put horrifying strain on our financial well-being, and our relationship. Laying people off was like having a knife plunged slowly into my heart with each and every conversation, for these people were like family and had been with us since the very beginning. We were proud to be able to say we had had zero turnover our entire 7 years since opening , yet here we were in a room awash in a sea of tears, facing those we cared so much about and ripping the rug out from underneath them.
Navigating the PA PUA system for assistance was another nightmare that added to the dread and despair. Working to be approved for a minimal amount just to eat was a degrading process, with two stoppages in payments because of audits performed by a completely overwhelmed and understaffed system to be certain I was not perpetrating fraud was demoralizing, and dragged out in both cases for weeks.
And so with both business and personal creditors coming after us due to lack of income, our only option was to begin the bankruptcy process which we find ourselves trying to navigate due to court slowdowns and backlogs from cases just like ours, yet our lawyer finds it amazing how creditors seem to be able to fast-track judgements and liens, slowly eating at our legal defenses, yet we are pushed out for filing and processing our case until late 2020 or early 2021.
The proverbial cherry on top was the emotional exhaustion of the past four years and the constant onslaught of lies and ugliness coming from those in power.
I feel like I don’t know what reality is any longer and this election cycle isn’t helping me or my emotional well-being.
How could I be so wrong about my fellow Americans?
What am I missing that these other people are seeing that draws them to a person like Trump? A man who has shattered normalcy and lies brazenly every day, yet they celebrate it like he is a human firewall for their ignorance and hatred?
How can these people see something positive in watching their fellow Americans dying by the hundred of thousands from a disease they refuse to believe in, even now?
why are they choosing a path that will destroy Democracy and its institutions, yet claim to be patriots protecting the very thing they are bent upon suffocating the death?
How can I keep fighting the good fight when I can barely fight my own despair?
What happens now?
I am tired guys and gals. I am so very tired. I don’t have it in me anymore to fight this. I am not as strong as many of you here I suppose and I am beating myself up for that too. Thank you for picking up the slack, because I can’t do it any longer.