I visited an elderly man I know who was a pilot in Korea and Vietnam! He said, I've never been the same after going to war, I keep looking for that young man I was, before I had to make life and death decisions! Decisions that brought about the death of others, it weighs heavy on your soul to think you might be responsible for someone else’s demise! I just listened to him as we sat out in the sun, he in a wheelchair, I feeling the warmth of the advent of spring.
March 20, 2018, Kirkland Life Center, Kirkland Washington
Kirkland Life Center has become famous; it was very strange to see what I wrote above two years ago, pop up during this time. Every time I see that nursing home on the news I think of Don, he’s the elderly man, he passed away on January 8th, in a nursing home in Chicago with his daughter by his side. Fortunately I was able to talk to him that day and tell him I loved him and that if I was there I’d be holding his hand, placing a wet washcloth on his forehead to help him with his journey. Maybe now he can find the young man he was, before he went to war.
We’re now in somewhat of a war with a virus, a somewhat of an invisible enemy. Some of us are asked to make life and death decisions if we are around those more vulnerable, do we go to the store, what?
I think for me that’s been the biggest conundrum, agonizing about those that are more vulnerable, the elderly and immune compromised. I’m not worried about myself and whether or not I’m healthy enough to battle this virus. This past Saturday my sister, Gail, came home from her 12 hour day in the ER, where she’s a social worker. She came home and was holding two of those bright green PULSE forms, have you filled out one of these, if not you better. That said it all for me; those chartreuse do not or do, resuscitate forms. I almost know with certainty that Clyde, our step-father would not be able to handle this virus. Gail and I are taking care of Clyde who’s 89 with Parkinson’s , no longer able to care for himself, how would I feel if I inadvertently gave him this virus, would it weigh heavy on my soul to think I might be responsible for his demise? He’s basically self-quarantined himself for 6 years, since my mother passed away; he’s a pro at this self-quarantining stuff. I’ve watched as Parkinson’s has taken bit by bit every ounce of pride and pleasure away from him. Yet I’ve also watched how he’s dealt with it, with such dignity, never feeling sorry for himself, always grateful and thankful. Some could say he’s just waiting to die, how could life be worth living like that, how many tennis matches and basketball games can you watch on television, day after day, month after month. I don’t know if we have the right to judge what makes life worth living? To determine who is to live and who is to die. Yet we do, all the time, by our policies, by choices made who gets healthcare and who doesn’t, which country we choose to place stipulations on because they had the gall to want to determine their own destiny, embargos of medicine and here we are scrambling and begging for ventilators, such an irony. Maybe Cuba will send us some much needed extra medical personnel?
So that’s been my greatest conundrum in all of this, being responsible for the demise of someone else. I pray that Clyde will be granted one of those quick and easy deaths when the time comes, that he’ll go to sleep and not wake up, he deserves that kind of a death after all these years of struggling with Parkinson’s. I’m not sure what death looks like with COVID19, but it doesn’t sound pretty. Clyde’s bound and determined not to go to the hospital, to live out his life at home, surrounded by collage photographs of the love of his life, my mom.
When I came to that conclusion, then I wondered why it was so difficult to get a test. There’s no way I can stay six feet away from Clyde, I have to help him change his pants, hand him his pills, wheel him in his wheelchair, feed him three times a day, give him a shower and his last pleasure in life, smoking, I now have to put the cigarette in his mouth and light it for him. In the last week he slipped out of his bed in the morning three times and I had to get him up and into his wheelchair. Those that care for the elderly whether it be family or a job can find it very stressful. Now you top that off with wondering if you’re going to pass on a virus that most likely will kill them, but unless you have symptoms you can’t get a test.
That doesn’t make sense to me, that we’re turning this economy upside down, having people stay at home and those that are staying at home with someone who most likely would need a ventilator can’t be tested to make sure they’re not asymptomatic or in the early stages of this virus and passing it on to them. Why can’t we call up the military to fight this invisible enemy and set up testing sites? Where are those tests for the states that yet have been overtaken with this invisible enemy? There are empty storefronts all over the place and now empty restaurants and bars. If we’re all in this together when are we together going to figure out how to battle this enemy who seems to have done more damage to this country than any terrorist group has ever been able to do, we’re showing how weak we really are, not strong and capable.
You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to realize how deadly this virus is, when I first heard back in January that China shut down a city the size or bigger than Seattle, I knew we were in trouble, that you don’t just shut down a city unless you have no choice. If I knew that then, why didn’t those in power know and plan accordingly? Here we are, where are the tests, where are the ventilators, where are the masks? I collect masks and hang them on my wall, I used to tell my niece who was afraid of the masks on the wall, that a mask on the wall is less frightening because that means someone took it off, I’d much rather see a mask on my wall then worn by someone. I think those in power are wearing all the masks instead of making sure our first responders, doctors, nurses and ER social workers have them. I would give them my masks to wear but they’re not the right kind.
“I keep looking for that young man I was, before I had to make life and death decisions! Decisions that brought about the death of others, it weighs heavy on your soul to think you might be responsible for someone else’s demise!”
Tests, tests, tests!