NOTE: I am on my last nerve here, so if you are tempted to tell me how I should feel or behave, I have a piece of advice : DON'T. Please, just don't. Many of you don't know me, but I ran into "helpful" people here telling me how to.handle my husband's open heart surgery in 2014. I wasn't nice.
Let me give you background info. In 1984, when I was 34, my first husband who was 29 and in apparently perfect health ( martial artist, could fence for two hours without breaking a sweat or getting winded), dropped dead of cardiac tamponade due to an undiagnosed heart condition. Losing a dearly loved spouse/partner is the worst that can happen. And before you tell me that you lost a parent, so you know-- you don't. I buried the grandparents who.lived with us my entire life, my grandmother a month before my husband, and both parents in their 80s. It is completely different. Vastly different, exponentially worse. When he was in the hospital, it put me back.in that dark place. I had decided that If he died, I would rehome our cats and follow him.Because I just didn't see a point. We had to.file for bankruptcy and lost our home to.foreclosure. I had no.support network in GA. Dying made sense. There are only so.many times you can start over and rebuild a life. I had reached my limits. I never told that here, but that was where I was.
If you feel.the need to tell me how to.handle this, I will probably give in to.the impulse to give you a verbal slap down so hard your ancestors will feel it, along with any offspring you hope to have. I am that worn down from sorrow and worry and fear because I am terrified of losing my second husband of 31 years.
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Why am.I so.worried? So, well, honestly panic-stricken? Why don't we just isolate and stay safe?
Not everyone has that luxury. We don't.
I am 70. He is 63. He had a quintuple bypass 6 years ago, and has diabetes. He works for Walmart, 40 hours a week, distributing groceries to people who order online. It is heavy labor. There are "pickers" who gather the groceries which go.into totes more than twice the size of the ones you use when you only have a few items. The average order is 14 totes, but can go.as high as 22. Lately 20 to 25 totes has been the norm. Carrying those suckers out is brutal,backbreaking physical.labor that tires out even the 20 something's he works with. He does it because without his pay ($13 minimum.wage here in MA means he does get paid better than folks in GA or Arkansas or AL) we have $1600 a month between his Navy pension and my Social. Security. Rent is half of that amount. Whatever is left over would have to cover everything else.
Then there is the fact that we lost everthing to scam movers run by the Russian Mob. We arrived here with two.suitcases and our cats. All our furniture, clothing artwork, photos, books, EVERYTHING was gone. We have had to.replace it all, one room.at a time. Slept on deflating air mattresses and the floor for a year, not good for me because I have back.issues I was born with. Our old car had to have its engine replaced last spring; it took our tax return, his paycheck and my SS to.cover the c ost. It developed more problems in October, so we replaced it. If we lose his paycheck, we lose our car because that would leave us without internet, cable, and phone service-- or living on rice and beans.
So every damned day he gets up, goes to work,,and interacts with customers who.mostly adore him( one couple drives from.CONNECTICUT, 90 minutes away)vbecause of him). He is exposed to god knows what. He uses cheap.aas gloves, but even if masks were available, I.doubt Wal-Mart would allowsd them to.use them for optics reasons. The CEO.couldn't care less about his workers. They have marginal paid sick leave and would have to.use vacation time when it runs out, and Wal-Mart would likely fire them.
He has had one customer who thinks she was exposed via caring for her elderly Mom.in.assisted living. She wore a mask, stayed 6 feet away, and didn't touch anyone. Not all his customers would be that considerate. The 90/10 rule applies. 90% are reasonably nice. Half the 10% are either wonderful or horrible. The horrible ones feel.entitled, treat the workers like dog poop, and would likely expose them just because of they are too.dumb to.realize they have it. This is a very rural.area, rather redneck, and was carried by Trump by a narrow margin, so, yeah, dumb as the afore-mentioned dog poop.
And there is Covid19 in my county.
So, yes, this is what it feels like when you are in the group.most likely to die, and when your spouse is too, besides of having pre-existing conditions. You swallow the fear and don't let it show to him because you don't want to add to his burden.
How seriously am I taking the the threat? I.sat down and created a playlist for my.memorial.service. I plan to dig up.the handful of readings, poetry by Yeats and Donne. Just in case. We also discussed finances just in case. I would have enough from.his pension and Social Security which I would take over my.pittance, plus his insurance from.the Navy. I could survive on it. I know he wants his ashes scattered at sea, and we need to talk.about how to get that done. I want mine scattered at Land's End in ME or the Eastern Promenade in Portland ME. Yes, I have been planning memorials. Because it could happen.
And that, folks, is what love is like when you are old and working poor and need a job. This is the harsh reality Trump.has put us in. Older people planning funerals and figuring out if they will.have enough.money to.survive on if they lose a partner.
Thank you, Donald, First of His Name, in the Game of Thrones world we now inhabit.
Anyone know where I can find a black.Dragon for a starting run over Mar-a-Lago? I am not a Targaryen, but I have a,Wizard Earl, an alchemist, and a Fay Queen in my Fitzgerald bloodline which is pretty close. If I.must die for the economy as Glen Beck and the idiot LT. Governor think I should, I.might as well.take a few billionaires and Republicans with me when I.go to the Summerlands, or at least as my vanguard in Hell.
P.S. Don't whinge about my typos. I am a terrible typist. Two master's degrees. Taught college English. Have published short stories in award-winning anthologies. I.just cannot type, period.