Life Lessons and Other Bon Mots from May Birthday Kids
“When you were born, you were crying and everyone else was smiling. Live your life so at the end you're the one who is smiling and everyone else is crying.”
—Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Seems like a good time to remind everyone that Donald Trump votes by mail."
—Senator Ron Wyden (D-OR)
Continued...
May birthdays continued...
"I know those challenges that come up from time to time in life are our little learning tools, our little stepping stones. If we didn't have those things in our life, how would we learn anything? We would just be walking around like nothing. We need those obstacles in our life because I know one thing—I'm a much better person for them."
—Gladys Knight
"This crisis is putting a spotlight on the longstanding disparities across our country, including the lack of access to affordable child care, high-speed internet, and paid sick leave. And our goal isn’t to get back to normal—it’s to achieve a more just society for everyone."
—Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN)
“I was born very far from where I'm supposed to be, and so I'm on my way home.”
—Bob Dylan
“The reason I made women's issues central to American foreign policy was not because I was a feminist, but because we know that societies are more stable if women are politically and economically empowered.”
—Secretary of State Madeleine Albright
"When the Republican candidate inscribes the slogan Down With Socialism on the banner of his 'great crusade,' that is really not what he means at all. What he really means is, 'Down with Progress—down with Franklin Roosevelt's New Deal and down with Harry Truman's Fair Deal.' That is what he means."
—President Harry Truman
“All men are created equal. No matter how hard they try, they can never erase those words. That is what America is about.”
—Harvey Milk
“To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair.”
—Tina Fey
To all of the above and those in our Daily Kos community who made another trip around the sun this month: happy birthday and many blessings on your camels.
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, May 28, 2020
Note: Today's virtual commencement address, Honesty and Integrity: Your Road Map to Success, has been cancelled on account of the speaker began serving a ten-year prison sentence this morning for embezzlement. In his place will be a monkey playing the accordion.
—The Dean, via Zoom
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til National Cancer Survivor's Day: 10
Date on which the Covid-19 pandemic reached 100,000 U.S. deaths: 5/27/20
Amount that Hertz paid its top executives in bonuses before declaring bankruptcy: $16 million
Amount by which global alcohol sales are expected to drop this year, according to IWSR Drinks Market Analysis, due to declines in restaurant and travel-related sales: 12%
Growth in alcohol sales in the U.S. between mid-March and mid-May compared to the same period a year ago: 26%
Current unemployment rate in Nevada, the worst in the country, followed by Michigan at 23% and Indiana at 16.9%: 28%
Factor by which Google searches for "bread recipes" increased in March, according to Harper's Index: 3.3
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
I hate to raise such an ugly possibility, but have you considered lunacy as an explanation? Craziness would make a certain amount of sense.
I mean, you announce you are going to militarize the Mexican border, but you assure the president of Mexico you are not militarizing the border. You announce you are sending the National Guard, but then you assure everyone it's not very many soldiers and just for a little while.
Militarizing the border is a totally terrible idea. Do we have a State Department? Are they sentient? How much do you want to infuriate Mexico when it's sitting on quite a bit of oil? Bush knows what the most likely outcome of this move will be. He was governor during the political firestorm that ensued when a Marine taking part in anti-drug patrols on the border shot and killed Esequiel Hernandez, an innocent goat-herder from Redford, Texas.
That's the definition of crazy—repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting a different result.
—May 2006
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Puppy Pic of the Day: "Urp."
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JEERS to staying put. Bad news from mission control: because Eric Trump wandered onto the launch pad and got his head stuck in one of the Falcon 9's engines, yesterday's historic launch from Cape Canaveral had to be scrubbed. (There was also bad weather in the area, which didn’t help.) The SpaceX Crew Dragon capsule carrying astronauts Bob Behnken and Doug Hurley powered down a little after 4pm and everyone went and joined Governor DeSantis for a pool party already in progress—the new era of manned space flight from American soil delayed, gosh darn it. We're very sorry to bring you this news, so here's a little something to restore a sense of wonder to your morning, compliments of the Slo-Mo Guys:
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We’re told that the next launch window is Saturday afternoon. If you see Donald Trump scowling from his viewing booth, you’ll know he’s pissed at missing a coveted weekend tee time. Stupid space history ruins everything.
CHEERS to equality in America the equal. I don’t know what you people are talking about with all this “calling the cops on people just cuz they're black” stuff. Sure, privileged dunderheaded white people have called the cops on African-Americans for buying a tomato while black…waiting for someone at Starbucks while being black…being in Walmart while black…eating at a lunch counter while black…standing in their own yard while black…and, most recently, jogging while black, bird watching while black, and breathing while black. Yes, yes, yes, the list is shockingly long. But let’s not blow this out of proportion, people. To demonstrate that all these “doing something innocent while black” claims are just outliers, C&J offers this complete and exhaustive list of activities black people have engaged in without having the cops called on them by a petrified white person:
» Juggling bowling pins while standing on a board balanced on top of a beach ball
» Floating over the Grand Canyon in a blimp
» Fan dancing
» Brewing a pot of tea in a safe room
» Trimming the wicks in a lighthouse
» Playing bagpipes in the Catskills
» Eating Swedish meatballs
» Solving a Rubik’s Cube
» Hosting a Tupperware party
See? That’s a huge list. What a wonderful, tolerant world. This cheer has been sponsored by the American Society of Clueless White People: telling black people to just calm down since 2020 2018 2016 2000 1982 1960 1925 1858 1776.
JEERS to petty stooges. In a proud moment for the Republican party, forty-eight years ago today, in 1972, the White House "plumbers" hit the Democratic National Headquarters at the Watergate Hotel, setting in motion a series of events that would lead to Nixon's resignation in disgrace. The first clue that the plumbers were fake: their bill was reasonable.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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Happy Infrastructure Week. Again.
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to your Thursday edition of Today's Comforting Words from Donald J. Trump. As the death toll from the coronavirus pandemic soars past 100,000 in the United States, we've reserved this space for President of the United States to say something kind, empathetic, inspiring or, at minimum, simply relatable to the American people in this difficult time:
Oh well. Maybe tomorrow. This has been your Thursday edition of Today's Comforting Words from Donald J. Trump.
CHEERS to affairs of states. During this week in 1790, Rhode Island became the 13th original colony to ratify the U.S.Constitution. And in late May of 1848, Wisconsin became the 30th state to become "one of U.S." (See what I did there? Huh? Huh? Abbreviation wordplay!) In the C&J cafeteria today, we offer the best of both states: hot wieners with cheese, snail salad with cheese, jonnycakes with cheese, and coffee milk with cheese. Add 50 cents for extra cheese.
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 28, 2010
CHEERS to lofty ambitions. When I was 13, my biggest goal in life was to convince my parents to PLEEEEASE let me go see Star Wars for the twelfth time. When he was 13, Californian Jordan Romero's biggest goal in life was to conquer Mount Everest. I failed. He succeeded. It's not fair.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to today’s pop quiz. No peeking or Googling—if you try to cheat, I’ve inserted malware that will make your computer or smartphone start playing a never-ending loop of It’s A Small World After All, so fair warning. Here’s the question: who was the first senior Trump official—aka rat on the sinking ship—to flee the White House three years ago this week? Here’s a pleasant musical interlude while you’re thinking it over…
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If you said Communications Director Michael Dubke, you win! Since that fateful day a mere 3 months and ten days after the stable genius who “only hires the best people” took the oath, the revolving door has spun so fast that even Rachel Maddow gave up adding new names to her giant Departures Board. (Hey, Mr. Smithsonian: you should put that in the massive failure section of the American History Museum.) Today the only people left are the ones who are, ironically enough, “resigned” to the fact that Trump is the godfather and they’re all just minions taking turns hosing him down with spray-on tan, fetching his cheeseburgers, and clipping his toenails. Golly, if I get any more bored with all the winning I’m gonna end up in a coma until November 3rd. On second thought, I kinda like the sound of that.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
As he headed into Memorial Day weekend, Bill in Portland Maine complained that he was Daily Kos’s biggest victim. “He was just in a fucking rage,” said Maudlin late last week. “He was saying, ‘This is so unfair to me! Everything was going great. We were splashing in the kiddie pool!”
—VanityFair
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