Unnecessary Censorship
As long as there have been books, there have been tightasses trying to ban them, and American tightasses are among the most obnoxious, Jesus-freaked, and delicate-fee-fee’d tightasses in the civilized world. There were 377 cases of attempted book banning in 2019 (over 12,647 over the last 38 years), which is why an important group has designated this Banned Books Week:
Banned Books Week is an annual event celebrating the freedom to read. Banned Books Week was launched in 1982 in response to a sudden surge in the number of challenges to books in schools, bookstores and libraries. Typically held during the last week of September, it highlights the value of free and open access to information.
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Banned Books Week brings together the entire book community—librarians, booksellers, publishers, journalists, teachers, and readers of all types—in shared support of the freedom to seek and to express ideas, even those some consider unorthodox or unpopular.
Banned Books Week 2020 will be held September 27– October 3. The theme of this year’s event proclaims “Censorship Is A Dead End. Find your freedom to read!”
By focusing on efforts across the country to remove or restrict access to books, Banned Books Week draws national attention to the harms of censorship.
The top 5 banned books last year were (cue the sound of conservative Christians grinding their teeth): George by Alex Gino; Beyond Magenta: Transgender Teens Speak Out by Susan Kuklin; A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo by Jill Twiss, illustrated by EG Keller; Sex is a Funny Word by Cory Silverberg, illustrated by Fiona Smyth; and Prince & Knight by Daniel Haack, illustrated by Stevie Lewis. Kudos to you all, you’re definitely worth reading.
See the various events scheduled for this week here. So far Trump hasn’t called for any book bannings or burnings. He may be dumb as rocks and more corrupt than Al Capone, but I'll give him credit for one thing: he's smart enough to know not to mess with librarians.
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, September 28, 2020
Note: Candy corn is Baby Jesus’s tears of joy. No proof, really...it just makes sense.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Biden-Trump debate: 1
Percent of Biden supporters and Trump cultists, respectively, polled by ABC News-WaPost, who say the opening on the Supreme Court makes it more important to them that their candidate wins the presidency: 64%, 37%
Estimated number of people, according to the ACLU, who can't vote this year because of the patchwork of state felony disenfranchisement laws that leave them out of the democratic process: 5.8 million
Percent of American Millennials (18-36) who hold a "biblical worldview"—i.e. God is the all-powerful Creator of the universe and stills rules it today; Satan is real; the Bible is accurate in all of its teachings—according to a study released by the Cultural Research Center at Arizona Christian University: 2%
Percent of population 56 and older who have a biblical worldview: 9%
Amount the U.S. economy has lost since 2000 because of discrimination against Black citizens in areas like education and access to business loans, according to a Citigroup study: $16 billion
Number of New York Metro workers who were suspended for building a secret man cave under Grand Central Station: 3
Totally Random NFL Score
New England 36 Las Vegas 20
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Monday morning commute…
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CHEERS to peepers protection. As a public service to you, our dear C&J reader, once a year we conduct a simple vision test to make sure your eyeballs are functioning the way they should be, thus making for a more enjoyable blogging experience. So, if you would, please read the words on this chart officially authorized by the National Ophthalmological Society:
Yes, that’s correct. It says: “The Republican President Is Fucked.” Your eyes are perfect! You’re good to go for another year. Please enjoy a complimentary lollipop from the reception desk.
JEERS to our new sadist on the bench. Over the weekend the impeached, headed-to-prison-in-2021 president announced his replacement for Ruth Bader Ginsburg on the Supreme Court. Here's what we know about Amy Coney Barrett:
» Born on the planet Orpglorb-7 three million years ago, upon which she immediately ate her parents, siblings and attending physicians
» Spent several thousand years educating herself in the ways of catastrophic death and destruction as a radioactive fungus-kraken hybrid
» Worked up the ranks of Orpglorb government, becoming Director of Suffering and Pain, where she was awarded the coveted Beating Heart Ripped From The Chest And Shown To The Victim Award
» Signed an authorization that vaporized several planets devoted to peace and harmony so she could use the residual debris to launch her own Echoes of Their Screams jewelry line
» Prefers to go by her nickname: Madam Finger Lightning
» Mother of 16,000 hatchlings, all of whom she ate at birth
» Hobbies include Armageddon management, non-anesthesia abdominal surgery, and bursting out of unsuspecting neighbors' chests
Ha Ha, just kidding. She's much worse: Federalist Society.
CHEERS to G-d's Amazing 25-Hour Miracle Diet. The Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur started at sundown yesterday (which in Maine is, like, 6 O'clock now) and continues through today. According to C&J's go-to guide, Torah Tots…
Yom Kippur is a Shabbat...no work can be performed on Yom Kippur.
It is well-known that you are supposed to refrain from eating and drinking (even water) on Yom Kippur. It is a complete, 25+ hour fast beginning before sunset on the evening before Yom Kippur and ending after nightfall on the day of Yom Kippur. The Talmud also specifies additional restrictions: washing and bathing, anointing one's body (with cosmetics, perfumes, etc.), marital relations and wearing leather shoes.
The holiday is a somber one during which Jews confess their sins and seek forgiveness over the course of a day. That's why I'm not Jewish—I'd barely get started before the closing buzzer went off.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to keeping track of America’s fugliest numbers. While Trump and McConnell continued piloting their SCOTUS nomination steamroller over all that is just and good in America, the mighty Covid-19 Wurlitzer played on (33 million cases around the globe now, with over 20 percent of them in the U.S.). Our Monday tradition of maintaining a benchmark of the awfulness for the C&J historical record continues. Let’s check the most depressing tote board in the world as our death toll now approaches the population of America’s 109th-largest city Birmingham, Alabama:
20 weeks ago: 1.4 million confirmed cases. 80,000 deaths.
10 weeks ago: 3.8 million confirmed cases, 143,000 deaths
5 weeks ago: 5.8 million confirmed cases, 180,000 deaths
This morning: 7.3 million confirmed cases, 209,000 deaths
And in other covid news, Florida Governor Ron DeSuperspreader has officially given the green light for the entire state to become a giant maskless covid bump-and-grind beer & titties pool party, while banning local governments from spoiling all the fun by imposing their own stupid "life saving" "regulations." Up yonder in the hereafter, God sighed as He logged on and placed another mega-order of bunk beds from Ikea.
CHEERS to order in the courts. Some clear-eyed action by the Knights of the Oaken Gavel in recent days as they pour the hot lead of justice from their parapets onto the heads of the schemers trying to bring down Castle Democracy:
Staffing Fraud A federal judge ruled Friday that [Bureau of Land Management acting director William Perry Pendley] has been serving unlawfully, blocking him from continuing in the position in the latest pushback against the administration’s practice of filling key positions without U.S. Senate approval. The ruling came after Montana’s Democratic governor in July sued to remove Pendley, saying the former oil industry attorney was illegally overseeing an agency that manages almost a quarter-billion acres of land, primarily in the U.S. West.
Voting Rights Less than three weeks before early voting begins in Texas, a U.S. district judge has blocked the state from eliminating straight-ticket voting as an option for people who go to the polls this November. In a ruling issued late Friday, U.S. District Judge Marina Garcia Marmolejo cited the coronavirus pandemic, saying the elimination of the voting practice would “cause irreparable injury” to voters “by creating mass lines at the polls and increasing the amount of time voters are exposed to COVID-19.”
2020 Census [US District Judge Lucy Koh] ruled late Thursday night that national counting for the 2020 census can continue through October 31. … The National Urban League and several other groups, including the city of Los Angeles, had sued the government, asking for a preliminary injunction to block the government from concluding the count on September 30. …Los Angeles' City Attorney Mike Feuer said the injunction was a major win for amore accurate Census count in a statement released after the stay was issued.
And this just in: Eric Trump has to show up next week in front of a judge in New York and explain why crimes seem to follow him around like the perennial dirt swirling around Pig-Pen. The judge's first words to Eric will be: "Place your right hand on the Bible." The judge's next words to Eric will be: "No, your other right hand."
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 28, 2010
JEERS to unequal treatment. Here's another example of the oft-used phrase, "It's Okay If You're A Republican." Two years ago, President Obama announced he was ordering his departments to cut $100 million, admitting it was a small and mostly-symbolic gesture to set the tone for the new administration. Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell pounced on it as meaningless. And yet, when promoting the GOP's new "Pledge to America," one of its co-authors could only recommend cuts across the entire spectrum of federal programs that totaled—you guessed it—$100 million:
For the math challenged, [Rep. Kevin] McCarthy's proposed cuts amount to 0.01% of the federal budget, leaving 99.99% of the federal budget—including entitlements (Medicare, Social Security), defense and interest on the debt; about 80% of the budget—intact. And he won't name any non-defense discretionary programs he'd cut. Wow, is that bold or what?
Please contain your laughter. For purely selfish reasons, I want him to hear mine the loudest.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to intercepted documents. My intel squirrel Sgt. Fluffy brought back a doozy from D.C.:
From the Desk of Ronna McDaniel
This Week's RNC Motivational Action List
Sept. 28 - Oct. 4
Monday Take all the time you need to reflect on all the positive and worthwhile things you learned over the weekend from the Values Voters Summit. Spend the remaining 23 hours, 59 minutes and 55 seconds reviewing your preemptive Biden impeachment list.
Tuesday Clear your head of "stinkin' thinkin'" by picturing a happy, placid scene of illegals being shipped back to Mexico in boxcars via the main entrance through the Great Wall of Trump.
Wednesday With that nip of fall in the air, today is a good day to write a letter to your local newspaper warning about the dangers of global cooling. Go ahead and make up your own facts—they'll print it anyway.
Thursday Butt-dial John Bolton and let one rip. Then scratch a pesky itch with your open-carry Glock, but don’t bother checking to see if it's unloaded because you're a responsible Republican gun owner so how could it not be?
Friday Don't take no for an answer, give no for an answer. Then practice mansplaining lady parts in front of a mirror so you'll be ready to win hearts and hoo-hahs at upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings.
All Week: Don’t bake a single thing for the gays.
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Have a great week! God Bless America and Money and Trump and Bombs!
And here’s the Democratic motivational action list: in 36 days, make the makers of the Republican motivational action list cry.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“Bill in Portland Maine knows he’s crazy; it’s so self-evident. Quite frankly, I don’t pay that much attention to him. I think it’s really a sad, sick situation.”
—Nancy Pelosi
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