I got a direct message a while back from someone who unfriended me. They wanted me to know I was going to go to hell because I believe abortion needs to remain legal and safe throughout the entire United States of America.
My thought on this is that all is well with my soul. Jesus still loves me just as I am. I also, firmly believe that if this former friend doesn't know their own religion. As I was taught the blood of Christ covers every thing thought of as a sin except blasphemy (which in their mind would include abortion). I don't think they know Christ as well as they say they do. I don’t see any abortion as “sinful”. Never have. From Genesis 2:7, Numbers 5:11-31, Numbers 21:22 where losing a pregnancy is a fineable offence to Hosea Ch9 to Psalm 137:9 where the Hebrews were exhorted to praise God by killing both unborn and live babies of their enemies in very gory, specific ways. Try to tell a zealot there is a complete lack of specific abortion references in the scriptures and they will simply go to thou shalt not kill.
To try and have a honest conversation about abortion is not possible with a zealot. Ask the zealot to find the scriptural basis for when ensoulment occurs and they will come up empty. All they got are non-scriptural opinions written by some old guy somewhen that got a lot of other old men to agree with that opinion over the last couple thousand years. The idea that you need to be alive before you can be killed or the idea that you can’t be murdered if you were never alive in the first place is dismissed by the anti-abortion zealot. Calling the electrical impulses that occur around 6 weeks a heat beat is a stretch as there isn’t a heart yet, there’s an autonomic nervous system, but no brain with higher functions yet. These are concepts anti-abortion folks will not accept. Fetal viability and the heartbreak of futile medical care for a doomed pregnancy is incomprehensible to the zealot. These are the same zealots who wail against public health insurance programs, SNAP and any safety net program. These are the same people who will make a woman carry a pregnancy to term even if it kills her, but won’t spend a public penny on that woman or keeping that baby alive and thriving after it is born. In their mind the focus is on abortion, not hypocrisy.
I don’t see the basis for the current (IMO rabid) abortion viewpoint of many people who call themselves “Christian”. My point of view is not much different than the majority of Americans, even the Baptists, the denomination of my parents, have found in their poll people view Roe as settled law. This viewpoint came from my very devout Christian parents. They weren’t saints, but on this point, they were very clear. Abortion must remain safe and legal in the U.S. I told my former friend to go ahead and unfriend me over my abortion views. Their loss, not mine. I came to this belief through multiple compelling life events and my family culture. I’ve been alive for a while. I’ve got a lot to share on this subject; so, here goes.
As a child
The 1st event happened soon after we moved to Ohio. A teenager we knew nearly died from an illegal abortion and the gossip was pretty rough...on the girl, not her boyfriend; but that was around 1967. My parents at the dinner table explained why they were what was to become known as pro-choice and they told us of a person in our family who had an abortion in the 2nd or early 3rd trimester for what I now recognize as the symptoms of preeclampsia. She had 3 children and this 4th was killing her. Her husband told her he loved her and was very sorry to lose the baby, but they needed to love the three blessings they had and end this pregnancy that was killing her. Her pastor and family held her hand through the entire process. The lesson my parents wanted us kids to know was safe abortion is a vital service for many women and Christians get abortions. Abortions do not send people to hell. Abortions let women tend to their families. As to the teenager in our town, my parents told us she was tending to her future family by ending her pregnancy now, when she didn’t have an education or career and if she had married the teen age boy who didn’t have an education or career either, it would likely “not work out”. At the age of seven, I didn’t know what they were saying, exactly, but I knew what “not work out” meant and a different choice needed to be made. In my mind the girl was making a different choice which didn’t “work out” either. My parents were of the opinion that the abortion didn’t work out because it couldn’t be done safely in a hospital or doctor’s office like was done for our family member some 30 plus years earlier in New York. The lesson I didn’t recognize being taught is that abortion is a men’s issue as much as a woman’s issue.
As a teen
The 2nd event happened a few years later when the daughter of my parents friends was told she was carrying a doomed pregnancy. The prognosis for a healthy child was zilch. The chances of having a stillborn was 80%. If the the baby survived birth it would be blind and probably wouldn't have the cognitive ability to suck on a bottle and the child would not be able to be cared for at home (that's the way it was in the 1970s - you couldn't care for a baby like this in your home). By then anti-abortion was the thing at our church. This family told my parents she she lost the baby and she had to go out of state for the D&C. My parents weren't fooled and knew the fetus was alive but not viable. They totally understood the need for a safe procedure to end the pregnancy. Mom and Dad told us at dinner that night that abortion needs to remain safe and legal in the USA. That it was wrong that this family had to travel over 10 hours to get the care they needed.
As a young Adult
The 3rd and 4th events happened at the same time while I was in college. A woman I knew became pregnant without being married. Her family basically turned her out with as many of her belongings she could put into her car. She had to take her things then as she was never going to be allowed back. She had a baby without her family and her boyfriend literally headed for the hills when he got the news, so she was alone. I thought that was a bit harsh. Her family came around some years later, but the emotional and financial damage was done. This woman still lives with the scars of this unfortunate series of events.
The 4th was a classmate of mine who became pregnant and she somehow came up with the cash to have an abortion. She told me about the abortion, but she certainly did not tell her family as they would kill her. I met her parents, she was right about that. I still talk to her now and then. Married 2 children, six grandchildren, she's had a great career and a loving spouse (not that boyfriend from so long ago). Two women, two pregnancies, one with a troubled life, one has had much less life trauma than the other. I thought then that these women made the best decision for themselves at the time. I learned what pro-choice was then. It is a choice. Each unique, best made by the woman who lives it. Both women would not change their minds if they could go back. I respect that. I'm glad abortion was safe and legal for my one friend. I totally respect the woman disowned by her family for continuing an inconvenient pregnancy. At least she knew she would only be disowned by her family, not killed for becoming pregnant without being married first.
Late 20s
I didn’t much think about abortion for years. I even voted for a couple anti-abortion candidates now and then. I went from Pro-Choice to “Safe, Legal and Rare” back to Pro-Choice. Several life experiences changed my view of corporate religion. I went from finding the group think as comforting, to suffocating. Religious shunning and shaming controls masses of people in general and it’s the absolute control of women in particular. I came to see abortion rights as women’s rights as human rights. No preacher or Bible teacher could explain to me why a woman should be compelled to carry a pregnancy to term in any circumstance. No amount of shunning or shaming worked on me. I learned about the then Irish, Costa Rican and other countries’ laws that imprisoned women for abortion. It sickened me. It was wrong. I saw my church becoming all that’s wrong with evangelical Christianity and ended up not going to church.
Around this time I got married along with many of my friends. We got married at the same time, had children over the same several years, bought homes and made our careers. We all had our own scary pregnancy stories. I had a very religious OB and I would advise every woman to find an OB that is not a zealot. Mine nearly killed me by denying me a medicine I needed for a asthma and chronic allergies. My primary care doctor intervened. My husband took me to our family doctor who freaked out taking my pulse, which had fallen to 40/minute. I was very short of breath and has having trouble staying awake. The melaleuca trees (that I’m highly allergic to) at the edge of the everglades were on fire that summer. Smoke covered both Dade and Broward County and I was having 10-12 asthma attacks every day and I was told to not use my inhaler. I wasn’t allowed to use Singulair or any anti-histimine. My primary had me use the inhaler then and there. I got a shot of steroids and put back on my meds — one tablet there in the office, then he left the examining room to call my OB to give him a rip. At my next OB appointment my physician told me that he was only following his religion…. do nothing that could harm the baby. I was too far along to switch OBs at that point. I stopped trusting him. I had a healthy baby girl who grew up to be a healthy woman.
I was sharing this story with a friend of mine back then. She shocked me by saying that my OB was right and that it was really risky to take the meds that helped me breathe (I still think she’s wrong on this, but this was my choice). I didn’t know it or I wouldn’t have shared my story — she was having quite a problem with infertility. She did in vitro fertilization that resulted in 2 pregnancies of 5 embryos in the first and 4 in the second. (These days only 2 or 3 zygotes are inserted into the womb. Back then they would insert 4-6 because back then about half the zygotes didn’t become embryos.) in her case both pregnancies had most of the zygotes embed and become embryos. She refused to do selective reduction where the fertility specialist removes 2 or 3 embryos from the womb. She told me didn’t believe in abortion under any circumstance. She miscarried both times. At 5’3”, there was no way she would be able to carry 4, 5 or 6 babies to term. Twins would have been difficult for her. She went back to the fertility specialist for a 3rd try. They declined, because she would not do selective reduction. In her mind, God was in charge and if she was to have only 2 or 3 babies then only 2 or 3 would embed in her womb. She ended up adopting a child. I have no idea what happened to her left over frozen zygotes.
One weekend there was a special service and a woman was interviewing a guest preacher. She was considered a “success story” of this church. She had a baby without being married and her son was in high school and she finished her bachelor’s and became a teacher. During the service the guest preacher noticed she was wearing a rose quartz beaded necklace and declared they were a graven image and she needed to give them up and hand that necklace over to be destroyed . [background here, some Wiccans believe rose quartz has some healing properties and this pastor knew it. I knew the woman believed there was nothing special about the beads other than they were a gift to her from someone she cared about and they were pretty.] She didn’t give up the beads and ended up getting shunned and shamed over rose quartz beads. I thought it was more about the guest preacher shaming her for having a son without being married. I don’t see the point in abusing women in the name of Jesus. Neither did Jesus for that matter if the woman at the well is to be believed. I wanted to throw up watching that and decided to part ways with that church. I’m still spiritual, but I’m a lot more open today than I was in the 90s. Stuff like that isn’t cool. Some years later a psychologist explained Religious Trauma Syndrome to me — it’s an unofficial diagnosis at this time; but it sure looked real to me as it happened that day.
I still talk to that woman. She moved to another city and was in the process of getting a divorce from a man who had daughters from a previous marriage who lived with them. She was cut off from seeing her step-daughters. During this time her step-daughter got an abortion at 16 and again at 17 . She knew her step-daughter was sexually active, but didn’t get her an IUD or on the pill because premarital sex is a sin. Her step-daughter got pregnant and her father insisted on abortion. Never mind he was out protesting against Planned Parenthood many, many times. At least he knew where to go for the procedure. They got the first abortion, but didn’t get her a long acting reversible contraception (LARC) device or put her on the pill. They shamed her, which didn’t work and the daughter became pregnant again within a year. Repeat abortion. Repeat no contraception. The daughter put herself on the pill for her 18th birthday — her choice. The Dad still goes out to protest Planned Parenthood’s abortion services and rarely misses church. Hypocrisy be damned. BTW, the woman still has and wears those rose quartz beads I gave her 40 years ago. I still think they’re pretty. The daughter went on to marry, have 2 children and has a good career.
My 40s
In a major life change, I became a teacher. My students taught me so much about life. We learned together. I learned how messy life can be and I taught them career skills to get and keep a job. Early on in my teaching career a woman showed up for class a little off. I took her aside during break. She told me she came to class after being in the ER. She was about 6-7 months pregnant and got the sad news that there was no fetal heart beat. She was there in class, pregnant with a fetus with no heart beat. In my head, I knew she would likely go septic within 48 hours or so. She was a single mother of 2 and so, child care was an issue. Where are your kids? They were in day care/school. I asked her gently when she was going to go back to deliver her baby. She exclaimed she could not do that. It was a mortal sin. She’d go to hell. She cannot abort her baby. I took her to 2 of my co-workers a nurse instructor and a physician instructor and asked them to explain. It was a scramble, covering our classes and helping this student see she wasn’t getting an abortion. The baby died. She was ending a toxic pregnancy that would save her life for the children she already had. This is how effed up the “Christian” abortion thought process has become for some people.
More than a few of my women students dealt with overbearing misogyny in their homes. Family felt entitled to come into my classrooms in session to drag their family member, my student, out of their desk and out the door. Other than the perceived humiliation and dehumanization, I never could figure out why they always seemed to drag them off by the hair. Post 9/11 this became less common as security was better in the schools, but I came to see that many woman live in a state of life long abuse. When it came to abortion it depended upon what the men in their life wanted; the baby or the abortion. They were religious and thought abortion was wrong, but if “their man” demanded they have an abortion, that’s what they did. I became convinced Religious Traumatic Syndrome is real and it needs to be added to the DSM-5. These abuses are so prevalent these women unthinkingly perpetuate it to their daughters. Abuse fomented by societal, misogyny and religious factors. It was heartbreaking to see these students accept this abuse as normal and acceptable. Trying to get these women to see they had options was a never ending goal for me.
Some years later another student thanked me for how I taught about abortion. She appreciated the fact that I always taught my future medical managers, surgery techs and therapists that we are not to judge people who seek abortion care. Our job is to objectively explain their options. She told me privately that she had a judicial approved abortion when she was 16 and that she had complications from it. Her parents took her to the ER where they were forcibly removed from the examination room when the nurse realized her patient wasn't going to talk with her parents in the room. That nurse saved her life. Had her parents realized she was having post-abortion complications they would have killed her, or at least nearly killed her or….or at the very least would have made her life absolutely miserable by never leaving her alone for a minute for the rest of her teen-age years. The complications were a likely result of the 3 week delay in getting the abortion because she had to see a judge to approve the abortion. She thanked me for being an advocate for safe and legal abortion. BTW, she works at a hospital these days.
Yet another student came to me after class one day and thanked me for normalizing choice. She had missed a few days of class and I thought she wanted to talk about that. No, she wanted me to know that she took a week off because she was pregnant and needed to make extra money to pay for the abortion. As luck would have it the lesson plan for the day was on birth control. My lesson plans always started with the unintended pregnancy rate in the U.S. and then I would compare it to Europe (see Figure 1). The glaring point is that the U.S. unintended pregnancy rate hovered around 98/1,000 when I started teaching, then fell to about 45/1,000 in 2011 (early Obamacare impact?). My point then and now is if we want to decrease the number of abortions, then we need to focus on this stat.
Teaching birth control for the medical profession starts with understanding our personal religion will not match our patients’ religion. This is about the patient, not me, my or our religion. Birth control is very personal, so I would have to bring it back to the objectivity after every birth control data concept. I would go through all the birth control methods and the success rates for each and abortion is part of that discussion. I take on the “sin” aspects head on. I’ve always taught if you don’t think about pregnancy first, then the patient isn’t ready to have sex. This unit was about the patient, but students would personalize it. A good instructor guides the student to attach new information to something they already know. For many of my students birth control conversations happened after sexual relations. My new information was “You have to get the patient to plan for pregnancy before they have sex.” Don’t want to get pregnant? Here are the choices. I always taught that abortion is an option when the other birth control methods fail or are not used.
I taught and still teach that a woman who chooses abortion is tending to her family. She’s making the choice that is best for her and her loved ones. If we want to decrease the number of abortions, then we need to support public policies that will support her pregnancy like affordable medical care, affordable child care, the ability to take paid maternal leave and the ability to feed, house and educate her young. We need to support public policies that keep women with their partners, not ones that blow them apart. She thanked me for teaching this subject this way. Apparently, she got a lot of negativity from family. She already had 2 children. She and her partner couldn’t see how they could provide for another child. She didn’t see how she could remain pregnant and complete school and get a job with a new baby. They were both close to finishing school and needed to pass the state boards before they could go to work. They were tending their family.
Another student another time collapsed in my arms, inconsolable. She had given up her baby for adoption a few days earlier. She wanted her baby back. Her 3 older children wanted to know when she was giving them away, too. I was jarred when she wailed she regretted not getting an abortion. She wailed at least I would know what happened to the baby. She loved her children, but she just couldn't care for a 4th after her husband had died during the pregnancy. I got her to a social worker. I saw her a few more times, but, wow, it's been years and that statement still jars me. I learned another valuable lesson about choice.
Grad School
When I was in grad school I learned that in vitro fertilization leaves millions of unused fertilized eggs remaining frozen in fertility clinics. The parents must pay frozen storage fees. I learned the procedure necessary to destroy these eggs for non-payment. I also learned about zygote research and that fertilized eggs must be destroyed by the 17th day of fertilization - that's an international regulation that most countries follow. I related these situations to a few anti-abortion folks I know. They thought it was sad, but totally acceptable these zygotes would be destroyed. People have to pay their bills. It was their personal responsibility to take care of their fertilized eggs. Many thought losing the zygotes for medical research was fine too. It wasn’t like those zygotes had parents. Medical research is needed for multiple, vital reasons. I saw these attitudes as rationalization. Apparently these anti-abortion folks I spoke to then, for some reason were and still are less upset when zygotes are destroyed by people wearing lab coats - as long as the zygote is not inside a woman's womb when they do it.
Another thing I learned in grad school was the procedure to follow for organ donation. Brain death means the brain is flat lined and only the autonomic functions are occurring with cardiopulmonary bypass machines as necessary. I learned about the paperwork and the attestations physicians must make to declare a person a candidate for organ harvesting. Adults and children and even toddlers that are brain dead can be organ donors; but a baby born brain dead is not. Newborns (neonates) are not organ donors. The organ donor’s organs are removed one by one with the lungs and heart removed last. At that point the time is noted the death affidavit and attestation is completed and sent to the morgue. Children die every year because the organs they need cannot be given to them because they are too small to receive on from an older (bigger) child or an adult, while …. Well, you get the picture. Brain dead newborns/neonates are not ever organ donors because why? I can’t say. Don’t look for consistency in abortion, zygote protections or organ donation policy; it’s not there.
Post teaching
Some years later I went to work for a Catholic hospital system. It’s got pluses and minuses but what most people are unaware of is that we all have to take training one or two times a year about LGBTQ diversity and respect for our patients that don’t fit Catholic doctrines. About 40%-45% of our work force does not identify as Christian. Our employees have to get birth control via the ACA carve out policy. We do have a unique role in pregnancy terminations. Yes, we do them, but they all look like miscarriages . Our obstetricians make sure there is no fetal heart beat before they send a woman to our facility to end their pregnancy. Yes, natural miscarriages happen all the time and miscarriages can happen at any week during a pregnancy. There are some cases that have crossed my desk that comply with the rules and fit a pattern. A serious fetal anomaly is documented around 20 weeks. Then, sometime between then and about 23 ½ weeks the woman visits her OB, there’s no fetal heartbeat and sepsis will likely occur within 48 hours, so a D&C is medically necessary.
A co-worker of mine used to work for a OB/gyn who does 2nd trimester abortions here, in South Florida. What they would do for some of their religious patients is stop the fetal heart beat in the office and then send her to the hospital for miscarriage treatment. They would advise the woman and her partner to tell friends and family they lost the baby. Oh, yes, there’s ethics and legal ramifications that all need to be appropriately addressed, but I know I’ve seen cases where this fig leaf of propriety was implemented. I’ve also cried through processing cases where women choose to die rather than get an abortion, which results in both baby and mother dying. No baby. No mother left to heal and try again. Sometimes I don’t like the choices others make, but I respect their right to make them. These are the most difficult ones for me to accept.
The reason late term abortions are so controversial is that some are done because it’s for what one doctor I’ve worked with describes as an unfortunate, but futile, pregnancy that will continue to term; but there will be no baby to grow up to adulthood and all that entails. Meaning the baby will go to term, but is likely to not survive birth and should they survive birth, the chances of living 3 months is very low (20% or less), having 1 first birthday are vanishingly small and a second birthday all but unheard of. Meaning a baby that will require round the clock skilled nursing care until the baby dies. Each case is different. Different anomalies result in different care needs. Some are more devastating than others. These babies run the gamut from minor if any cognitive difficulties to profound intellectual disabilities — to the point where they don’t have the cognitive ability to suck on a nipple. Parents given this type of profound prognosis are generally devastated.
Not all grim prognoses end in abortion. I know of several couples who were informed their baby was missing a limb, or a kidney (the other kidney was fine), but otherwise normal who continued the pregnancy. Babies born with one kidney are carefully monitored, but many do fine. Spina bifida babies where the opening is closest to the tail bone routinely can live to their 70’s, while the one with the opening at the base of the neck rarely see a 2nd birthday. One couple was fully aware they would have to get a new prosthetic leg every 3-4 months as the child grew and another didn’t. The couple that didn’t lived in Texas. They were told about the condition, but they received no information about what they would have to do to help their baby walk. They would not go back and make a different choice, but they would have appreciated better instruction on how to navigate getting insurance to pay for prosthetic legs for infants learning how to walk and children.
Many people who continue a doomed pregnancy (profound disability with profound intellectual disabilty) get divorced. It’s the stress of the never ending medical appointments, fighting for insurance coverages and just doing the day-to-day living activities are a grind. You can’t prepare the nursery for these babies because insurance will not pay for the needed equipment until the baby is born and then they will low ball it because most insurance policies will not pay for futile care or custodial care. The hospital won’t discharge these babies unless there is a viable care plan and the care givers are properly trained in the correct nursing care. Home health for these babies is difficult to get approved and is discontinued long before the parents feel ready to solo the care. The copays on the care is financial ruination even with stop loss policies. Giving the child up for adoption or over to the state might not absolve the parents of future medical care costs.
A former student of mine had a baby like this and lost her love (he wanted her to end the pregnancy and left the U.S. when he got the child support orders he had no possibility of paying). Her local family members stopped helping her due to their own health issues and her church stopped supporting her as well. It was all a good idea when she was pregnant, but the reality was too much for the people who pledged to help her. She had family services called out on her and nearly lost custody when she became ill from exhaustion after the home health care was discontinued and she could not effectively care for the high needs baby. She was informed that they were going to take custody, but the state was going to send her the bill for the care of her baby. I know if she could go back, she wouldn’t make a different choice. She said once, that she would have fought harder for more home health help, so she could get more sleep. She got her baby back (then a toddler who never took a step, still couldn’t roll over, didn’t speak and was mostly confined to a specialized raised wheelchair to protect his mother’s back and was out fitted with a suction device so she could clear his airways several times per day). She moved nearer to other family who offered to help her. I lost touch with her. I still think about her now and then.
This is another area of a lack of consistency in public policy. There are so many people who say they are anti-abortion and that pregnancies with severe, grim prognoses should be carried to term. Only to do a 180 and also say the government should not be obligated to help a parent keep their profoundly disabled child alive either. They also don’t believe in Medicaid, Medicare drug programs, or SNAP benefits while they post memes on facebook decrying the cost of cancer chemotherapy and insulin as they stuff their face with yet another cookie after stubbing out their last cigarette.
Parents advised of the possibility of late term abortion may choose to go through with the pregnancy. Some really understood their situation well. Others are gobsmacked by the enormity of their choice. Some end the pregnancy because they realized continuing it is impossible for them. One parent that faced this situation said to me that after getting all the this type of information from her OB/gyn and what would have been her pediatrician that she heard God speak to her that she had to let this baby go to God before birth. Her choice of words to explain her and her husband’s decision illustrate the deftness of how they saw their religion guiding their choice. I’ve also had zealots tell me people who make this informed decision are going to hell. The people who find themselves in this situation are already in hell. They don’t need an anti-abortion law making the decision for them giving them a fresh hell to live through.
What living has taught me is that these decisions is that they are for people to make for them self. Life is messy. Problems don’t fit in neat boxes. They don’t fall into discrete categories. There’s always nuance. There’s always another “what about” to think about and plan around. People need to fit their choices around inconsistent public policies and laws regarding reproduction.
I'm good with losing “friends” due to my Pro-Choice views.
I still will fight for people's rights to choose if they will or will not complete a pregnancy.
I don't expect everyone to agree with me in that everyone of these anecdotes could be reframed to fit another point of view. I do expect you to respect my choice without name calling or curses.
Until then, we need Roe left as is and codified.