A Li’l Polk in the Ribs
Today is the 37th annual "Presidential Joke Day." Since I've already OD'd on news this month (I thought August was supposed to be the "slow" month), enjoy some POTUS punchlines:
“As thin as the homeopathic soup that was made by boiling the shadow of a pigeon that had starved to death.”
—Abraham Lincoln, on one of Stephen Douglas’s arguments during a debate
Reporter at press conference: The Republican National Committee recently adopted a resolution saying you were pretty much of a failure.
John F. Kennedy: I'm sure it was passed unanimously.
(See it here at 33 seconds in.)
"Governor who?"
—Joe Biden, when asked a question about Ron DeSantis
Continued...
"In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress."
—John Adams
"When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.'"
—Teddy Roosevelt
“I think that it is very important that we have a two-party country. I am a fellow that likes small parties and the Republican Party is about the size I like.”
—Lyndon Johnson
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now. When people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
—Jimmy Carter
"Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day."
—Harry Truman
"Many of you know that I got my name, Barack, from my father. What you may not know is Barack is actually Swahili for 'That One.' And I got my middle name from somebody who obviously didn't think I'd ever run for president."
—Barack Hussein Obama
They'll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your server. And now, our feature presentation...
-
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, August 11, 2021
Note: From the Eyewitness News Center—Thighland nominated for Nobel Peace Prize after brokering tentative peace agreement between Pelvistan and Anklevania. Film at 11.
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the 45th president is magically restored to office for a second term, according to a manufacturer of pillows: 2
Days 'til the 175th Vermont State Fair in Rutland: 6
Covid-19 cases and deaths, respectively, in Florida as of last Thursday: 2,725,450 / 39,695
Percent of Maine adults who are now fully vaccinated: 80.2%
Amount the average worker is now making, 4.5% higher than before the pandemic: $16.50
Number of job openings in June, according to the Labor Department: 10.1 million
Year during which Massachusetts banned the sale of discounted happy hour drinks in bars, a move some lawmakers are trying to reverse: 1984
-
Mid-week Rapture Index: 187 (including 3 climate calamities and 1 buried lede). Soul Protection Factor 30 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Miracle Mama…
-
CHEERS to America's condo association. That wasn't so hard now, was it, United States Senate? You just let a little "Aye" slither out from behind your uvula and, voila, you've actually done a little piece of the nation's business. The bill to fix some of the shit that's falling down in this country passed 69-30 yesterday, and represents…
…a victory for President Joe Biden, who made rebuilding the nation's infrastructure the centerpiece of his campaign and who told the American people he could help usher in a new era of bipartisan cooperation. […]
The legislation is popular. A Quinnipiac poll found that 65 percent of Americans support it, while 28 percent oppose it.
What happens next is so simple it's hardly worth mentioning. The bipartisan infrastructure bill goes to the House, where it will sit until Senate Democrats pass their unilateral $3.5 trillion infrastructure bill, which will also go to the House, whereupon the bipartisan bill will be debated and passed at the same time as the unilateral bill, and if there are any changes they'll be voted on again by the Senate (assuming they're not on vacation again), and then they'll go to President Biden's desk for his signature, which will be written one letter at a time with a different pen, which should take—let's see, "Joseph Robinette Biden Junior" is 26 letters, times two, equals 52 pens—an additional 3.8 weeks. But those are just niggling details, and I’m here to celebrate, dammit. So happy pre-pre-pre-pre-pre Infrastructure Week, everyone. Help yourself to the chocolate-covered rivets in the break room.
CHEERS to getting rid of the damn evil spawn. No, I'm not talking about Ted Cruz…not this time, at least. Apparently it's possible to eradicate the Covid-19 virus that's turned our world upside down:
A report in the online journal BMJ Global Health has suggested that it might be easier to eradicate Covid when compared to polio, although the study did suggest taking down the new virus will be harder to tackle than smallpox.
The paper describes eradication as “the permanent reduction to zero of the worldwide incidence of infection caused by a specific agent as a result of deliberate efforts.”
It's actually quite simple. What you do is, dig a pit and fill it with wooden spikes that you've cut and sharpened with a machete. Then you cover it with leaves. Next: lure the virus by dangling an anti-vaxxer by the ankles over the pit. When the virus lunges, it'll fall into the pit. Then you fill it with cement and everybody celebrates up in the Ewoks' treehouse. What a wonderful world.
JEERS to opening big mouth before engaging small brain. On August 11, 1984, during a radio voice test, President Reagan joked (and this joke became the spark for Presidential Joke Day): "My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that would outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." (Listen to it here.) The Russians had a good laugh over it...right after they carefully put their missiles back in their silos and sucked down a bottle of vodka (not necessarily in that order).
-
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
-
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
CHEERS to getting away from it all. Following up on previous similar experiments, applications are now being taken for a fresh crew of four volunteers to live in a secluded "habitat" for a year to simulate conditions of being double-booked at an Airbnb on Mars:
The paid volunteers will work a simulated Martian exploration mission complete with spacewalks, limited communications back home, restricted food and resources and equipment failures. […] “We want to understand how humans perform in them,” said lead scientist Grace Douglas. “We are looking at Mars realistic situations.”
The requirements are strict, including a master’s degree in a science, engineering or math field or pilot experience. Only American citizens or permanent U.S. residents are eligible. Applicants have to be between 30 and 55, in good physical health with no dietary issues and not prone to motion sickness.
Tough luck, Francois the chain-smoking Parisian Dramamine addict with peanut allergies. Maybe next time.
CHEERS to cleaning up after "The war to end all wars." On August 11, 1919, Germany’s Weimar Constitution came into being. It was quite liberal for its time, bestowing more rights than we currently have in this country:
» A German's home is an asylum and is inviolable.
» Persons have the right to be notified within a day of their arrest or detention as to the authority and reasons for their detention and be given the opportunity to object. This is equivalent to the principle of habeas corpus in the common law of England and elsewhere.
» Privacy of correspondence, of mail, telegraph, and telephone are inviolable.
» Germans are entitled to free expression of opinion in word, writing, print, image, etc. This right cannot be obstructed by job contract, nor can exercise of this right create a disadvantage. Censorship is prohibited.
And then Hitler came along and fucked it all up, upon which America's Republican party shouted, "Cut us a slice 'o that!" So Adolf's roadmap became Donald Trump's roadmap, and here we are. Anyway, it was signed 102 years ago today by President Friedrich Ebert. Right after he gave it two thumbs up.
-
Ten years ago in C&J: August 11, 2011
JEERS to decisive action taken not so decisively. The feathers of health experts and the general public are in quite a ruffle after people gobbled up Cargill turkey and found out it contained an antibiotic-resistant strain of salmonella, forcing a too-slowly-implemented government recall. The USDA promised to do better next time, but that they need more adequate funding and staffing. Eric Cantor, John Boehner, and Mitch McConnell agreed to consider it, but only if the Bush tax cuts are made permanent to reduce uncertainty in the meleagris gallopavo markets. I swear, you could set your watch by these guys.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to cleansing your cosmic soul. Heads-up, everyone: the Perseid meteor shower is putting on a display of late-night/early-morning Perseidiousness this week.
Every year, Earth passes through the path of Comet Swift-Tuttle from July 17 to Aug. 24, with the shower's peak—when Earth passes through the densest, dustiest area—occurring Aug. 11-13. That means you'll see the most meteors in the shortest amount of time near that time. Years without moonlight see higher rates of meteors per hour, and in outburst years (such as in 2016) the rate can be between 150-200 meteors an hour.
This year, you can expect to see up to 60 meteors per hour at the shower's peak, according to Earthsky.org. Skywatchers looking out for the Perseids might also see some stray meteors from the Delta Aquariid meteor shower.
Everyone agrees that meteor showers are beautiful, unite Americans in a common activity, and make lots of people happy and curious about the universe and the wonders of science. And in other news, to prevent the spread of socialism Republicans announced this morning that they plan to introduce a constitutional amendment banning all future meteor showers.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“Cheers and Jeers is like tinfoil hat stuff.”
—Gov. Phil Murphy (D-NJ)
-