A Brief Effing Update
Via Kimmel, who invited a gaggle of climate scientists back with a progress report on how well we listened to them when they told us how f*cked we were in 2016…
Join them for their next report in 2026 which, given how things are going, will likely be just a two-minute primal scream.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, September 29, 2021
Note: No time for a note. A car alarm is going off and I must call 911 now before the perpetrator absconds with the vehicle and… Oops, too late. Okay, back to our note, then: today’s special in the C&J cafeteria is gekko fritters with slaw. Have a sunshine day.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til World Teacher's Day: 6
Days 'til the Lafayette Apple Festival in New York: 10
Current matchup polling for Terry McAuliffe (D) and his cultist opponent in the Virginia governor's race, per a new Monmouth University poll: 48%-43%
Number of healthcare workers in Maine—out of 33,000—who have quit their jobs over a statewide vaccine mandate: 65 (That's 0.19%)
Number of trans women elected to the German parliament Sunday: 2
Percent by which voters in Switzerland approved same-sex marriage over the weekend: 64%
Age of Google as of Monday: 23
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 188 (including 4 false prophets and some pumpkin spice with your Jesus Christ). Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Mid-week cuddle…
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CHEERS to a message from the Democratic Party Minister of Propaganda. Since there is no Democratic Party Minister of Propaganda, I've decided to become it. So listen up all you lefty lemmings: this is how things are going in Congress with the debt ceiling, the budget, the Build Back Better bill, the Build Back Even Betterer bill, the Equality Act, the Dream Act, and the Freedom to Vote Act:
Also: President Biden is God’s Chosen One. And that's final.
CHEERS to turnin' over fresh dirt. Big day yesterday in Chicago, where Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle attended the groundbreaking of our 44th president's official library. Here's a transcript of the opening remarks:
"I would just like to say…"
"Shh!!!"
"…that I am so pleased to be here…"
"Shh!!!"
"…in the city I hold so dear…"
"Shh!!!"
"…for this historic groundbreaking ceremony…"
"Shh!!!"
"…today."
"Shh!!!"
I'll say this: he certainly hired the right librarian.
JEERS to Black Monday. On September 29, 2008, when Republican George W. Bush lorded over the land, America's throat dropped into its stomach when the Dow Industrials fell 777 points, losing $1.1 trillion in market value in seven hours and signaling a low-water mark in the economic crash that we now know as the Great Recession. It was the largest single-day point loss Wall Street had ever experienced, and President Barack Obama had to use every tool on his belt to help us claw our way back to fiscal health. And since Obama's successor was a Republican who took over Obama’s healthy economy, you can guess what happened: he smashed through Bush's old record over and over and over again. These are now the worst Dow drops in all of human history:
March 16, 2020: -2,997
March 12, 2020: -2,352
March 9, 2020: -2,013
June 11, 2020: -1,861
March 11, 2019: -1,464
March 18, 2020: -1,338
I remember feeling actual terror that day in 2008, and for many days after. But Al Qaeda had nothing to do with it; the evildoers were Goldman Sachs, AIG, Moody's, Standard & Poor’s etc., their toxic assets of mass destruction, and a government that deliberately looked the other way. I continue to fear them a lot more than I will ever fear ISIS. Because George W. Bush was at least right about one thing: oceans can't protect us. From our own greedy-ass selves.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to unwanted male deliveries. I've been hesitant to mention this, hoping it wasn't true. But, sure enough, our former Trump clone governor—the guy who singlehandedly turned our beautiful state into a national laughingstock ("The Alabama of New England")—is going to try for a third term in office. I won’t say he doesn’t have a chance, but given the 8-year shit show he produced, compered to the smarts, competence, and popularity of our current governor Janet Mills, I predict we'll have fun watching him go down in flames:
In office, Mills worked with the Democratic-controlled legislature to enact policy priorities that had stalled for eight years under LePage. She implemented a Medicaid expansion under the Affordable Care Act that had been passed by voters in 2017 but was blocked by LePage. She tightened renewable energy requirements for electricity and provided funds to increase solar power, and she increased state education funding for local school districts.
At the same time, Mills steered a somewhat moderate course, frustrating progressives by striking deals with Republicans on guns and paid leave, and for filling the state's rainy-day fund while ignoring calls to raise taxes.
Then, in 2020 and 2021, Mills grappled with the coronavirus pandemic, with relatively good results. Maine has consistently had one of the lowest per-capita case rates in the nation during the pandemic, and the state trails only Vermont and Massachusetts in the percentage of the population that's been vaccinated.
If the California recall election showed us anything, it's that the pandemic is top of mind and voters are eager to reward competence. So it'll be fun watching the governor who successfully navigated Covid-19 by relying on science debating the governor who dealt with Ebola by demonizing immigrants. Let the games begin…
CHEERS to one of the great troublemakers. Lech Walesa, electrician, founder of the anti-Communist Solidarity Union, President of Poland, and Nobel Peace Prize winner turns 78 today.
My memory of his most rebellious time—the late 70s and early 80s—is kinda grainy, but I do remember how I felt back then, living in then-West Germany as I was and occasionally visiting East Berlin as part of a school or family trip, and feeling the oppressiveness of the Soviet influence over everything. So when I saw what Walesa was doing, I felt like, Wow, that is one gutsy electrician. Despite his anti-abortion views, whenever I hear his name, that's still what I think—one gutsy electrician. In his honor, today: no light bulb-changing jokes.
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 29, 2011
CHEERS to economic sanity. BREAKING: the country is finally getting some common-sense reform soon, now that recommendations have been approved by a super committee. Among other things, the plan calls for "tax hikes on the rich to pay for an increase in public funding for low-income housing, education and welfare." The Big Guy at the top even "praised the committee for achieving 'the impossible'" and said the plan would "fix the distortions in the economy." And I repeat: money to pay for it will come from—quoting here—"higher taxes on the wealthy and on corporations, and through cuts in defense spending." What a can-do country! Israel, I mean. If you're wondering about our super committee, they're still trying to agree on the shape of the table. [9/29/21 Update: Ten years later, Congress is leaning toward rectangular, but the oval-shapers are threatening to blow the whole deal up if they don’t get their way. Stay tuned for our next update in 2031.]
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And just one more…
JEERS to the attack of the million-email army. Gird your loins—the political fundraising operations will be cranked up to “11” today and tomorrow. Yes, these are the last days of the quarter and political candidates from every nook and cranny of the nookandcrannysphere are going to be turning you upside down and shaking you until some loose change eventually falls out of your pockets. Even during this off year, you’ll get a torrent of email appeals, each with an increasingly-urgent subject line. As a public service, C&J offers you a preview of what you can expect if you don’t have your spam filter set to "nukular":
Hey! Only 48 hours left to hit our goal!
Hey! Only 24 hours left to hit our goal!
Oh no! Only 18 hours left to hit our goal!
Help! Only minutes left to hit our goal!
We're down to seconds now!
My campaign manager is having chest pains. Give now!
Now I'm having chest pains! Fork it over!
If I lose this race it's your fault for not giving!
Puddle of tears! It's all over!
I will club a baby seal if you don’t give NOW, you stingy bastard! WE HATE YOU!!!
Sorry about that last subject line. But dammit, we need your donation or we’re going to have to sell the campaign Volvo!
Bags packed. Headed for ice floe. All is lost.
We can’t feel our toes. Polar bear ate ‘em.
Followed by Friday's headline: WE DID IT! THANK YOU! WE'RE GONNA WIN THIS THING! (Yeah, I'll cry—I love happy endings.)
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Terry McAuliffe Visited Cheers and Jeers, Praised Bill in Portland Maine's Kiddie Pool
—Mediaite
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