A Very C&J Very Short Very Holiday Short Very Story
Rudolph was a reindeer. He had a very shiny nose. All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.
So he called in a favor and got Dasher's liquor license at the Velvet Antler sports bar revoked. And levied a $7.5 billion fine for consumer fraud against Dancer’s crypto operation.
And busted Prancer for running a meth lab and a reindeer prostitution ring. And shut down Vixen Industries for sitting on internal studies showing its EVs were prone to catching fire.
And redirected subsidies for Comet's fracking operation to the solar and wind sector. And nailed Cupid for tax evasion.
And sent Donder to prison for insider trading. And trounced Republican incumbent Blitzen in the midterm election even after FiveThirtyEight predicted he'd lose by 40 points. (What the f*ck happened to you, Nate Silver? How did it all go so wrong???)
All of the other reindeer aren’t laughing anymore. Calling him names? Yes. But laughing? Not so much.
The End
Happy Monday.
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, December 19, 2022
Note: The Bill in Portland Maine Kiddie Pool series of non-fungible tokens, of which zero were produced and sold for zero dollars, sold out over the weekend in zero seconds. We’re going to now take the money we didn’t make and not retire to Myrtle Beach. Thank you. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Festivus: 4
Days 'til the New Year's Eve Walleye Drop in Port Clinton, Ohio: 12
Percent of U.S. gas pumps that are now $2.99 or lower: 50%
Percent chance that Claudine Gay, the daughter of Haitian immigrants, just became Harvard University's first Black woman president: 100%
Amount of stock value Tesla Motors has lost this year: $700 billion
Number of days some Mainers are going without mail delivery during the holiday season, thanks to staffing crunches: 5-6
Percent chance that if you haven't got a penny a ha'penny will do: 92% (Up from 91% last year. And god bless you.)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Good on ya, Governor Hochul…
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CHEERS to the final class assignment. This is it, kids. Today the bipartisan House January 6th Committee—including Republicans Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger, who sacrificed their seats to defend our republic—makes its last appearance as a team today. After over a year of flawless public hearings and behind-the-scenes detective work that exposed the MAGA insurrection for what it was (an attempted coup orchestrated from the White House), today is the day they convene one more time to formally shout, "LOCK THEM UP! LOCK THEM UP!"
The House select committee investigating January 6, 2021, is expected to announce it will refer at least three criminal charges against former President Donald Trump to the Justice Department, including insurrection, obstruction of an official proceeding and conspiracy to defraud the federal government, according to a source familiar with the matter.
The committee’s final recommendations could include additional charges proposed for Trump, according to the source. The referral recommendations will be presented at a committee meeting on Monday and the final report will provide justification from the panel’s investigation for recommending the charges. […]
CNN previously reported that the panel has also weighed criminal referrals for a number of Trump’s closest allies including Eastman, former White House chief of staff Mark Meadows, former Justice Department official Jeffrey Clark and Trump’s former lawyer Rudy Giuliani, according to multiple sources.
Hammer time is 1pm. Enjoy your popcorn. But be sure to save some so you don’t spoil your appetite before the other 139 Trump investigations we're waiting on break wide open. At least that’s what Mom says. She knows best.
CHEERS to the energy crisis. As in, the fossil-fuel industry is starting to have one, and for that we can thank plucky California Governor Gavin Newsom…
Fossil fuel companies face an existential threat in California as the state shifts to a carbon neutral future: Lawmakers have set a deadline to ban the sale of new gasoline-powered vehicles.
State and local officials have restricted, or in some cases banned, new oil wells. And some cities are even banning gas stations and non-electric lawnmowers. […]
“It’s clearly redefining the industry and its role,” Jamie Court, president of Consumer Watchdog, said of efforts by lawmakers. “And it’s consistent with phasing out the fossil fuel industry.”
Oil companies and their lobbyists are working to head off Newsom’s latest proposal, which would penalize companies if they again raise prices to the record-high levels of the fall, when California gas cleared$6 per gallon.
I'd suggest Newsom threaten to put coal in all their stockings for Christmas, but I’m afraid they'd like it too much.
CHEERS to Springsteen's turf. Happy anniversary, New Jersey, where the official dinosaur is the Hadrosaurus Foulkii, the official shell is the knobbed whelk, and the official color is spray-on orange. You became our third state this week in 1787. I looked it up, and the traditional gift for year 235—same as years 1 though 234—is “bling.” Plus: be sure to enjoy the gift of giving New York the finger this evening. I mean, why mess with a daily ritual just because it’s your birthday?
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to home sweet teeth-chattering home. On this date in 1777, George Washington parked his 11,000 troops at Valley Forge for the winter. The General knew how to rally his men:
"Look, all we need to do, guys, is invent central heating after creating a regional power grid and it'll be just like Club Med! Plus I know a great caterer and he'll be along just as soon as we invent the smartphone app."
Needless to say, it was a very long winter.
CHEERS to money money money money money. Yay for money. Cool, delicious money. Piles and piles of Hamiltons, Jacksons, and Franklins. Spendable, dependable…MONEY!!! And as of right now the federal government is awash in it. All we could ever need, as far as the eye can see. Money for all our agencies. Money for all our projects. Money for all our programs, big and small, wide and tall. Money money money. And it's all ours. For four more days. After that, we'll have to spend the holiday season praying to Baby Jesus that Santa Claus put America's credit limit on his 'nice' list. So eat your veggies, kids.
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 19, 2012
CHEERS to Us, We, Together. I'm in agreement with those who believe President Obama's remarks in Newtown were among the most eloquent of his presidency, although it would be nice if his top 10 list didn’t include so many mass-shooting addresses. Anyway, one thing that caught my attention Sunday night was a little riff he did on the "you didn’t build that" theme as it relates to raising kids.
"We also know that with that child’s very first step, and each step after that, they are separating from us; that we can’t always be there for them. They’ll suffer sickness and setbacks and broken hearts and disappointments.
And we learn that our most important job is to give them what they need to become self-reliant and capable and resilient, ready to face the world without fear. And we know we can’t do this by ourselves.
It comes as a shock at a certain point where you realize, no matter how much you love these kids, you can’t do it by yourself—that this job of keeping our children safe, and teaching them well, is something we can only do together, with the help of friends and neighbors, the help of a community, and the help of a nation."
I was going to write a detailed analysis of that concept as it applies to business, education, health care, etc. But then my eye caught sight of this Donald Trump tweet: "President Obama spoke for me and every American in his remarks in Newtown Connecticut." Now my brain's all frozen up from agreeing with Donald Trump. Did not see that coming.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to staying abreast (and a’ wing and a’ thigh) of things. Tis the season to take advantage of a unique way to fill the house with the aroma of a dumpster behind a chicken joint. Perhaps after noticing the success of Burger King's "Flame" body spray—or perhaps after taking one too many bong hits—KFC decided it would be a swell idea to ring in the holidays with a five-pound fried chicken-scented yule log for the low, low price of only $17.00:
But with postal service so unreliable these days (why hasn’t Louis DeJoy been returned to sender yet?), I think we'll just go buy a bucket of the Colonel's finest, stick it in the middle of our living room, and set a match to it. And once the holidays are over, KFC can go back to focusing on what they're best at selling: atherosclerosis with 11 herbs and spices.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"The Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool is loud, eye-watering, and very uncomfortable."
—MontiLee Stormer
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